AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

[Hisnamesblaine]

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

It sounds as if the GF's assets were left to the DP's mother who decided to give everyone an equal gift of a few thousand. She is well within her rights to write off the money owed to the GF. That business (as she probably sees it) was between her sons and her father, nothing to do with her.

You are heading down the road to discontentment and unhappiness in expecting life (and people) to treat you a certain way. You didn't ask, you didn't get, and now you are upset with those who did, and someone else who is expected to make up for other people's decisions.

The problem is that it’s not your MIL but the GF who gave all the loans to the siblings.
Your MIL in the other side is dealing with the money her way and that doesn’t include helping you out on a financial POV.

I do see how you ca feel miffed because she is helping both set of siblings (one with childcare, one with providing a home to him and I assume cooking, washing etc....). And she doesn’t very little for your DH.
Unfortunately, I can’t see how you can’t change that. It just says a lot about your MIL and her inability to treat her own dcs fairly.

It really isn't on to treat your children in such an unfair and biased way. IMHO.

She's not. OP doesn't ask for childcare to work because she doesn't need it, it's not the mil being unfair. Op won't ask for more childcare for other things, again not mils fault or mil being unfair. It's not mil who has treated them differently financially it was the grandfather! Why is that the mils fault and why is mil expected to loan money instead?

Well guys it seems that IABU. Thanks for responses and opinions. I shall try to take them all on board.

Btw, it has NOTHING to do with the fact yould should grow up and not expect other adults to ‘bail you out’
It’s about fairness and be put at the borrow of the pile by people you really cared about (eg when the DH is the only person to go and see the GF but is the one who got the least help/money). why can’t said siblings not stand up in their own two feet and not have anyone bailing them out???

Errr .... Olivia it happens because the Op and her DH are too kind and will NOT ask for more help because they know it’s going to be hard for the MIL. In effect they are putting the MIL needs before their own. Unlike the sibling who has no issue to ask for three days of childcare from someone who is finding hard to cope with.
I susoectvthat the MIL wouldn’t tell them that though ‘because they are struggling so much’.

In effect, the ikes who seem to get something in that family are the ones who are shouting the loudest or pushing the most.
It has nothing to do with the OP ‘not asking’ and therefore it’s all her own fault. Unless you count being nice being ‘your own fault’

Thanks HermioneAndMsJones thanks exactly how I feel

I would be annoyed so I don't think you are being unreasonable to be honest. I hate when siblings aren't treated equally. If my grandparents ever gave to one they gave to all whilst they were alive. It's only fair.

As for the 'help' with the kids I have been in a similar situation and I do think you are right if you don't ask you don't get. I think an honest conversation with MIL saying how you are a little worried how you will cope with two kids and does she think that she may be able to help with any time at all. Perfectly reasonable to ask if done in a nice way. Good luck.

OP, I can see where you are coming from - it does sound very unfair that your dh's siblings should have been given money by their grandfather that they then pissed away/didn't pay back. Perhaps you should have brought this up at the time with the GF? Too late now. It's not your MIL's responsibility.

Your MIL is not obligated to look after your dc either - unfair as it is,. You could say to her you're hurt that she looks after her other GC nore often than yours. Say how hard you're working and that you'd love a break? See what she says.

Re you needing a bigger house for dc - that's up to you and your dh, I'm afraid. Can either of you re-train into a better-paid job?

my poor hubby is just so hurt and confused by it all. And I can't give him answers

It's not up to you. He needs to talk to his mum and tell her how he's feeling, clear the air.

Also, if your mum hadn't been responsible enough to save for her own funeral or pay her debts, I'd have been tempted to let the council pay for her funeral and debts. You're not responsible for them -especially if it wipes out your savings and puts you in a poorer financial position.

When you do the right thing, the satisfaction of doing the right thing is the reward. You have to be happy with that, or you take another path.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. All I'd suggest is that when MIL needs help in her old age you aren't the mug who provides it.

What big bucks elsewhere? You are hardly going to become a banker or a city solicitor are you? Can you not aim for promotion in what you are trained to do? Can your DH not see a way to get promoted? Could he retrain for something better? We always went down the route of self help as family help was never going to happen.

I do actually feel your family has been ignored. My grandfather was talked into lending money to his first grandchild many years ago. It was a deposit for a detached house. His first house. No-one else ever got a penny. It was eventually paid back but some people just get talked into loans and it actually makes them feel good about themselves.

At least you are getting some child care. More than I ever got!!! My DH and I never got a night away without the children! However, Sandysmam is correct. It’s not fair and GF should have squared the circle for all his grandchildren, but he didn’t. You have to move on and be self reliant. Think about how you can improve things for yourself.

You do not have to feel obliged to your MIL if she doesn’t help that much but if I was your DH, I would be interested in her will! In addition, it is always sensible for inheritance tax planning, for a married couple to leave everything to each other. The surviving spouse then usually divvies up the estate. Usually this is done via a will. People will try and get the elderly to change their wills so be careful about the future!

Sorry OP - while i agree its not great situation - theres not much you can do about it. Ask your MIL if you need help with childcare/money etc, if you dont ask, then you cant moan about it. Try and talk to her. Your MIL is not being fair - try and show her that if you can, however, the problem is not your MIL, its the GF who lent the money, not MIL.

YetAnotherSpartacus oh that's a given and totally expected considering the line of work I'm in!

Is the sibling the MIL cleans the house for when babysitting her son or daughter? I can imagine cleaning my daughters house but no way would I clean my sons if he were married - waaayyy to much potential for drama, DIL potentially complaining i’d opened a cupboard and invaded privacy or done something not to her liking yadda yadda. Having said that though not likely to happen for either of mine when the time comes, hate cleaning my own house don’t really fancy cleaning anyone else’s whether my child or not.

I understand how you feel OP.
Yes your MIL is not obliged to give you any help whatsoever, but it is the bias towards helping the others that grates, and I totally get that.
My MIL was left a very substantial trust fund when FIL passed, and lives in a a very large home, has an annual pension she can't spend, and yet throws it all at the SILs and has never ever offered DH a penny. She knows we are struggling with various things, yet visits and expects us to pay for everything, short breaks away and meals out, that she actually requests herself.
It drives me insane, and I seriously think she almost gets a kick out of it. Says things like, oh dear, what a shame you couldn't build that extension you talked about, and then proceeds to bleat on about the beautiful million pound house that her daughter has just bought! (Helped by her of course, MIL has a weird controlling hold over her)
It takes me months to mentally recover from her visits. We do not want her money, no matter how wealthy she is, and would certainly never ever ask. But when a parent blatantly treats their children so differently, it is really hard to take.
You have my sympathy op!

Spartacus
Are there any British people expecting their children to look after them in old age? Doubt it! The UK isn't exactly known for its care of old people. Everyone here knows if you don't make provision for yourself you'll be at the mercy of the state, and many people are happy with that rather than have unwilling family carers.

OP. Can you not move away from MIL? Start again elsewhere and not be available for care? She’s not your Mum and she’s not directly your responsibility. It is your DHs respondibility to talk to her about family finance. He possibly needs to do it to clear the air. If it is a negative conversation, then you know where your future lies.

Many old people rely on relatives for care, especially if one is a nurse!!!

I can understand why your DP might be hurt and your DP's siblings are getting more help than you are but how do you see it would be made fairer? For the money, your MIL would presumably need to borrow money / not have paid off her debts for you to get a share. If your MIL will have money to leave your DP might have a conversation with her about how his siblings have already been provided for by GF and perhaps she can even things up in her own will.

For childcare, can DP's sibling change their shifts? If not, the only way for you to get what you feel is due is for your MIL to give you additional childcare on top of what she is giving DP's sib. That doesn't seem fair on her. She probably sees that she is helping those that need it the most, which seems fair to me.

Why did you pay off your DM's debts after she died?

HoppingPavlova they leave her a list of things needing doing laundry/hoovering getting dinner ready for when they get home. Everyone is abit scared of BIL he's very volitile and people just tend to try and keep him sweet. The wife loves it. Her mother also has a day of childcare and does all their ironing! Then they all have lovely weekends off together as a.family posting pictures on fcebbol of days out to the woods/zoo etc. While I'm elbow deep in blood and guts. Yes suree I'm annoyed and jealous and hacked off....... some people just have it all

You both chose shift work jobs, with a child, and now are expecting a second child and you want a bigger place.

In the kindest possible way, you made lifr choices, and its nobodys duty or responsibility to help you out with them, money wise or time wise.

YABU

@Hisnamesblaine
Some people just have it all?
Maybe YOU have it all in others' eyes. You have a job, a partner, a child and a baby on the way.

Grow up.

You want kids, you deal with them and pay and look after them yourself. Nobody owes you anything.

It's her money now to to what she wants with etc etc etc

But in your position I would be gutted too. You haven't asked for help, and it seems like you are being penalised for that.

I think you have two options 1) just carry on regardless 2) asking directly for help, here's what we want and here's how we will repay it.

But personally, if she hasn't offered already, then I don't think she will.
Which ever route you go down, I think this will eat you both up. I know some people will say just get over it, but I think that resentment will be there a long time.
Sorry you both being made to feel like this.

Cross-posted with your post about being expected to provide care for MIL in her old age. I think you should knock that on the head if you think that expectation is being built up.