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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

251 replies

FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:26

Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:47

We have been telling her partner he'd have to look after the baby but he is convinced she'd be fine or they'd get help while he's at work.

Unfortunately I live nowhere near them so I just can't offer any real help with the baby (apart from over the phone).

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 10/01/2018 21:47

Edmund I completely agree with you.

AdalindSchade · 10/01/2018 21:49

There is no way she will access additional funding for childcare or carers to look after the baby at home for her. That simply wouldn't be a valid use of resources and not a solution to the problem that she is not capable of being a main carer for the baby.
Social services will assess her parenting capacity and his (using specialist tools for people with LDs) and make recommendations. If they think that mum can't do it and dad won't step up they may go to court to consider alternative care options such as family members of either parent or adoption.

DearMrDilkington · 10/01/2018 21:50

How long has she been with her partner? I have the same concerns as Edmund.

Duchy0fGrandFenwick · 10/01/2018 21:50

She won’t get to keep the baby, childcare would be no good (who would look after baby if it had to leave childcare early due to illness?).

Sad situation.

MimpiDreams · 10/01/2018 21:51

Disabled people can and do make excellent parents

Of course a great number can, but people with the issues that are detailed in the OP?

Yes they can. I'm one of them. I have autism and struggle to care for myself. I have a support worker from adult social services who helps me with all sorts from self-care to financial stuff. I've never needed any help with DS who is nearly 5 now. It's easier to look after him than it is myself. I might wear the same clothes all week sometimes but DS has clean stuff every single day. I can't explain why, it just is.

My only contact with child services was them introducing themselves when he was tiny and making sure I knew how to contact them if I felt I needed any support.

pigshavecurlytails · 10/01/2018 21:51

They won't get a free nanny which is essentially what he is suggesting. He either gives up work or pays for childcare or the CP system will wind its very slow way through realising that the child is being neglected. What a mess. Does she even have capacity to consent to sex? Sounds dubious from your OP.

Catbot · 10/01/2018 21:52

Hello OP, I'm a Learning Disabilities Nurse. You will need to contact Social Care if they are not already aware but also contact your local Community Learning Disability Team so that they can support her through her pregnancy (and beyond). PM me if you need help finding them. It is early days and she will need sensitive support but a good assessment too. There are many families in which one or both parents has learning disabilities but it will all depend on your friends own needs and the availability of support in your area.

MarthaArthur · 10/01/2018 21:53

Does anyone remember that episode of one born every minute with the lady who suffered serious braindamage as a child when she was hit by a car? She had a baby Elizabeth and had social workers and had lists of everyrhing she needed to do for the baby. She made a great mother despite her challenges so i would assume her midwife and drs would make longterm plans with her.

AHungryMum · 10/01/2018 21:55

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

She cannot and will not cope with a baby, based on what youve said. She cannot look after herself let alone a baby. If she can't cope with loud noises then having a baby is insanity. If she can't even cope with food shopping she can't cope with looking after a baby.

This isn't about disablism, it's about the fact that someone is choosing to bring a child into the world that they are clearly not going to be able to cope with and all the accompanying issues they are going to cause for that child when it inevitably goes wrong.

YANBU at all to be concerned.

Original poster
FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:55

She has been with her partner for a while. Social worker is aware of the relationship and didn't have any concerns. He is caring towards her but doesn't always seem to understand her needs. She is very happy with him, he does look after her and seems to love her genuinely. I don't feel like he is taking advantage of her but I am furious he has put her in this situation.

OP posts:
Monoblock67 · 10/01/2018 21:56

MarthaArthur I get what you’re getting at but a TBI is very different from a learning disability. Honestly it’s hard to judge the situation without knowing all the details. OP please phone the social worker and get confirmation of the pregnancy.

Snowdrop18 · 10/01/2018 21:59

ThisLittleKitty so if you say he has to be full time at home with baby, how are the bills paid?

OP my main concern would be that she doesn't realise what it will be like even with help, as you say she has to leave the room with loud noises etc.

Bellamuerte · 10/01/2018 21:59

I'm more concerned that a vulnerable adult (who is apparently so vulnerable that she needs a carer) is having sex with a man who should know better than to take advantage of a person with a learning disability. It raises serious concerns about safeguarding.

