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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you deal with kids who do this?

182 replies

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/01/2018 06:34

Visiting child...every time she's here and I am prepping for example a sandwich or bowl of icecream or whatever....she will say quickly "Can I have that one?"

And point to whichever is slightly larger.

Bowl of icecream, slice of cake, chopped up salami....doesn't matter what it is.

I think it's rude...should I say something? DD and the girl are both 10...
Today they were at my house (we're in Oz) and another two little girls were also playing and the girl did it again and DD then followed suit.

I should have said "DD we don't try to grab the biggest...it's not polite..." but because I've never called her friend out on it, I felt I couldn't.

I will need to say something now DD has begun it...

OP posts:
Booie09 · 11/01/2018 10:12

Don't let them pick....you hand out the food.

Trinity66 · 11/01/2018 10:14

Presumably you try and make them all the same size, does it really matter that much?

kateandme · 11/01/2018 10:14

nope don't see the issue.not if your being taghtnin general to share,be kind etc boring etc.
we always did it biggest piece of cake.oooh the middle of the cake.bit with most icing on it.the chicken thigh with the dark meat (3 kids so one always got a breast mwaahaha)bit of the pie with biggest crust.
if it became an ssue mum would say nope you alawyas get it but it never really did.we learn to share.kids I think always want the best bit but if other things are being taught it all comes together in the end...although me and my brother and sister still get to the table first for the dark meat!there is still a piece of the middle of the parkin when my sisters left.and my brother still put the biggest crust closest to him so he can have it.but again I cant say I would share if they asked.so it depends how else she is being taught about these things at home.and then what you are doing with ur own dc.so if focus on her,make sure she knows it wont always be the best piece.
my brother at 30 also still hides a Yorkshire pudding for later.
for me it makes me giggles not be up in arms.because I no they are good people.and we were taught well by my own mum so id be polite with others now and at other peoples homes.

roomsonfire · 11/01/2018 10:17

DC Is like this.

I run and do weight training. I need extra calories so I dont get too skinny but want to stay fit.

Im also an adult and DC is 10. Constant complaints that I get more that its not fair even once called me a pig for eating my own leftover garlic bread from lunch and having it with my soup for dinner because I didn't share it.

Only child as well. Food is an obsession though and it drives me potty. I work my butt off to maintain my weight and DC has more than enough food plus access to a fully stocked fruit bowl. Still wants the bigger bit.

ever tried explaining to a 10yo why adults and children have diff sized portions?

Taffeta · 11/01/2018 10:18

Tawdry - yes you’re right. For me, it may be that the friend of DDs is just a more irritating child than the friend of DS. She is a lot more demanding - always trying to involve an adult and be involved in everything.

Op not sure why it’s relevant if I have a brother? Do you have a son? Confused

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:20

I agree too about the sexism.
And the fact that, even if, as a parent, you do treat your boys and girls dc the same, the issue is that a message like this reinforce what girls hear all the time whereas it will look ‘just good manners’ (or be ignored) by boys as they receive the opposite message all the time.

It shouldn’t be about being greedy or grabby (which give the wrong signals) but about respect for the other people around.

QueenThisTime · 11/01/2018 10:22

Greedy, grabby kids (and people in general) really wind me up so I can understand the annoyance.

We do the one cuts, the other chooses thing but it's not always possible if you have two separate things etc. I hope my kids are polite and don't do this (as they've been taught), but my DD has several friends who will ask for the biggest/constantly ask for more/snatch more, I hate it. One tries to help herself to DD's break time snack at school (they all have their own snacks, so she's not starving) and it really upsets DD. The friend will ask, and if DD shares a bit, she'll try to grab the rest Angry

We used to know a child who was really OTT with it - whatever she got given, she'd ask for another, and another, and on and on. Once we had dinner at the other family's house and this girl just helped herself to the dishes of food on the table before we'd all started, grabbing handfuls of roast chicken etc. and cramming them in her mouth before it was served up - and her parents didn't bat an eyelid. I thought that was outrageously rude and shit parenting tbh.

When my kids' friends are at our house I go with a cheery, breezy, good-humoured, but totally no-shit tone and say things like "Ha ha, I don't think so! You wait through there and I'll bring them in a minute" then just hand them one and they get what they get. Agree with PP who said keep it lighthearted and jokey (but with steely authority underneath) :)

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:24

Also dfferent people have different needs for food/appetite.
So it should be seen as ok for one to have a bigger piece and for another to have a smaller one if that’s what they need/want.

QueenThisTime · 11/01/2018 10:27

Re sexism, weirdly I've only known girls to be like this. It's definitely not that boys do it the same but I let them off. Male friends we've had round have always been very polite (but we've had many more girls). Probably just coincidence but I am 100% sure I wouldn't tolerate it in a boy either. In fact I'm probably more guilty of being more on the lookout for boys being pushy, because I'm always aware of wanting to make sure things are fair and boys aren't dominating.

