AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

[Hisnamesblaine]

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

PIL gave SIL £10k for a house deposit. DH got nothing.
SIL had all her wedding paid for. We got nothing.
My nephews are favoured at Xmas and birthdays. They think I don't notice the difference.
Any school holiday childcare was only ever offered once SIL was sorted.
They're ageing now and she lives next door so she can crack on..

Because if I were in the same position I would finally have the chance to even up the financial support for all my children

This is where you are wrong, in my view. It's not MIL who has given money unequally as she didn't give her children any money. Her father (your DH's grandfather) did that. So the unfairness stems from grandfather- why resent MIL over it? Basically, it is coming across to me as though you feel entitled to a share of her inheritance to even out decisions her father made. That's not really fair.

Why should she be giving you her inheritance, which she may have plans for and need that money to support her financially in retirement? Or perhaps it will just make her life a little more comfortable as she ages. Obviously, I don't know her financial situation, and doubt you do entirely, so unless she is very comfortably off it may be possible. Either way I don't think it is yours/DH's by right or even morally. Your financial situation is irrelevant, TBH. You chose the lifestyle, including number of children and have to cut your cloth according to your means. It's nice for parents/families to help but you shouldn't make financial decisions based on assumptions about borrowing/being gifted money by then, I'm afraid. My DB does this and it drives me mad.

I don't know where she would stand as an executor of the will as regards to demanding repayment of loans her father made to your DH's siblings- I imagine it very much depends on whether there was some legal agreement made between GF and DH's siblings. If there is no written/legal agreement then I should think it would be a lot more difficult to prove it was a lone as opposed to a gift. That would mean MIL taking legal action against her own children- not very likely in these circumstances I would have thought. Especially if you are right about one of her son's being an aggressive bully....

Finally, have a little bit of compassion for your MIL. Her father has died. She is having to deal with the well and his estate, that is stressful. I'm not clear if the £2000 to each relative was stipulated in the will or whether MIL decided to gift each person that. If the latter, she has already been generous.

However, I can understand feeling you'd like more help with child care- although as you can work your shifts around childcare, strictly speaking you don't need it. But it would be nice to get some more help, I can understand that. The difficulty for parents (quite often mothers) who have more than one child is trying to be fair when it comes to offering childcare- and that's not always the same as equal. And she does need some time for herself too. If you really want more help, perhaps you need to ask rather than just waiting to be offered? Sometimes if it looks like people are sorted, it doesn't occur to others to offer help where it doesn't seem to be needed/wanted.

I don't think it is fair that you are blaming your mil when she gave you money! All the previous loans/transactions involving the gf were nothing to do with her and frankly no one else's business. Your resentment should be aimed at your bils if anyone! Feel proud op that you didn't exploit your gf's kindness and that you are making your own way in the world.

OP

I think you are perfectly right to feel hurt. You have a MIL who is providing support to your DH’s siblings and it’s not unreasonable to expect her to also support you a little too - whether financially or with childcare etc.

It’s the unfairness of it that would bother me. I have similar sorts of issues with my MIL and I can’t understand how she thinks it is ok to treat her children/grandchildren differently. I feel that if there is a reason for unfairness - e.g. she feels one DC needs more help than the others - then I feel an explanation is owed to the other DCs. Without this sort of openness resentment just builds up. Surely being part of a family is looking out for and helping each other, sharing resources when needed etc. and not just helping whoever is your favourite DC. And MILs as part of the older generation should take the lead on this.

Sorry no real advice OP but I understand where you’re coming from.

ILovechocolate

But MIL has not been financially unfair- she has not given loans or gifts of money to her children. Her father lent money to two of his grandsons but not OPs DH. How is this her fault or her responsibility? I could understand the upset if MIL had given money to the DH's siblings but not DH- that would be unfair but is not the case here. I can't see how it is now incumbent on MIL to give OP and her DH thousands of £'s to make up for it. Money which is her inheritance and which she may need/may help her be more comfortable. I feel a bit sorry for MIL. Her father has just died and it seems everyone is circling, wanting a handout. It's a bit grim IMHO.

The only area where OP has a gripe is uneven childcare/support. But as I said, if it it seems OP and her DH have childcare sorted due to shift then sometimes it doesn't occur to people to offer regular help as they think they're managing ok. Or perhaps MIL thinks/knows that one of her children needs help in order to work, while another (OP's DH) does not and has decided to offer help to the child she thinks needs it most? Fairness is not always the same as equality. Although I do understand seeing one sibling helped a lot when you would like more help can sting.

I disagree - I think she has been financially unfair. If she is aware that the GF had already given money to the other siblings but not to the OP, then, if I were the MIL, I would feel that it had been unfair and that I should try to rectify it (but maybe she's not aware of the previous unpaid loans from GF to the siblings - I couldn't work that out from the first post).

