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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

196 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 11/01/2018 09:50

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

OP posts:
Unfinishedkitchen · 11/01/2018 13:57

I genuinely don’t understand what you mean re snap dragons game? I only know the flower. However, if you mean that people shouldn’t tell the OP that she’s being unreasonable then what’s the point of the thread? Are we all supposed to agree that her MIL is a heartless woman who plays favourites because if so I don’t agree. I see a woman who’s lost a parent and who’s being constantly hounded for money by some of her kids and being resented for it by her other childs partner who’s bitter about circumstances which aren’t the fault of the MIL. In addition not only are the OPs circumstances difficult, she’s actively chosen to make them harder and is angry at MIL about it. Maybe I’m reading it all wrong?

I really feel for MIL as it sounds as if her family are only interested in her for her money or babysitting availability.

another20 · 11/01/2018 17:54

It is against the law for your MIL to do anything other than distribute funds exactly as stipulated in her DF's will.

WitchesHatRim · 11/01/2018 18:06

Please empathise with your MIL. She’s lost her father and everyone around her seems overly focused on how much money they can extract from her.

Yep

Lashalicious · 11/01/2018 18:22

Your dp’s mother has just lost her father, correct? And the family want to get their hands on her and her father’s money, it seems. Your dp’s siblings were in need in the past and their mother helped them out at the time but now there is nothing above the amounts she is handing out across the board from her father’s estate. You resent that, I get it. But she probably feels that she has to give equal amounts from her father’s will, that he would have wanted that. It is separate from her money (as I understand it). I think if we’re all honest, the imbalance over the years would irk anybody. But it’s all hers to do with as she wants.

Most mothers, unaware or not, dote on whichever child is most “in need”, who “needs” her most, who have asked her for the most help over the years, and whom she has helped the most...sounds like the situation here. Op, it stings but I don’t see what you can do about it. I take it you’d like your dp to talk to her and get her to see her unfairness? If your dp does that, I bet that she will tell his siblings and they will jump all over him for “upsetting” dear mother.

another20 · 11/01/2018 18:22

Your mil has decided that write that money off as it was between her df and them.

Your MIL hasn't decided to write off any debt. This debt was written off when the GF died unless there was some sort of contract in place. She was not in a position legally to chase the debt or rearrange the will to suit you even if she wanted to.

Maybe be blunt and ask her for a LOAN for your deposit if you are brave. But make sure it is a loan as that is what was given to the BILs - whether they paid it back or not to the GF is irrelevant and you cant now ask for a HANDOUT if what you disagree with how they behaved as it would be double standards.

I do think it is tough to see unfair situations in a family re childcare and chores - but looks like you just need to suck that up unless you can think of another way of helping out MIL in return for childcare?

CPtart · 11/01/2018 18:45

Why hadn't your mother made provision to pay for her own funeral over the years?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 11/01/2018 19:01

I feel sorry for her too, she seems to be seen as a walking cashpoint and babysitter.

You wanted another child so now need to fund it. It's not upto others to do that or buy you a house. Your wants obviously came before sensible decisions so others shouldn't pay for that.

LuluJakey1 · 11/01/2018 19:16

If the will said an amount was to be divided between a number of people, MIL had no choice in doing that. Are you thinkng she should give you money from what was left to her personally?

There was clearly about £180-200,000 in the estate still (house + MIL £45000 + what was divided between everyone) so I don't understand why GFchanged his will and did not leave you what he promised. It does feel unfair but it was his money and up to him. He could have left you the share that was divided up between the others but for whatever reason, he chose not to.

I would feel like I had been treated less favourably OP.

metacrisis · 11/01/2018 19:33

There was clearly about £180-200,000 in the estate still (house + MIL £45000 + what was divided between everyone) so I don't understand why GFchanged his will and did not leave you what he promised

Because he didn't want to? Because he was sick of being treated like a living cash point? Because he didn't want to give OP any money but was afraid to say so?
He could have done so, and didn't. OP thinks she was entitled to grandpas money and now thinks she is entitled to her her boyfriends mothers money.
There's a word for that.

Reflexella · 11/01/2018 19:40

Sorry I think families fighting like vultures over the slim pickings after death (& someone not cold in the grave) is distasteful.
Your DHs siblings sound awful don’t let them drag you down to their level.