HermioneAndMsJones · 11/01/2018 10:28

Actually what we do is to cut smaller pieces to start with somther is some left over.
Then once everyone has eaten, ask if one wants more, small piece?

That way people (children!) feel like they’ve had a ‘bonus’. If one has had a slightly bigger piece, then The other can have it in the next round etc....
It also allow for people to think whether they do actually want more (they might actually not be hungry anymore) rathervthan nustvtaking the bugger piece ‘just in case’.

Booboostwo · 11/01/2018 10:41

By the by, I was taught to refuse the first two offers of anything and only accept on the third offer (of the same thing). I must be the only one who knows this bloody rule as I never got to eat anything!

midnightmooch · 11/01/2018 10:54

refuse the first two offers of anything and only accept on the third offer I have never heard that before and I don't offer more than once. A friend is a skinny feeder, she gets her kicks from feeding people junk, which she won't eat herself and never takes no for an answer - I've had to call out on it, it's too bloody annoying.

MargaretCavendish · 11/01/2018 10:59

I think 'teach your daughter to ask for the biggest slice so she'll ask for a raise as an adult' is a pretty risky strategy. The adults I know who I can imagine demanding the biggest piece of cake for themselves do include a couple of people who have been very successful, but they also include a lot more people who have found it very hard to get on at work because people find them so off-puttingly abrasive. Either way, they all have pretty terrible track records in their personal relationships. That's not what I'd want to set my child up for.

Taffeta · 11/01/2018 11:11

Margaret - would you feel the same with a boy?

AnathemaPulsifer · 11/01/2018 11:51

By the by, I was taught to refuse the first two offers of anything and only accept on the third offer (of the same thing). I must be the only one who knows this bloody rule as I never got to eat anything!

Shock

I might offer twice, I’d virtually never offer three times.

Lweji · 11/01/2018 11:58

I must be the only one who knows this bloody rule as I never got to

Unfortunately not, as I was often offered the same thing, or different things several times until it felt rude to refuse.

Lweji · 11/01/2018 12:01

It's Mrs Doyle's rules.

chocatoo · 11/01/2018 12:10

We used to have a little girl come to our house who did that! I used to say sure but I just need to even them up a bit first. She would always spot the nicest bead, the pink beaker, the most glittery whatever...I became quite cunning in the end but I used to get quite frustrated when other parents didn’t see that she would always make sure she got the best! It was years ago but still irritates me now writing about it! I clearly need to Let it go.

StrangeAndUnusual · 11/01/2018 12:11

My 3 DC are always trying to nab the first or biggest slice/portion of things (unless it's broccoli). I do tell them off. Now I'm worried they do it at other people's houses! Will enquire tonight ...

MargaretCavendish · 11/01/2018 12:34

Taffeta Absolutely I'd feel the same if it was a boy - and, in fact, my mental list of adults I can imagine grabbing the largest slice is mostly male, and that kind of attitude has caused problems for many of them. Indeed, when we think about all the problems that male entitlement causes in the world, perhaps we should teach our little boys to be less grabby rather than encourage our little girls to be more so?

DonutChamp · 11/01/2018 12:41

Yanbu. My DC has a friend like this, and there are no 'pleases' and 'thank yous' either. When they slept over once they also worked naked down the landing to the loo for a pee and didn't shut the door!
Complete lack of self awareness, social niceities, and old enough to know better...

I would be appalled if my DC behaved like this at someone else's home.

DonutChamp · 11/01/2018 12:42

walked not worked!

girlwhowearsglasses · 11/01/2018 12:45

whoever cuts doesn't choose.

Ask her to divide it

Taffeta · 11/01/2018 12:46

Indeed Margaret.

I suspect however it’ll only go the other way, though. Competitiveness seems to be increasing every day, in every way.

Where does competitiveness become distasteful and where is it acceptable?

Oblomov18 · 11/01/2018 13:20

I love threads like this.
Confirms that practically no one else sees it like I do. Grin
So many people thinking it's rude, or bad manners.
I don't. I suspect this girl is deprived, or at least feels deprived. Has she got older siblings? And never gets a big slice?

My 2 ds's eat constantly and I can't get enough food in them. Ds2 is solid, fully toned. Both play football - practice and actually playing = 3 times a week.

But before they even played football they were on adult portions. I dish up a steak pie, plus also a chicken pie, (1pie between the 4 of us simply isn't enough) - a bag of new potatoes, a steamed cauliflower, a steamed broccoli and 4-6 steamed carrots.
Equally. I call out. "Dinner's ready. Anyone's anyone's", because they are all the same.

All gets wolfed down. When they have friends over, I tell them to eat what they want and leave what they don't.

They probably have already had a snack. I have a huge cupboard filled with goodies. Then we might have a pudding, which we normally wouldn't have.

Apparently friends love coming to mine Grin

But I wouldn't, as a pp suggested make a child each too much. Or go home raving, on a sugar high!! Wink

But I am generally shocked at how little most other kids eat. Mine can put away an adult portion. Easily.

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