AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

[Hisnamesblaine]

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

Errr .... Olivia it happens because the Op and her DH are too kind and will NOT ask for more help because they know it’s going to be hard for the MIL. In effect they are putting the MIL needs before their own

Funny how op failed to mention in her first post that poor mil was exhausted or that poor mil was being taken advantage of, just said mil does xyz for other others and not them even though she's retired. Why on earth would her dh be 'hurt and confused' that his mum doesn't offer to have their child more or clean their house if they know she's already exhausted from looking after her other grandkids . You'd be annoyed at the siblings for taking the piss, not hurt at your mum/mil not offering to have yours more often.

Lets skip the bit where op said she feels resentful they've been overlooked because they want to buy a house .I.e. we want mils money and think she should give us some because another relative gave his siblings some money once upon a time.

gos some of the responses here are utter shit, I wonder what kinds of world some people on here live in

I dont think yabu at all op, all you want is fairness and its not happening, seems the louder you shout the more you get in your family

Snowysky20009 Yes exactly the resentment is eating at us all the time. I hate the feeling.
I'm self made put myself thought university While working two jobs. had.no help from family etc. It was a.big.acheivement for me to gain my qualifications. But when your sitting with the BIL at christmas time and he's boasting about how much he saving in nursery fees etc and how he would hate to work nights (like me) and can't I just switch to days....... well no I can't as I'd just be working to it nursery.

Honestly, whether it's right or wrong for you to expect money, you just need to get over this otherwise it's going to become a poison.

Yes, it's unfair but you will feel a lot more control over your life if you work to provide entirely for yourselves, expect nothing from anyone else and see anything you DO get whether in time or money as a happy bonus. Otherwise you're just giving control to other people to dictate your happiness and that's no way to live.

Oh and maybe reduce the time you spend with BIL - he sounds like an arse.

YetAnotherSpartacus oh that's a given and totally expected considering the line of work I'm in

Tell MIL it's time to call in GF's loans in order to start planning for care in her older age because you are not able to do it.

I'm actually serious.

Are there any British people expecting their children to look after them in old age? Doubt it! The UK isn't exactly known for its care of old people. Everyone here knows if you don't make provision for yourself you'll be at the mercy of the state, and many people are happy with that rather than have unwilling family carers

There is an entire area devoted to those who provide eldercare here and many, many threads on chat and ABIU from those who do provide care. With austerity measures and the privatisation of care, you can bet that there will be more and more pressure on families. I'm not sure where you have been living, but I find it hard to believe that you have not come across friends or colleagues who cook, clean, are on stand-by for emergencies, shop for, etc. older relatives, as well as those who subsidise paid care.

Many old people rely on relatives for care, especially if one is a nurse!!!

Glad somebody gets it.

*Some people just have it all?
Maybe YOU have it all in others' eyes. You have a job, a partner, a child and a baby on the way.

Grow up.

You want kids, you deal with them and pay and look after them yourself. Nobody owes you anything*

Did you mean to be so cuntish?

Oh love its shit
You look around and everyone else’s families seem to help out, meanwhile your on a treadmill that’s going backwards. Every step forward is met by 2 back.
I get it and it’s not fair. But equally they don’t have to help —although it would be fucking awesome if they did—
The childcare we are the same, grandparents running round after the others means it’s difficult to go “here’s some more for your plate” and actually your not an arsehole so don’t do it. Meanwhile the others take more, seem less grateful and yours lose out on the close relationship the others have.
It would be nice to feel like you and yours are a priority for a change.

I don’t know the answer, but it hurts

We have asked. Where told that it would happen but was always put off then he died

Are you for real? Your partners siblings milked the old man for loans that were never repaid, and you are pissed off that you missed your chance to milk him because he DIED? And now you want your partners mother to give you her money, just because you want it?

Christ, that's low.

Cross-posted with your post about being expected to provide care for MIL in her old age. I think you should knock that on the head if you think that expectation is being built up

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Mum... Why on earth do you entertain your Mil and why on earth would you do things she has asked you too knowing she won't pay!

