AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

[Hisnamesblaine]

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

You brought it up as justification as to why your partners mother should give you her inheritance. #
You still haven't said why you think you are entitled to her money, other than you don't have any. Why should she give you her money?

I actually can't belive your choosing to focus on this bit.

Actually OP the reason I checked about your mother's estate was to try and clarify what had happened. Unless you've guaranteed something legally, debts die with the debtor. And if her estate is insolvent there would have been help with funeral costs.

The reason I (and I assume other posters) may have posted about that was to ensure you're not planning to pay up if another debt makes itself known, and/or educate other posters who might make the same mistake.

The mobile phone bill did not legally need to be paid by you, for example - if you were her Executor, then it would have been appropriate to inform them of her passing, so they can close the account, but you can't be chased to pay it off unless there's assets which are left (and the debts are a priority before bequests are distributed).

I've not commented on your expectations or debts or any of the other points in this thread but this is an incredibly important / financially impactful point to clarify.

THAT's why I posted about it.

metacrisis I don't think it's so much, the OP thinks it's her right to money. It's about how she feels, with regards to what the other siblings have had and the help they are getting. Where as she and her dp, haven't asked for money or haven't asked for help and now they could do with a little help, there's nothing left to be offered. Maybe they should have been grabby like the others? But they chose not too, because they didn't want to ask GD for money, and they can see MIL is struggling with what she already has on her plate.
As they say 'those who shout the loudest, get the most' appears to be right about this situation, but doesn't make it right.

When GF was still alive he would always say oh I will give some help (deposit for.a.mortgage) like I did the others when you find a house you like. Hubby then had I'll health and looking for a house was the last thing on our minds. GF died and MIL was left to divide the money up. She knew of previous conversations re the deposit but nothing has been said or mentioned about it since. We disnt feel like making demands when she was grieving.

metacrisis I don't think it's so much, the OP thinks it's her right to money. It's about how she feels, with regards to what the other siblings have had and the help they are getting. Where as she and her dp, haven't asked for money or haven't asked for help and now they could do with a little help, there's nothing left to be offered. Maybe they should have been grabby like the others? But they chose not too, because they didn't want to ask GD for money, and they can see MIL is struggling with what she already has on her plate

Except she is so hurt and full of resentment by MIL not giving her money (OP's words) that she wants to cut them off.
She wants her partners mothers money, end of story.

People say stuff but you don’t hold them beholden to it especially when the poor man died. He had his wishes disclosed in a will. I don’t think it’s any of your business tbh discussing his GF assets on MN and expecting something from his will that would be large enough for a deposit. It’s pretty crass I would be furious if it was my SIL moaning on the internet about my grandfathers money.

Well, tbf op you originally said you’d paid off your mum’s debts. Someone said “oh you didn’t need to do that so you could have saved that money”. I think they were trying to be helpful. You then said you didn’t pay off the debts, it was just the funeral and now you say you did and getting defensive; “I can’t believe you’re focussing on this”. You can maybe see why it’s a little confusing?

Anyway, as I said earlier, I do sympathise with your situation re childcare and in-laws, (I’ve explained my similar situation and my mum dying suddenly etc, at length already, so I won’t bore you by reiterating). I disagree with you on the inheritance though. Harsh as it may sound, it’s not really relevant what your work and financial situation is. If the GF had wanted to give you and your dp more money while alive, or bequeath a set amount of money to you, he could have done so. It was his money and presumably he’s done what he wanted to with it.

Should be You then said you didn’t pay off the debts, it was just the funeral and now you say you did in fact pay off the debts and are getting defensive ^^

When GF was still alive he would always say oh I will give some help (deposit for.a.mortgage) like I did the others when you find a house you like.

Random conversations are neither here nor there though, unless he expressly put it in his will, which he didn't.

I'm coming to the conclusion that you're far too invested in your in-laws financial affairs. They're not your family. It's different for your DH of course, but from your pov, I don't think you should have any expectations at all - and certainly none based on the logic of 'well he did this for BIL' or 'he said that he'd give us a deposit once'.

