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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

196 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 09:50

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/01/2018 11:51

Whilst I do sympathise, I think your mil can't do right for doing wrong. She's clearly being pulled in different directions, and trying to do her best as far as I can see.

I think your resentment piling on to your mil shoulders are unfair on her. Blame the siblings, not your poor mil.

fluffycat5601 · 11/01/2018 11:51

can't rely on anyone in this world but yourself. keep working hard thats all we can do.

Missonihoni · 11/01/2018 11:52

How is the fact you work for the nhs and do shifts revelant. Do you want us to side with you because your on shit wages and do shit hours at the job you chose to do ?

I would worry about saving your own money not recording your husbands families financial records.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 11:58

Just making the point that due to the nature of the job I have to work shifts esp evenings so could definaltey gain from some childcare help. I'm not making myself out to the be Florence nightingale or anything. Just stating that I do not work conventional shifts such as office job or such like.

OP posts:
maddnessintheroost · 11/01/2018 12:00

why did you pay your mother's debts - you did not have to if she died and there was money in the estate. Do you mean you paid for it out of the estate you were left or you were silly and paid debts that legally you did not have to as your mother's estate was insolvent. You do not take on her debts after death unless you were a guarantor

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 12:05

My mum had nothing
She was on benefits went she died

OP posts:
metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:06

so why did you pay her debts? You didn't have to, it was a waste of your savings.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 11/01/2018 12:06

The cunts are out in force tonight OP ... try to ignore them.

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:09

ignore everyone but you? Thats not how this works.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 12:09

metacrisis are you for real? She was my mother. I hope to god your never in the same position.

OP posts:
metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:11

also its not nighttime

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:12

metacrisis are you for real? She was my mother. I hope to god your never in the same position

Of course I'm for real. I have been in that position, which is why I ask. Debts die with the debtee, you did not have to pay them. Why on earth would you give your savings away for no reason?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/01/2018 12:13

But it wasn't your mil fault that your dm was in a position where she had no money. Your dm was your family. Not your mil responsibility. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 12:13

I didn't pay off debts. I paid for her funeral and wake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 12:15

At what point did I say it was my MIL fault my mum had no money when she died?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/01/2018 12:16

You're telling us about your costs, your dm funeral, your low income etc, and expecting your mil to give you money towards your lifestyle.

Snowysky20009 · 11/01/2018 12:17

Hisnamesblaine just remember it's easy for people to shout off on here about how you should be feeling, , if they were in your situation their feelings on I t would be different. Flowers sorry to hear about your mum.

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:17

I didn't pay off debts. I paid for her funeral and wake

Oh, that's weird, people only asked why you paid the debts because you said you paid the debts.

WaggyMamma my mother died and left debts. I paid for the funeral and cleared the debts

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2018 12:18

It sounds as if the other siblings bully and expect. Whereas you and your dh are much more respectful of others. I really don’t get the nastiness from some posters telling you to grow up and sort out your own finances and kids. That’s exactly what you’re doing unlike your inlaws.

A couple of us have mentioned asking mil for a loan. You didn’t answer. Is that not something your dh would consider doing just to test the water?

maddnessintheroost · 11/01/2018 12:18

As harsh as it sounds you didn't have to pay her funeral if you couldn't afford to - you chose to pay her debts - yes funeral and wake are debts to the estate. You should not have had a wake which is essentially a party for the living if you could not afford it. You could have applied for help with the funeral

maddnessintheroost · 11/01/2018 12:18

thank you meta crisis - I thought I had read about debt paying somewhere

user1495451339 · 11/01/2018 12:19

It doesn't sound like she had the money to pay you extra unless you think she shouldn't have paid off her mortgage or done her extension.

I don't really think it is up to your MIL to even the money up through the will, she was just trying to share things out fairly. Previous debts are not really her business as it was between the GF and the brothers.

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 12:19

I feel sorry for the poor MIL. Her father has died, she was one son who is an aggressive bully who sh can't say no to helping with his childcare, another one who gets her to iron, and a dil who wants her inheritance from her father and is complaining online about not getting it.

Its not your money. It's hers. Why people are telling you you are right to think you should get some is bizarre.

scaryteacher · 11/01/2018 12:21

OP Hard as it is now, you will be glad you didn't get the money later as this always comes with strings attached. We have refused things from my ils on occasions because we could see that strings would be pulled if we accepted, as we would have been considered beholden to them (esp by mil).

You did say upthread that you had paid your Mum's debts when she died - as others have said, that was not your liability - if there was nothing in the estate, then the debts would have been written off. The funeral is obviously a different matter.

Life isn't always fair - I know my bil has had far more help than we have had, but we made a decision as mil got more controlling, that we didn't want to have to dance to her tune, so we turned money/offers of computers for ds (he was way too young)) down.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 12:23

The debts were small. Mobile phone bill house clearance and the like. The greatest expense was obviously the funeral costs. I actually can't belive your choosing to focus on this bit. Sorry I wanted to give my mother a send off. It wasn't at the bloody ritz...... just a small local working man's club and a cold buffet. It seems I'm in the wrong with the choice of professional and how I choose to honour my recently passed mother. I shall live with the consequences

OP posts: