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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

196 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 09:50

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

OP posts:
Rubies12345 · 12/01/2018 18:21

I'm no expert on this, but isn't the £20k now owed to the estate?

WitchesHatRim · 12/01/2018 18:27

I'm no expert on this, but isn't the £20k now owed to the estate?

Not if it's a soft loan no.

Maireadplastic · 12/01/2018 18:29

It must be hard OP, but people can leave/gift money however they like.

Nomorechickens · 12/01/2018 18:30

The debts are part of the GFs estate. So if he left everything to your MiL and she decided to write them off, nothing you can do. But YANBU to feel resentful about it.
If he left everything to your DP and siblings with MiL as the executor, the debts should be called in by the executors and counted as part of the estate, and you could challenge if this wasn't done. However I'm assuming this wasn't the case.
With hindsight your DP should have asked for a loan from your GF too! Or better still, your GF should have offered him some money while he was still alive, to even things up. But I'm afraid it's too late for that now.
Has your DP laid out the financial facts to your MiL and told them how he feels about it?

Xmaspuddingdisaster · 12/01/2018 18:46

I didn’t think most people inherited anything from a GP, just your own parents? So I would be surprised at that. It sounds like the real issue is the bil who everyone (including the GF) seem to have been scared of. I can assume mil would feel the same about asking for some of the £20000 back!
It’s very common for whoever gets in first with a childcare request to be the only one in a family to get regular care. The overnights are not to be sniffed at and I wouldn’t want to endanger that personally.

iMogster · 12/01/2018 18:58

Get your DP to directly ask MIL for £10K. It actually sounds fair. She can of course say no, but at least you will feel you tried and then know where you stand and might feel you can put the resentment behind you.
On a positive note, it sounds like you have a lovely DP, if his siblings are arses and bullies, they might have more cash but I wouldn't change places with their partners.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 12/01/2018 19:01

OP, you know that DP's grandfather was lonely and miserable. His other grandchildren used that to milk him for money they never had any intention of paying back and he knew it. But you and DP visited him often, just because DP loved him and you're nice people.

I know it stings now, and it IS hard to hear that others are being treated better than you. But try to carry on being the nice ones. It doesn't put food on the table or pay a mortgage, but if you don't get bitter, if you move on and live your own lives, there'll be a time when all this seems insignificant.

(But despite the positively shining halo I'm putting on your head, I agree with PPs - do whatever it takes to make sure that you're not the one caring for her in her old age. There's a difference between being nice and being taken for a mug.)

WitchesHatRim · 12/01/2018 19:06

Get your DP to directly ask MIL for £10K. It actually sounds fair.

Yeah, DM I know your DF has just died and you are having to sort it all out and deal with your own grief, and your DC are are circling like vultures, but give us 10k. Hmm

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2018 19:11

If she is executor she has to do what the will says. Usually any debts would be called in, but maybe gf wrote them off? His fault for not being clear, or changing will/making legal loans rather than informal

clarkl2 · 12/01/2018 19:12

Ask for the funeral money back. It wasnt your place to bury him.

WitchesHatRim · 12/01/2018 19:15

Ask for the funeral money back. It wasnt your place to bury him.

Errrr they didn't!

FaveNumberIs2 · 12/01/2018 19:17

I don’t understand why people think they are entitled to help/money/free childcare from their families.

So yes, I think Yabu. If you want property, you save or mortgage it yourself, if you can’t provide for your own children, don’t have them in the first place.

Having handouts, help, inheritances, family loans, etc, is a luxury, a gift, something that should not be banked on. So pay your own way and if it boils your piss that other family members get more, just step away from them and live your life because every day you let it piss you off, is a day of your life wasted.

ChaosNeverRains · 12/01/2018 19:24

Yabu. The grandfather lent money to his grandchildren. he’s now dead. Whether they paid it back or not is neither here nor there, it certainly isn’t up to his daughter to give money to the grandchildren who didn’t borrow from him while he was alive. What a bizarre notion.

cherish123 · 12/01/2018 19:45

Not your inheritance. It is DP and siblings' inheritance so I would leave it to the.

gobbin · 12/01/2018 19:54

YABU.

You make your own life choices regarding house, how many kids etc. and how you manage to fund this. You are wasting brain space on mithering after cash you will (probably) never have.

We come in and go out of this world with nothing. Live your life accordingly and make the most of what you DO actually have.

