Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

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Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

i am interested about the op's relationship with her friend. she says she lives a long way a way and contact is via phone. so how up to date is her friendship? or is this as some one said a childhood friend?
the idea that because someone has a ld they must have been coerced into sex is a disturbing blinkered one. shock horror people with lds are just people and will have sex.
a lot of the attitudes on here are very old fashioned (for want of a warmer exprexsion) and I think that is what the poster who mentioned aboriginal people meant.

LoverOfCake you could also say that about ablebodied parents.

Samcro and in the instances of able bodied parents no-one would have any hesitation in speaking to the authorities if they believed the children to be at risk.

But maybe that is partly the issue here. People see SS as people who intervenE when children are at risk of harm or neglect. In the case of able bodied parents that harm or neglect is more often than not malicious, and as such we judge the parents and praise the authorities for becoming involved. However in the case of some parents with severe disabilities harm or neglect can occur due to lack of understanding or the right support, and if the children are then removed it is generaly a tragedy all round because the parent with the LD’s didn’t intend to harm or neglect the child, they simply didn’t have the capacity to look after it properly, possibly due to their own lack of understanding.

Here we have, according to the OP’s explanation, a parent who has very limited understanding, and another able-bodied parent who is not offering support and as such is potentially (if the information is accurate) contributing to the problem if the authorities end up getting involved.

She may not know any better but may be able to parent effectively with the right support. However if he doesn’t give her that support it is entirely possible that this child will be removed for its safety rather than because she has done anything wrong. And yes, I would absolutely bloody judge the able bodied partner of a woman with severe learning difficulties if he allows their child to be removed because he refuses to step up to the plate. And I would absolutely question what kind of partner he was, and whether he was in fact controlling on other levels including a sexual one if he got a woman with limited understanding and capacity pregnant and then allowed her to go through the pain of having a child removed. That has absolutely nothing to do with thinking that people with learning disabilities are coerced into having sex and everything to do with the fact that someone with limited capacity and understanding is an easy target for someone wanting to take advantage.

yes, since the pp said that people (as in all) with LDs have sex and there is no reason at all to say they MAY have been coerced into sex. Of course there is reason to say it is a possibility.
This is obvious.

or do you not care about those that can't be there are those that can? That is what you are saying

You are of course right that some disabled people are raped, have controlling partners and struggle to care for their children....pretty much like the rest of us

way to miss the point: which was some people have a disability which is the cause of their inability to consent, which is what makes it rape. Not at all like the "rest of us".

The big question here is whether the father will be up to the job and whether support services will be adequate. It's sad that it's reasonable to consider they might not be and for the sake of your friend's adjustment could be useful for her and her social worker to plan out what might happen if things go wrong as otherwise she will maybe have an unrealistic idea of what will happen in this scenario. However I hope she gets the support from partner and social work that she needs and can be the great mum she wants to be!

Apparently you need it explaining.

You literally showed that you did not. It's not goady to say what needs saying.

Op wasn’t clear about how far SS are involved already. Carer could just be a family member. Presumably she is not living with her partner if she is being cared for by someone else? There’s a lot of grey which would make me want to speak to someone in a position to facilitate support.

I, too, see red flags at the idea of someone who is severely affected enough by learning disabilities being impregnated by a man who "often doesn't understand what she needs".

It's not necessarily a red flag. People with LDs often have relationships with other people with LDs whether diagnosed or not. And if not that then they tend to have relationships with people who are at the very low end of the IQ spectrum. I'm not saying this discriminatorily, just people tend to have relationships with people with the same outlook and issues so it does tend to be the case.

It isn't necessarily a red flag for abuse outside the fact neither of them really seem to have a deep understanding into the problems and issues they face. He's not necessarily a predator and more likely just isn't equipped to understand.

I’m finding your posts irritating. What I said was that the fact some people can’t consent doesn’t mean all can’t

no, what you said that was because some can, we should ignore the fact that this person (and others) may not be able to.
I'm sure you do find it irritating that you were so wrong and I pointed it out.

It sounds far more like she has problems with numeracy and literacy

You don't get a full time carer for numeracy and literacy problems believe me.

zzzzz well said...From other posts elsewhere on Mumsnet i think it may be fair to say that meta either got out of the wrong side of bed this morning or is a little unkind and judgemental in her approach. I admire your advocacy for this woman, and it's not misplaced i'm sure.

A family member was in a Similar position.
Luckily her mum has stepped in and does most if the caring and SS are satisfied with this but it’s been very very hard for everyone involved ( except the family member as she said largely oblivious)
The little girl is now 6 and is great but God knows what would have happened if her Grandma hadn’t been willing and able to step in
As for anyone arguing that it’s unfair the assume disabled people can’t be great parents I’m sure they can IF they are able to be or have any concept if what that actually means.
This person got pregnant after me and Sil did saying she wanted “presents and attention too”

She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything

I assumed not being able to cope on her own meant full time. The OP described her problems as 'serious' said she couldn't cope on her own and had a 'carer' (not support worker) and that she needed help with 'anything' then gave a couple of examples.

If you're just going to cherry pick those examples and pretend that is the full extent of the problem I would suggest you were trying to minimise it at the least.

hopping yes. Seen it too. Someone with LDs thinking a very small baby is 'bad', 'doing it on purpose', 'naughty', 'trying to wind me up', 'doesn't like me'. Couldn't understand that babies cry for a reason.