LaurieMarlow · 11/01/2018 19:56

There's no suggestion that the gf changed his will though, is there? He seems to had

LaurieMarlow · 11/01/2018 19:58

Whoops

He seems to have vaguely suggested he'd give them money for a deposit, but there's no indication he ever formalised that in his will.

weepingangel12 · 11/01/2018 19:58

this is just awful. Vultures picking over a man and talking about how much they are entitled to his money.
Sick.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/01/2018 20:05

weeping
The vultures are those, who took the money while ops gp was still alive.

It’s no longer his money. He’s dead.

weepingangel12 · 11/01/2018 20:17

They are too. But the one who is complaining that they didn't `get any when he was alive, or when he died, and are upset that the inheritor didn't give it to them is no better at all.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 11/01/2018 20:18

I feel for you OP, I really do. YANBU to be pissed off but unfortunately you have no rights here. GF had the opportunity to leave your DP a larger amount compared to everyone else in his will, especially when he updated it but he didn't. That's that. Sad

Butterymuffin · 11/01/2018 21:02

you're far too invested in your in-laws financial affairs. They're not your family

Just remember that last bit, OP, next time you're expected to do anything for any of them, and especially when you're expected to provide care for MIL. It cuts both ways.

Huntinginthedark · 11/01/2018 21:48

I'd be fucking pissed of that aresholes used their gf and took his money and I didn't and I got fuck all.
Not really about the money, but about others being CFs
That's pretty grateing

But it's up to your mil if she wants to be a doormat and clean some twats house.

You just distance yourself. Because I can fucking 100% guarantee that when it comes to her needing proper care when she's old they'll just disappear

I've seen it 1st hand
It's fucking grim

Huntinginthedark · 11/01/2018 21:51

Until you've seen some feckless relative basically bullying or manipulating someone into lending money and never paying it back
And never caring for them in old age
Then you don't really understand

Unfinishedkitchen · 11/01/2018 22:11

I understand about having leaching family members. ‘D’B and I are NC. One of the many reasons is because my brother is a bully and very manipulative and as a result my parents have handed tens of thousands to him to save him from himself. As he was always the helpless one and I was always the one who was sensible and self reliant, I haven’t been given anything. However, although I am angry at my parents for not doing enough to end his destructive behaviour earlier, I am not angry at all about the money. It was never my money, always theirs to do what they wished with especially as they come from very humble roots, never had much and did working class jobs.

I feel they have thrown it down the drain but I’ve never felt I should have been given it or the same amount because I’ve always been self reliant. I also understand that as a parent it’s hard to see any of your children suffer and thus there is a temptation to constantly rescue them. I’m not angry at my parents for that.

Anything from them would be a lovely bonus but it’s never factored into my plans. I do know they love me and I know that the reason why they haven’t given me anything was because I never really needed it unlike my brother appeared to do. Anyway I’m rambling but when they’re old I will still help them as they love me and that’s all I ever needed from them, not money.

Unfinishedkitchen · 11/01/2018 22:23

....and before anyone says that I must be cool with not being given money because I have money, there was a time during the credit crunch where DH and I were on the bones of our arse and living on MN chicken but I still didn’t go to my parents for money. Instead we learned from our mistakes, made masssive lifestyle changes and spent years clawing ourselves back to stability.

OP needs to use this situation as a springboard to make long term plans which will prevent her from having to worry about whether her partners family will throw her some bones.

ssd · 12/01/2018 08:20

mn is a funny old place

of course you are being treated unfairly op and most folk would be pissed off in your shoes

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 08:44

of course you are being treated unfairly op and most folk would be pissed off in your shoes

She isn't and they wouldn't, the op is basically "I'm pissed off that I missed the chance to leech off an old man and now I want his daughter to give me free money instead". You're blind if you think its anything but that.

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2018 08:55

Poor MiL. Don't understand why she has to be back of the queue for inheritance, this was her dad. And now she's being jostled aside by 3 greedy kids all wanting their share of the goodies.

accidentalbride · 12/01/2018 17:55

This post makes me feel sad. I think you are very immature OP and need to grow up. It was his decision to rewrite his will, for whatever reason and his money to distribute as he wanted. This is how the world and law works. And I agree with the others - I feel for your MIL who has just lost her life partner and is probably very vulnerable and needing the most support... but is being torn apart by greedy kids who try to make her guilty for the decisions she is trying to make.