Op I totally get where your coming from it's very sad.. Your both bravely battling away with the life card you have... Not asking for anything... Hoping that your noticed.

I think it may be worth a very quick, light aside to Mil one day... By the way, I don't know yin you realise this but dh feels Like a little hurt by the way the will has been divided out because he never asked his gf for anything even when he needed it and the other stuff.. I'm sure he will get over it, he would never mention it but I would want to know. AND leave it at that.

You say the GF 'left his will in the hands of DP mother'.

if she was an executor, then she should have called in the debts before following the legacies left under the will. Unless the will (or other testamentary writing) stated that these debts were to be written off prior to the distributions under the will being made, then she has acted outwith the ambits of her powers, as she does not have the discretion to do what she did. If this is correct, I'm not surprised you are absolutely furious (and GF presumably turning in his grave).

On a practical note there is some government grant available to help with funeral costs, I think you can claim it for x amount of time after.
Did you look at this?

Personally I would take a massive step back from the lot of them. They are sucking the niceness from you and your life. Enjoy you dc and leave them to it.
As a dm of multiple dc I can't imagine picking favourites.

Spend less time within them all, sounds ghastly!!

Hi @op!

Sorry to hear about your mum . I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly too, about three months before I found out I was expecting dc1. It sucks and I often think of the relationship my dc has missed out on, as (in my head) my mum would have loved to be a really involved grandparent.

Re child care; it sounds as if my in-laws do less childcare for us than yours do for you. They have had dc1 overnight, maybe twice in the three years since she was born. Whereas, dh’s sibling’s children have their own bedrooms at my in-laws’ house as they have so many stay overs there. In-laws also provide regular childcare for dh’s sibling in the week, so that dh’s sibling can work and receive a good income. I’m dying to get back to work, but if I actually manage it any time soon, it will definitely not mean a good income, as we’ll barely break even, especially after dc2 arrives, (very soon). We all live in a bit of a triangle, so it’s an hour’s drive for in-laws to either sibling or our house, so it’s not a location thing. Do I think this is fair? No, I don’t think it is.

But, I’ve now reached the point where I’m making less effort with in-laws. They’re always welcome here and I’ll happily host them etc, but if it isn’t convenient, (ie, we’re invited somewhere, which isn’t easy or pleasant for us to come to), I don’t go. I leave it up to dh if he wants to go and bring dc1 with him. And, at the moment, I do think there is minimal chance of me doing much for in-laws in their old age, but I may change my tune about that. Hopefully, old age is a long way off for them. Dh and I still have living gps.

It’s a two way street.

I’ve also read threads on here where the op complains they don’t get help with childcare, but it then transpires that they just don’t have much of a relationship with the in-laws. In those circumstances, it’s not too hard to understand why gps may not wish to be used to childcare. Not saying that’s you btw, but it happens. It’s not always as simple as even childcare split among children.

Re the inheritance; I think the money given to siblings while the GF was alive is nothing much to do with you. He was an adult and free to use his money how he wished. That wasn’t to offer it to you. Maybe that feels unfair, but that old mn cliche comes into play; “it’s not your money”. I think the GF leaving everything to his daughter to be split between her and then her dcs is as close to fair as possible. That’s always how it goes in our family at least. I know my siblings have had a bit more help with money than I have, but that’s because they’ve needed it, they have asked and the money was there to give them. But, I don’t expect to go through all the money we were given while a gp was alive and making sure everything’s exactly even, as my gps gave that money to my siblings. Nothing to do with me.

Honestly, whether it's right or wrong for you to expect money, you just need to get over this otherwise it's going to become a poison. Yes, it's unfair but you will feel a lot more control over your life if you work to provide entirely for yourselves, expect nothing from anyone else and see anything you DO get whether in time or money as a happy bonus. Otherwise you're just giving control to other people to dictate your happiness and that's no way to live.

This is very wise advice OP

The money from DP's grandmother - I think DP's mother should have tried to share the money between the 3 siblings in a way that reflected the fact that two of them had already had generous sums from the GF

But........ however she did it, someone would probably be unhappy

The other stuff - I think that's just life

Spartacus
Yes, many family members provide care. It is quite another thing to expect your family members to provide care. I believe many ageing British people do not expect family care. If it is offered they may accept but I have seen a number of people on here say they don't want to burden their children with providing care. I don't think it's an uncommon sentiment.