It's possible that Social Services might award custody to the partner but equally they might be concerned about him having taken advantage of a mentally disabled person. The lady herself is unlikely to be allowed to keep the baby if she isn't even capable of taking care of herself.

Original poster
FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 22:02

Mimpi thank you so much for your message, it gives me great hope just knowing that her personal difficulties might have no effect on her parenting.

Catbot thank you for your kind offer. I will send you a message if that's ok? I could really do with some help knowing the best ways to access help and advice for her.

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 10/01/2018 22:03

Op your friend sounds extremely like a relative (by marriage) of mine - except she has just lost the baby conceived by NHS ivf.

Speak to whoever you need to - she needs support and he needs a kick into reality.

SleepFreeZone · 10/01/2018 22:05

New babies bring such an extreme amount of disruption with them I just can't see how she will cope. DS2 gave me 3 hours of interrupted sleep every night for 6 months. I was so tired I was hallucinating.

WhoWants2Know · 10/01/2018 22:06

I have known quite a few mothers with learning disabilities in a similar situation. Two of them were able to keep and raise their children, and one of the mums had a partner with learning disabilities as well. They were successful in part because they had good support in place from learning disability services.

But sadly, it's been more common in my experience that children have eventually been removed from the home. If the support isn't in place for the parents and a child protection issue arises, the first priority will be getting the child to a place that they feel is safe.

MimpiDreams · 10/01/2018 22:07

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

She cannot and will not cope with a baby, based on what youve said. She cannot look after herself let alone a baby. If she can't cope with loud noises then having a baby is insanity. If she can't even cope with food shopping she can't cope with looking after a baby.

This isn't about disablism, it's about the fact that someone is choosing to bring a child into the world that they are clearly not going to be able to cope with and all the accompanying issues they are going to cause for that child when it inevitably goes wrong.

This is disablism. You're passing judgment on someone you don't know based purely on their disability. You have no idea of her abilities when it comes to being a parent. Nobody does.

I can't cope with loud noises, but I'm a bloody good parent.

I can't cope with food shopping, but I'm a bloody good parent.

So long as the right coping mechanisms are in place.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/01/2018 22:07

Why is it when someone is concerned about a friend there's always one poster who says "you're judging and don't sound like a friend" Confused

You are right I have concerns. For the family as a whole unit. It may affect your friends MH if she cannot cope with noise. Budgeting shouldn't be a huge issue as her DP can take charge of that. Food maybe easily sorted if they can bulk cook and freeze and she can manage a microwave?

Can she follow written instructions and visual timetables? Could she take care responsibilities safely of the needs of the child are outlined to her and written down?

Plenty of people disabled and non disabled are able to care for children - yet plenty of people disabled and non disabled don't have the skills.

What's most important is what support will she need, what support does she currently have? Can and will that support continue if she has a child and can that support help with the child?

Perhaps you could offer to attend her first midwife appointment with her to help her ask the right questions and get the answers she needs.

It's entirely possible she can do this with the right support in place. But her social worker may suggest the child is appointed a SS who will primarily assess if the child's needs are being met and the child is and can be safeguarded.

Avocadoicecream · 10/01/2018 22:08

I would have thought social services would become involved? Or contact them yourself. You could also contact a disability organization first if you were worried at all about this, as they would have a useful view.

It wouldn’t be about disabilities surely, but about the parents ability to provide adequate care.

metacrisis · 10/01/2018 22:09

I can't cope with loud noises, but I'm a bloody good parent

What does this mean though? Kids make loud noises, so either you can actually cope with them when you have to, or someone does it for you.

Catbot · 10/01/2018 22:09

People with learning disabilities are allowed a sex life Hmm

OP, she'd also benefit hugely from an independent advocate who can help her navigate all the meetings and assessments that will happen.

The Community Team will have accessible 'easy read' resources about pregnancy to help her understand what is happening to her body.

Originalfoogirl · 10/01/2018 22:12

If she has a carer, she has a social worker. If she has a Social Worker they will be aware of the situation and will monitor and advise. If they were aware of the relationship and had no problem, surely they would have been aware it could result in pregnancy. If she is as vulnerable and incapable as you say, they would have intervened.

Help and support will be offered to them. It sounds to me as if you are judging her without knowing all the facts.

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