Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

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Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

It's concerning that the boyfriend does not even recognise/acknowledge there may be issues.

I know of a woman whose baby ended up being removed and a large part of that was because the husband couldn't recognise what his wife was/wasn't capable of and the impact on their child.

What does this mean though? Kids make loud noises, so either you can actually cope with them when you have to, or someone does it for you.

I have ear defenders but I rarely use them as DS, who also has autism, doesn't like loud noise either.

I'm afraid her partner is going to get a rude awakening if he thinks that there will be a 'Mary Poppins' who will appear to take charge while he is at work. As upthread, contact Social Care and the CLDT. You are a good friend.

Op, did your friend want to become pregnant? Was the pregnancy planned or did she believe her partner was in charge of whatever birth control they were using?

You never really know how people are going to cope until they get a chance to prove themselves. I've been very surprised by how well a nearby couple with disabilities cope - they do a fantastic job although they have some support. They have a lot of adaptations in their house which I think Occupational Therapy helped with. They had to get a special changing station and when the baby was learning to crawl and then walk - it was harder for them.

I was initially felt very negative about the situation but am happy to have been wrong.

If she is as vulnerable and incapable as you say, they would have intervened

They can do little else other than give advice.

Thank you everyone for your advice and experiences. I'll be contacting her social worker and CLDT first thing tomorrow to make sure she has all the information and proper support in place. I'm still really scared for what she's about to go through but at least there's help available.

As a parent to a child with LD I find you very patronising and self serving. She is your friend not your child or your plaything - mind your own business.

As many have said, social services will be very involved and assess the situation from early on. I'm sure they will get Dad on the straight and narrow in due course. What Dad to be hasn't under-estimated what a new baby means?

You've said you can't offer practical support so back off. If you are a true friend you'd be celebrating with her and helping her to understand what motherhood might mean. Not bitching about her incompetence on here to gain yourself attention.

She has a hard enough journey ahead of her without supposed friends judging her before she has even spoken to professionals. She will need people to offer practical support and advocate for her - not undermine her.

My usual policy on MN is if I can't say something nice don't say anything but I really feel the need to stand up for you 'friend'.

I hope my son never has 'friends' like you!

Two separate process will happen.

The baby will most likely be subject to a child in need/ child protection plan from birth. The assessment of its needs and the parents ability to meet them will be subject to the normal children's services procedures.

Adult services will also be expected to complete an updated care act assessment for your friend to include her role as a parent. In theory she should be able to access additional paid support as a result of this from adult services to meet her role as a parent.

Children's services should take into account in their assessment any support that is available from adult services.

It's possible that your friend and her partner may be offered a placement in a family assessment unit immediately after the baby us born, particularly if her partner is NT and in theory no less cable than any other first time parent.

Providing one of the parents is assessed as being able to provide full time care it's entirely possible the baby will remain in their care unless a point is reached where concerns are raised. It may also be that one parent is allowed residency and the other (in this case your friend) may be given contact.

What intervention are some suggesting in order to avoid this? Government legislated steralisation?

Well said DizzyBlondeMum2

You are right to be concerned, if she can do so little for herself then how on earth is she expecting to care for a child.

The child is also at high risk for becoming a child carer which is extremely sad.

I'd also worry about the relationship and informed consent as others have said.

DizzyBlondeMum2 very well said

I really hope the partner steps up.

I know a couple who sound similar-ish, although the disability is physical. The child goes to a childminder each day when his Dad is at work. They get help toward childcare from tax credits (you don't both have to be working if one person is disabled) and that's what lets him keep his job.

I'd be a bit concerned about the partner, as well. Sexuality for people with disabilities, particularly learning disabilities, is a complicated and sensitive issue anyway (though people with eg Downs syndrome sometimes form happy relationships with one another) but... I'd kind of wonder about a man who wants someone who is maybe not able to argue with him, and thinks he's wonderful...

DizzyBlondeMum I don't see that at all! I think OP sounds like a very caring friend looking for advice to help her friend get the support she needs. It seems entirely appropriate to me to ask on a parenting forum?

My job used to be working with and for disabled parents.
I am married to a disabled parent
I have a child with LD and ASD.
I don't have any time for knee jerk reactions to disabled people becoming parents. Of course disabled people can parent.
No one is doing this family in the OP any favours by pretending there are never issues with parents with disabilities. Being disabled doesn't automatically make you noble and lovely and able to be a fab mummy or daddy.

SS may well be concerned about the relationship but not able to intervene as the friend is an adult and SS don't have the power to stop adults having sex with each other unless there are serious concerns.
Things are likely to change when the partner with LDs becomes pregnant.
Women with LDs are incredibly vulnerable to SS intervention.
If the partner is being unrealistic about the future and refusing to admit there may be issues and the mother has significant issues SS will be interested.

And there is a real risk the child will be removed.
Not because this set up can't work but because in order to work things need to be put in place.
In the same way that I couldn't just leave my babies with their dad and expect him to do the same things I could. He could do lots of stuff and is a great dad but his disabilities meant we had to adapt our parenting.

Fair or not, the outlook for parents with LDs often not great.
Not in my experience.

I have a son with LD amongst oher things, and would rather friends stepped in and tried to help him in a situation he would very much struggle to cope with than stand back and potentially let him and a child suffer. He would struggle to be primary carer for a child and would need a lot of help, where is the problem in admitting that?

What if Dad buggers off and leaves her with a child she cannot cope with? That is statistically more likely than them staying together. Should be we all mind our own business then? Accepting that physical or learning disabilities will affect the ability to do something is not being disablist, its being realistic.

So Dizzy I couldnt disagree with you more.

Well said MrsDV

It's not disablist to show genuine concern of OP's friends situation- OP stepping in at an earlier stage and asking the SW to match her friend with the appropriate support services and give the partner a realistic expectation of what can and will be expected of him could make all the difference in the outcome here.

A family member was engaged to a (much younger) woman with learning difficulties. He was mid 30s, she was 18, and she got pregnant. Her childhood hadn't been great and she had a social worker, who then became involved with her child once born. My family member has never worked, has a criminal record for petty theft and has a disability that would put employers off (he has no qualifications and so only manual work is suitable, but he cannot do anything physically taxing), so didn't have an income. His fiancee had left her special school when she started dating him and wasn't really capable of independent living.

When the DC was born, social services would only allow the baby to remain at home with them if my family member was always present to be the primary carer of the baby, as the mum was deemed incapable of remembering how to take good care of a baby by herself. Two years later she got pregnant again and by this time, the DC1 was on a child in need plan and there were various child protection meetings and moves to remove DC1 from the home due to neglect by both parents. Unintentional neglect, but neglect all the same, neither of them could cope. DC2 was born with serious health problems and was in NICU for a long time, after that was taken into care and adopted out. Dc1 was removed from the parents soon after and is now living with their grandmother permanently.

There seem a lot of parallels in your description of this mother, which makes me worry that social services will be interested and she may not have any options.

"If she has a carer, she has a social worker."
Not necessarily - there are not enough social workers for everyone to have a named worker all the time. There will be a responsible team however.

hang on a min
the OP would not be able to talk to her "friends" SW.
that would not happen.
if the friend has a SW, that SW would not discuss her with a random.

The OP said "Thank you all for the advice. She does have a social worker, if we contact them will they be able to give her an idea what help she can get? Will that take months or weeks does anyone know?

I took that to mean she'll be supporting her friend and her DP in contacting them and advising on what questions to ask.