OP, aside from expectations here, can you clarify a few details re: the legal side?

Was she the Executor of the estate? (If so it's not her decision on how to distribute it out, aside from reasonable expenses she will have had to follow strict rules about paying off debt claims from the estate as a first requirement).

Second, re: your mum, why did you pay for her funeral and now your savings are all gone? The funeral should have been paid for from your mum's estate. Many banks will release a small amount to cover this before probate processes have fully completed, and many funeral directors have lenient payment terms which take the situation into account more sympathetically than normal service agreements. Also, even if that weren't the case, you should have been fully paid back once her estate was distributed. And any debts wouldn't be paid by you, you don't inherit them, they just get highest priority from her assets.. and there's a given grant which may have helped (although I'm not sure if the latest eligibility criteria, quick search would do).

This is all very confusing from a legal POV, totally aside from the other debt aspects - it doesn't make sense!

Never say never - good question, but she lives long distance flight away. Comes here every year with expectations of additional trips etc, so last year she wanted us to go to France for a week, says it's her 'treat', DH books it, and we never get a penny back. Has happened numerous times now. Played the sad needs to see us card, told us to book flights to go see her for a 'holiday' and she'd pay. Put them on our credit card, and we never saw a penny. And DH wouldn't dream of asking...it's his poor mum after all...

Back to OP, I agree with the advice on giving yourself control, once you expect something, or feel aggrieved by something in this way, it can really eat you up. Try distance yourself from it all, and you will feel far better for it!

I don't know the in and outs regarding my hubbys GF will. Just everything was left to his daughter my MIL and she was to spilt it equally between sons/daughters and grandchildren. Exactly 2 grand each. I belive between 10/14 people. My MIL got around 40/45 grand and the property which I think is valued at around 100/110 grand. I've never been their when money discussions have been held. I do remember at one stage MIL mentioned that maybe the two other siblings shouldn't get the 2 grand as.they had 30 grand.between them previously. Well from what I've heard there was a whole big argument and the MIL soon.changed her mind again. As ive said I don't quite know the absolute ins and outs as I'm only the daughter in.law. Also my mum disnt have a pit to piss in. Although even I was shocked she didn't have provisions made for her own funeral

You are not being unreasonable to be upset, but unfortunately you have to suck it up. The others were unreasonable to take loans and not repay them but nothing can be done about it. It would have been nice for the balance to be redressed but you can't make that happen. It's ok to be disappointed though. You and your DP sound to be much nicer people than your relatives and I feel sorry for the poor man being used in that way. A clear conscience is priceless.

Yes, many family members provide care. It is quite another thing to expect your family members to provide care. I believe many ageing British people do not expect family care. If it is offered they may accept but I have seen a number of people on here say they don't want to burden their children with providing care. I don't think it's an uncommon sentiment

I guess what I have seen is the difference between theory and practice, or care is offered as a once off and a pattern develops. And yes, I have come across many situations where care has indeed been expected.

OP, sympathies. My ILs provide full childcare for my BIL's child (includes collecting from school every day and all day Saturday) but never have for our DCs. They're exhausted and my dh mentioned it to his brother (as in minding his child was wearing the parents' out) and the brother said 'but childcare is so expensive', [eyeroll] the ILs have also helped him buy a house etc, even though he and his dw are on the same/higher salaries than us and we struggle etc. I'm only going into these details so you see that this kind of thing happens a lot, and while it clearly rankles, the GP's relationship with your dh's sibs are actually a private matter and you need to stop fixating on it. I'm sure your dh would love to have his GP still alive, and it is only money and the expectation of money that is eating at you. Maybe step away from his family for a little - if they believe you're independent then maybe act more independently of them and don't rise to expectations of future care etc...

So two of his CF grandchildren borrowed money and never gave it back yet your dh and you think your owed something because of this? Get a grip