Sounds like your MIL is doing her best in tricky circumstances. I understand why she's written the loans off. I would probably do the same. It may seem unfair, but life is complicated.

they aren't even inlaws since they aren't married

Well didn't you unwittingly open the pandoras box on online trolling? Some cannot wait to tell you how wrong you are and keep on beating that stick and drum to make their own juices flow eh. Must be great to be them lol.

Im sorry op. No advice. Just hugs. Sometimes life really pants. But looks overall you have a good attitude and are just a bit hurt for now.

Best of luck my love x

Im sorry op. No advice. Just hugs. Sometimes life really pants

yes, life is so hard when people refuse to give you free money.

Honestly, have you actually read the OP?

It's hard one op one the one hand I'm not 100% sure what you want to happen. Did you think your partner should get his siblings 2000 money? Or just they shouldn't get it as if that's the case then it would be your mil money. Or is it more that you wanted mil to lend or give you a deposit for a house? Have you asked for this? I think you have to remember that the money siblings lent was from grandfather and it now belongs to mil if she gives you say 10000 then she will have to do it with her other children as it's now her money and maybe she can't afford it, doesn't want to, wants to save for her future ECT. Grandfather chose to leave will like that and it isnt really fair but I think you need to find a way to accept this is how it is and there is nothing you can do about it. If your partner wants to discuss with his mother then obviously that's up to him but I eouldnt get involved in that side of things. It's not really fair but sometimes things aren't. I would fall out over it but at the same time I wouldn't be going all out to do them favours aswell. The child care issue if you asked what would she say if you asked ?

metacrisis she hasn't said she wants to cut them off, she said it make sense her feele like she doesn't want to be around them. Which being honest- everyone else and got and they haven't, isn't that justifiable in feeling resentful?
I personally could never imagine giving my one child without the other. If my one ds has something so does the other. Even if that means just putting the same amount of money into their account.
It obviously everyone is entitled to how they do it in there family.
The same as everyone's is entitled to have their own opinion on a subject. Just because it's different doesn't make it wrong.

metacrisis jump all over me if you want. It was my OP. But why are you getting so angry with other people's comments? Are you ok hun?

Excuse the spelling and grammar mistakes in my last post- need to check before posting!

Angry? What makes you think that? Are you projecting?

Why can't you answer the basic question: why should this woman give you her money? You think you should have it, yuo are "hurt and resentful" that she hasn't given it already, you must be able to sum up why?

Are you ok hun. Hmm sympathy diminishing rapidly.

Because if I were in the same position I would finally have the chance to even up the financial support for all my children. But that's just me. Anyways Im off to work. Thanks for all the constructive opinions guys

I know snowy that a a silly comment from me. I rose to her bait

Because if I were in the same position I would finally have the chance to even up the financial support for all my children. But that's just me

But you said that the son who had all the money was an aggressive bully who she can't say no to. And your answer to him basically stealing from her (if he had paid back the loan she would have got more in inheritance) is that she should give you lots of her money to even it up?

Can you really not see how wrong you are here?

Please empathise with your MIL. She’s lost her father and everyone around her seems overly focused on how much money they can extract from her. I’d be pretty upset if my sons partner was complaining about what I’d given my children online.

You are focusing your anger on the wrong person and should be more focused on ensuring you’re self reliant and have financial stability. You should also think about the choices you make and think longer term e.g. don’t have a third child prior to having better paid jobs, secure housing etc. I know what I say sounds hard but you can only ever rely on yourself and shouldn’t be in a position where you’re obsessing over throwaway conversations with your partners grandfather who made empty promises regarding money.

Why do threads like this always seem to descend into a game of snap dragons

It’s not your inheritance it’s your mils (although your not married) from her father. Grandchildren have no right to an inheritance, it’s a personal choice of the individual who’s money it is. It’s down to her what she does with the money that was left to her. It’s not her fault her father was good enough to LOAN money to his grandchildren at the time. Your mil has decided that write that money off as it was between her df and them. You have ZERO right to ask for any money to a mortgage.

My dh grandfather is terminally ill he has helped our grandchildren at times with money however my dh would never ever in a million years try and put a claim on any money he has. It would be completely down to his grandfather and dh mother and siblings.

If my sons partner asked me money from my dp I would tell them to jog on.

Helped his not our*