CoolCarrie · 12/01/2018 20:03

Sounds like your bil is a nasty, greedy bully, and no one stands up to his unpleasant ways, your dh’s grandfather was too soft and was clearly used as Bank by your dh siblings, and your mil is daft to allow herself to be used as an unpaid babysitter/ cleaner! Your dh needs to have a frank chat with his mum, but I doubt everything with change as your bil is the one calling the shots here.

Crazyunicornlady · 12/01/2018 20:21

YABVU and grabby. Just because there was money being given or loaned it doesn’t make you entitled to the same (or any at all). Sheesh death really does bring out the worst in people!!

Shell4429 · 12/01/2018 20:34

YANBU. But now isn’t a good time to be asking for money. I know how you feel though. And in my opinion justifiably so. I have cared for both my parents, my elderly father is living with me. Siblings barely visit even though close. And I know they will get the same as me from the sale of his house. At least I will have a clear conscience.

MaggieS41 · 12/01/2018 20:50

YANBU

I haven’t read all posts but there are some really shitty comments here. Especially the ones judging her having another baby. When I look at my very young DC’s now, there’s no way I’d like to think that if I’m in a financially comfortable position I wouldn't help them out where needed and how I can - childcare or no childcare (I’m amazed how much people get tetchy about childcare). The OP and her DP seem to be hard workers but unfortunately not all hard workers get paid well (especially nurses - and hey, who needs those Hmm).

Perhaps it’s the way we’re raised..... my parents have always helped or offered to help where needed with me and my siblings. Some have taken it, others haven’t and they definitely know who needs it most and least! We have also done it in return when needed. It’s about looking out for your family. No rivalry or greed.

Poppet2015 · 12/01/2018 20:50

I think it's a bit harsh for people to say you should have let the council sort your mum's funeral, just because she was irresponsible with her money. That wasn't your fault. She was still your mum and who wouldn't want to give their mum a good send off?! As for your situation, I can understand how it's frustrating (I have a friend who is in a very similar situation) as it does seem a bit unequal. But maybe they need the help more? Try not to let the resentment build. It'll only eat you up

blueluce85 · 12/01/2018 21:11

YANU at all in my opinion. Both me and my sis owe my parents money, and I would fully expect those debts to be factored in at the will stage

caringcarer · 12/01/2018 21:27

It sounds unfair but clearly your in laws prefer their other 2 children. I would distance yourselves from them as mil does not sound a nice person. Does she treat your children in same way as her other grandchildren for birthday/Christmas? I think your dp siblings took advantage of their gf but be very glad you are with the nicest of the 3 siblings who loved his gf and did not take advantage of his generosity.

Ch1neseM3al · 12/01/2018 21:32

Life is not always fair

Life brings the good times and the bad times

Some things are worth 1000000% more than money

Reading several posts on MN recently, perhaps we should all embrace the SKI club !

Strongmummy · 12/01/2018 23:40

I’m confused. You’re angry that your mother in law is paying off her debts with the proceeds from a house she owned?!?! Why on earth do you think you’d be entitled to that? She’s been very generous dividing up
her own father’s inheritance equally when she was perfectly entitled to keep it for herself. If you want cash and childcare ask her!!

NoRoomForALittleOne · 13/01/2018 00:57

I understand why you feel hurt. No, you’re not entitled to any money or childcare but being treated differently to siblings is hard. Over the years, my MiL has given my SiL tens of thousands of pounds whilst my DH was expected to pay for all his own clothes and food from the age of 14, no handouts for him. They have been treated so differently and yet MiL struggles that DH is not particularly close to her. When he did ask her for help (a couple of hours babysitting one evening so that he could run some essentials in to me in the hospital after I had been unexpectedly admitted), she refused. He was very hurt for a while that she had let him down when he really needed a little help and reassurance. SiL is already planning to move MiL in to a granny annexe, taking the proceeds of MiL’s house sale in the process because she never wants to lose her inheritance to care home fees. That will mean that DH loses out on that part of inheritance but there is nothing that we can do if MiL agrees to hand the money over on this basis. It is her money to do what she likes with. But it is just more same-old, same-old from grabby SiL. Money is devisive and we refuse to get drawn in, but it does hurt that MiL favours SiL so much more when it comes to money. (And for context, SiL has a huge amount of disposable income but always manages to spend more than she earns so continually asks to be bailed out. She’s not struggling on a low income or in anyway NEEDING the money. She just needs to learn to budget).