It may be that MIL needs this money herself for her own financial security or just that the OP is not in need of financial help in the way the other siblings are but I feel that she has an obligation to raise the issue with the OP. Even if the end result is just a conversation along
the lines of "I'm aware that GF gave your siblings some money and I would love to be able to help you out now but I really need this money myself as security for my old age or whatever" and then promise to divide things fairly in her own will when the time comes.

It's this lack of frank discussion that causes a lot of resentment issues I think. I totally agree that fairness/equality are not the same and of course there are times when one sibling will need help more than the others. But I think you need to keep the lines of communication open with all the siblings - then there is some hope that they might be able to understand why you are helping one DC but not the other.

And of course I agree that the MIL has absolutely no obligation to do any of this and no obligation to provide any help financial or otherwise. It depends on whether she cares about the fact that if she provides help to just one of her DC, then the inevitable result is that the others feel left out, hurt or resentful. Surely no-one wants that with their DC in any situation - whether they're adults or not. And the only solutions I can see, is either be scrupulously equal about the time/money you spend with each (pretty difficult in my experience when DC have such different needs) or explain/discuss your reasons for treating them differently.

It may feel unfair and I agree it is. But I don't think it's for you to comment on how upset someone is when a loved on passes. People handle grief in different ways

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm afraid I see this as very cut and dried. You got an inheritance- be grateful. It's none of your business how much anyone else got in comparison. It was your grandfather's choice to help your siblings, I can understand that you feel annoyed but really that was his choice and you're not 'owed' anything.

Fair enough ILove, but see it differently, so will agree to disagree. I can see others view it differently.

I just don't view my parents as responsible for decisions or actions of my grandparents with regards to money and so on, so I think this is why I would not expect my parents to give me money from their inheritance in order to "make up" for the assistance others have received (and definitely not if it would be detrimental to their financial security). I think it's the tone of being entitled to the money as others have scrounged from a deceased old man and that MIL should be falling over herself to give it that I find distasteful.

I have to say, I also find the idea of my parents having to explain their decisions as to how to spend their money as fairly unpleasant. Again it's that sense of having a "right" to that information and to the money. If I was in need I would ask, I wouldn't wait for it to be offered and get upset when it wasn't. Having asked, I would accept if it were not possible- I can imagine an explanation may be given if money specifically asked for.

Same with childcare. OP does not appear to need childcare- it would be nice to have, but not needed. Another sibling may need it. I would not expect equal amount of childcare in those circumstances. And I would also like my mother to have some time for herself- so if I don't need childcare in order to work (as opposed to allowing more family time) I wouldn't be expecting the same amount of childcare just so I felt everything was "equal".

My parents love us equally, I know this, and so I don't need them to give me money or childcare I don't need in order to prove it. I can see if there is a history of favouritism in terms of affection etc in childhood then this would impact on things into adulthood.

It's this lack of frank discussion that causes a lot of resentment issues I think

So you think the MIL should explain her finances to her sons grabby girlfriend?Why should she?

I feel for you op.
My mil did far more for my sil than us.
Helped pay towards the cost of her wedding, we got nothing. Always baby sat more,
I don't care now. I'm divorced and don't have to see either mil or fil again.

I'm disgusted by how many people are agreeing and sympathising with the OP. What grabbing insensitive entitled children you are.
I hope MIL takes off to the sun with her money and leaves all her nasty children to their own lives. I would if I were her, nobody gives a fuck about her, only her cash and her childcare hours.

I agree with what Huntinginthedark said. Do feel sorry for you OP. Some situations are never fair and people are unlikely to change. Suggest DP tells his mum what has happened in a factual way - I mean just stick to the facts as to who did what and when including her allowing herself to be bullied by her own son and helping out when she is too tired rather than saying “no”. Then at the end, DP needs to tell her how it all makes him feel. She will never know how hurt he is otherwise. Don’t expect anything to change, but at least he won’t be bottling it up inside anymore. Then suggest both of you taking a deep breath and just letting it all go. No point stressing over things you cannot control. It will just keep eating away at you if you keep thinking about it. Focus on living your life and your DC and being with them. Spend minimal time on siblings but do still see MIL but don’t bring it up again. If in the future anyone ever alludes to your being her carer just tell them not to be silly. Good luck

jacks11

Yes I think it is that we see it differently. Unfortunately many of us (myself included) are still caught up in "that's not fair" feelings from interactions with our siblings in childhood.

E.g. if for Christmas one year, one sibling got a large expensive present and the other got nothing, I'm sure most of us would think that was unfair. Or if one sibling went on expensive school trips and the other didn't, that would seem unfair. It would be very hard to say "I know my parents love us equally and I don't care that DSis has got a new bicycle and I got nothing". And in that case, as parents, wouldn't you feel the need to explain your actions? Wouldn't there need to be a good reason for the discrepancy?
And then at what point is it ok for parents to start treating their children differently? (for many of us, the answer is never! So perhaps a question of maturity?)

So yes ideally, the MIL shouldn't have to explain her finances, but if I were her, I would see it as being a potential issue and I would feel the need to acknowledge the OP's feelings (even if I didn't plan to give her any money).

The other problem is that "need" is very subjective. One sibling may feel they need more help and ask MIL to provide it but another sibling may think they're being just greedy. I do think MIL has an obligation to acknowledge those feelings in the interests of promoting harmony in the family (it would be nice if everyone was mature enough not to care but unfortunately when it comes to parents, it doesn't always happen!)

But it is very interesting that people have such different opinions on the matter. And nice to see that plenty of people manage to achieve a level of independence from their parents such that these sort of actions aren't viewed as fair/unfair anymore!

The parent did not treat the children differently with money. One child conned grandad out of money, this one didn't get the chance before he died and is pissed off.
This is not about MIL being fair.

I feel that if there is a reason for unfairness - e.g. she feels one DC needs more help than the others - then I feel an explanation is owed to the other DCs.

No one owes anyone an explanation.

Jealousy is an ugly trait.

People must have really miserable lives if all they can focus on is figuring out which 'help' each gp/parent/mil gives everyone and whether it's perfectly fair. Life isn't fair as the old saying goes.

My nan gave each of her great grand children some money. Some got less than others. Some of the grandkids got money too, I didn't. It doesn't bother me at all. My kids have some £ they otherwise wouldn't have had and I don't value my nan on the basis of how much cash she dishes out, I value her because I spent many many happy weeks staying with her when I was younger and no money or lack of it will alter those lovely memories or the time we spent together. I don't give a shizz about her money or who she wants to give it too.

Our family is spread out so my mother spends more time and money with my dcs than my brothers. My mil spends more time and money with my sils dcs than mine. It's just the way it is, there's no resentment as we're all grown ups and understand sometimes that's how life plays out.

ILove

But most of the examples you have given are related to childhood, a time when treatment should be as fair as possible. So yes, as children I think it would be unfair to give one child a christmas present but not the other; or buy only one child a bike when neither had one and both wanted one; or to send one child on school trips and deny those opportunities to the other child (unless finances changed between those times and so no longer possible). All of those examples would be unfair and displaying favouritism to one child. I can see that would lead to resentment in adulthood, especially if one sibling is given more assistance.

You ask when is it ok to treat children differently- in my view that times comes when they are adults, living independently. As adults we are responsible for our own choices in life- relationships, finances, children and childcare, the whole lot. Of course, most parents would help out if needed and they can. For example, if one child needs help with childcare in order to work where another would like childcare in order to have more family time but not to allow them to work, then I think it fair to do more childcare for the former than the latter.

In my view, the MIL is not obligated to give money she has inherited to anyone. She does not have to "make up" for the actions of her father. She is not obligated to explain why either- though from OPs original post it is clear she does know what MIL plans to do- pay off her mortgage. So she does know why her MIL isn't giving some of her inheritance to them. She's also upset that MIL is enforcing the loans made to her father as executor of the will- but there is no suggestion that any formal agreement was made and so no enforcement may be possible.

It's not mil's responsibility to even up loans her df made. The unfair bit is that she was thinking about it, but had her mind changed by bil (from the sounds of it). The original money/loans are none of op's business, but I'd be concerned about bil interfering.

With the loan thing you are just unlucky. The others probably diplomatically or not hinted that they couldn't afford to do x or that they were finding x tough. They might have outright asked. You went the way you did, not asking and shuffling and working hard (though maybe they did too!). It must be irritating but it's too late money wise. On the other front ask or drop serious hints that you need help, although as you said you're lucky enough that you work opposite each other so you don't need as much as maybe the others too. Do ask if you need it though, if having kids teaches you anything is that you get nothing if you don't ask! Also try to let it all go and sorry for the loss, sad when people die:(

I'm a bit late to the party but just wanted to say that I've been in a similar position. Although I didn't want anything from the estate of my relative, it's shocking to see the disparity between how I was treated and how the money grabbing leaches in my family were doted on. After running around like a headless chicken for years for this person and being treated like crap the entire time, I eventually had to walk away for my own sanity. My DD took my place, against my advice, and basically did everything for this person, who manipulated her constantly and ran her ragged, the whole time treating her like a second class person in favour of two other family members and their offspring. You wouldn't believe it if I told you some of their antics. They even talked the person my DD was helping into transferring a large amount of her monthly income into an account they had access to and change her will to cut me and my family out, so they could be sure they got every penny. They were wasting their time as I certainly wouldn't have accepted anything after becoming estranged from her anyway. The point is, I can sleep at night with a clear conscience. They have no shame so I'm presuming they sleep too but I know I am a decent person, I know that we did nothing to warrant the treatment myself and my DD suffered and I hope whatever they managed to scrape from her bones, they enjoyed. For your future happiness, you need to step back, write it off and move forward knowing you owe them nothing.