Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

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Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

Posters on this thread are being disablist despite their claims. This is based on making judgments on a person based on disability as described by the OP. This description could be accurate but that's not guaranteed.

A professional who has met said friend and assessed the situation properly would be appropriate to judge. Posters here can't. The most they can say is pursue it with professionals which some have said and fair enough.

I work with adults with LD. I would be concerned about a couple of things here. Firstly whether or not your friend this pregnancy was planned or an accident. Who is taking responsibility for contraception? Does the lady have the required capacity to do so herself? You said SS we’re happy about the relationship so at some point her capacity to understand and make informed decisions about sex has been assessed.

Secondly, I would be concerned that the dad to be doesn’t seem to understand her needs even right now and therefore what her needs as a mother would be. I would be worried that he would overestimate her capabilities and fail to foresee potential areas where she needs more support which could ultimately lead to tragedy for all.

My worst case scenario would be him skipping off to work assuming all is fine and then there is some accident at home because mum is unable to cope.

In your position I would be call the adult social
care team for her area to make sure they are aware of ge situation and then they will take it from there.

This is based on making judgments on a person based on disability as described by the OP.

Well we have no other way of ‘judging’ the situation, there’s near zero chance of any of us speaking to her friend so (as with any post on this forum) can only give an opinion on the information given. In the individual case as read here, it does sound like the OP’s friend would struggle greatly with a child, especially since her partner cannot seem to comprehend her personal difficulties. This in turn would be very unfair on the child at least, if not actually placing them in harm. Of course, that is up to the appropriate services to assess.

Posters on this thread are being disablist despite their claims

If you say so. Soome always calls the majority disabilist when anyone even mentions disability.
It won't be any use as a buzzword when this person has their child removed from them by social services, will it?

How parents with LD (and actually many disabilities) are thought of on this thread reminds me very much of how Aboriginal Australians were thought of 40+ years ago, or native Canadians in Canada

Thats properly offensive in both directions and you need to wind your neck back in.

If her disability is genetic there is possibility that the baby will also be disabled.

@Facelikeaslappedarse yeah because being disabled is a fate worse than death and a life of misery 🙄

Bishop.
My child is disabled. F off.

What a sad situation.

How is it disablist to acknowledge that disabilities have an impact on daily living? Disabilities aren't just a label imposed upon people by the social model. They have meaning. They often involve impaired function, greater difficulty with daily tasks and other issues. These have to be taken into account. Surely it's more disablist to pretend that people with disabilities don't have different requirements, and therefore don't require any adjustments to be made for them or support given?

It's a shame that the thread is so fraught based on pretty scant information and bounced around assumptions.
The woman in question has sensory issues, struggles to deal with problems and has a carer . She has an apparently supportive DH and social services are aware of her.
She and her DH are staggeringly naive about the profound change a baby will bring to their lives

These issues have been imediately interpreted as severe LDs and a potentially abusive exploitative DH who has coerced her into sex.

I have anxiety, didn't have a fucking clue what parenting would be like and plunged imediately into depression

Many people start life with a child in incredibly difficult circumstances and if her situation is as bad and her disabilities as severe as some have imediately assumed then the outcome doesn't look good. But the assumptions are pretty sweeping in spite of the OPs apparent confidence that the relationship is a healthy one.

What people need to remember here is that this is a child we are talking about. A baby who is going to be 100% reliant on someone for its every need. Someone who by the OP’s explanation is not capable of looking after herself and as such is potentially not capable of looking after a baby.

We can avoid the discussion about disability all we like, but the fact here is that disability does make a difference to certain things, and depending on the disability these issues can sometimes be overcome, and sometimes,sadly, they can’t.

Having a baby isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and excitement over the cute baby. It’s nappies and sleepless nights and sterilising and knowing how hot is too hot for a bottle of formula. It’s knowing that babies need stimulating and keeping safe when they become mobile. It’s knowing that you can’t even leave a tiny newborn on a couch because a newborn can roll and when it does the consequences can be horrific.

And the fact that the OP’s friend is merely excited about the pregnancy and hasn’t considered the fact that intervention is likely going to be required is very worrying because it is potentially indicative of her levels of understanding.

And I’d be wondering whether “caring” on the part of the partner actually means controlling. I’ve known plenty of people with disabilities, even moderate and mild disabilities who have ended up in controlling relationships with able-bodied men but who have been so happy that someone able-bodied has taken an interest in them wen they’ve been told that this would likely never happen that they initially mistake control and removal of independence for someone being caring and don’t see how it is until it’s too late and they’re in a controlling relationship with someone who has taken advantage. someone with limited capacity could so very easily fall target to a man who saw her difficulties as a positive thing because he would be able to control her.

Let’s be brutally honest here, both children and adults with severe disabilities are I believe twice as likely to be sexually abused as those without because A, many don’t have the ability to speak out, and B, many don’t have the ability to fight back. So it stands to reason that someone with disabilities is also more likely to end up in an abusive/controlling relationship for similar reasons. It has nothing to do with not wanting the disabled to have a sex life and everything to do with the fact that there are. People out there who are prepared to take advantage of society’s most vulnerable.

I have autism and dyspraxia myself, as well as mental health issues. I also have a problem with one arm that could cause me considerable difficulties at times when looking after a baby.

If I decide to have a baby(if my fertility issues allow) then I'll certainly be taking my sensory issues, difficulty getting out, OCD and other mental health issues into account. It doesn't mean that I'm unfit to parent, only that it's wise to take these things into account when making my decision, and if I decide to go ahead, to help me to put plans in place to minimise the impact of my issues.

I'm very much in favour of being with disabilities being treated as individuals, but that does mean that acknowledging that some are 'impaired' to a greater extent than others. I have a friend with mild LD. She could look after a baby with some support, I wouldn't have too many concerns about her, but I've worked with people with much more severe LDs and I'd be concerned about their ability to raise a child. Some would certainly be able to with help, others would be completely incapable, as they can't do the simplest tasks without constant prompting. Another travels all over the U.K every day, and though requires some support with daily tasks is one of the most independent people I know.

I don't know which category the OP's friend falls into, it's such a wide spectrum, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned that someone who needs considerable support, might struggle, especially if their partner is so unhelpful. Especially considering the cuts that have badly affected people with disability. Again it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be a parent, but I'd be concerned too about them, especially in the event of them not receiving sufficient support.

It isn't a sad situation that someone's expecting a baby. It is a sad situation that many children are placed into care BECAUSE no one sorts out support for a vulnerable woman beforehand. That's what the OP is trying to do and I'm surprised that so many people think we should stand back and watch when potentially a crisis could be averted by standing up and saying something about your concerns. That's not nosey or judgy, that's having a genuine child protection concern. If the baby was born and the lady was unable to parent, the advice on here would be very different.

Which is ok Teufel if talking about yourself.
On paper I'd not make the ideal candidate to parent - deaf, autistic and for the past 3 years mobility issues.

I parent just fine, thanks.

It might be a happy event. I don't have enough information to judge because I don't know the mother in question, but I really do not see how people can compare Australian aborigines to people with LD. It isn't just prejudice that's a barrier with LD, it can be the LD itself too, as well as prejudice.

What I'm saying I suppose is for me to opine about my own situation is fine, but it's absolutely not acceptable for anyone to judge my life based on my abilities as a list without any knowledge of me as a person or my loved experience solely based on the fact I'm disabled.

In this particular case people are commenting on the opinion of someone who doesn't live this life, doesn't even live nearby and share regular everyday experiences with the friend she's posting about and diminishing the opinion of the partner that lives every day in that situation.

on the information given I am not sure this lady would though.

Lover not all disability is the same. Some disabilities have zero impact on ability to parent.

How accurate is information given third hand and heavily opinionated?

as accurate as any can be on an Internet forum. I'm saying that if I was the OP I would feel like I would be a better friend to raise concerns than to ignore them. The Op asked for help, not the lady concerned, so my advice is to the OP.

The thing is, someone who needs carers is not going to parent without any kind of intervention. We can’t possibly know the extent of her disabilities but it’s the same with any topic on here, we only know the information we’re given.

Interestingly I’ve just read an article on the BBC re two children of a parent with mild LD’s who have now been removed and placed for adoption due to her inability to cope. .

There is no question that parents with disabilities can’t parent. But sometimes it does need to be recognised that some parents with disabilities will need additional help, and some parents with disabilities simply won’t have what it takes, and the children will be better off either with family or in some instances being placed for adoption.

And no, it isn’t always a happy announcement if someone is pregnant, because if that person stands no chance of being allowed to keep their baby it will end in tragedy and heartbreak all round..