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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled pregnant friend, AIBU?

251 replies

FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:26

Please help! My friend has just discovered she is pregnant. She has a learning disability serious enough that she needs a carer. She is kind and sweet and a joy to be around but she isn't able to cope on her own (she needs help with anything financial, buying food etc). She can't cope with any loud noises, she has to leave the room. She struggles as well with any problems, she will get upset and repeat herself, asking the same question over and over until someone helps her. However she is so excited at the thought of being a mum.

Her partner has no disability but is convinced she'll learn how to look after the baby and he can carry on with his life and work as normal. I want to shake him.

I am terrified that she has no idea of what being a parent really means and nor does her partner. So, am I being unreasonable to be really scared for her and the baby, and honestly think this is a bad idea? Anyone been in a similar situation? What help will they get in terms of care? Will her partner be expected to stay home to care for the baby? Will they be given childcare to cover the hours her partner is at work (this is what they think will happen).
Thank you all in advance.

OP posts:
metacrisis · 10/01/2018 21:29

Sounds like a recipe for disaster that social services will take a very keen interest in. I can't see it ending up rainbows and happiness, sorry. Sad

HardAsSnails · 10/01/2018 21:32

You don't really sound like much of a friend tbh. Disabled people can and do make excellent parents.

GoJetterGirl · 10/01/2018 21:33

Does your friend currently receive any help from social care? If so, at some point she will see a midwife and her disability will be noted and social care informed to make an assessment of the support she will need in order to be able to safely parent the baby and make sure his basic, emotional, educational and holistic needs are met, unfortunately, if her partner displays the same disregard to concerns to social care it won't bode well for your friend, so partner really needs to have his head wobbled and get on board.

Marcine · 10/01/2018 21:33

Social services may be able to help with childcare. Does she have a social worker currently?

metacrisis · 10/01/2018 21:34

Disabled people can and do make excellent parents

Of course a great number can, but people with the issues that are detailed in the OP?

fannyfelcher · 10/01/2018 21:35

If they intend to keep custody then it is very very likely that her partner will need to give up work to raise the baby/provide full time care for mum and baby and then go back once the baby is in school. This deffinitely needs to be flagged at her booking in appointment.

EggysMom · 10/01/2018 21:35

This news article has relevance:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-dorset-42637117

Original poster
FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:35

That's exactly how I feel Meta. She's been through so much in her life, I I'm really upset about this. I don't know what to do to help her.

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 10/01/2018 21:35

Through work I’ve encountered situations such as you have described- and you’re right to be concerned. If her disabilities are such that she could pose a risk to the baby, it is very likely that social services would look to have the baby adopted if the father were not able to provide total care. There would be no free childcare, no additional help from her carers for the baby.
I’m really sorry, but this has potential for disaster written all over it.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/01/2018 21:37

Huh why can't her partner just do most of the care for the baby? I went into my last pregnancy as a single parent from the begining. There's two of them she has a partner who is not disabled sure he can cope with a baby. Whys it only women who are expected to just cope.

cricketqueen · 10/01/2018 21:38

It doesn't sound like the best situation. Does your friend have a social worker? Social services will get involved in situations like this. She may get extra support etc but her partner needs to be more realistic about the outcome.

metacrisis · 10/01/2018 21:39

Huh why can't her partner just do most of the care for the baby?...There's two of them she has a partner who is not disabled sure he can cope with a baby

And when he is at work?

Ellendegeneres · 10/01/2018 21:39

And I disagree with hardassnails you sound like a very caring friend.
Of course disabled people can make amazing parents- I am one. But mental impairments such as described where the mother needs a carer limit greatly their ability to risk assess, so could put baby in danger- and social services won’t allow that to be a ‘give it a chance’ situation. They just won’t. Unless she has someone who can take the baby for her or her partner leaves work and takes responsibility for all aspects of the care of the baby, it’s unlikely (in my experience) that baby will be left with Mum.

GoJetterGirl · 10/01/2018 21:41

OP, are you in any position to put yourself forward for support for her? If she has a good enough support network, then this can be worked with, am I correct in assuming that your friend is under the impression that she will be provided a sit in carer for the DC? Unfortunately, I've not ever known that to happen, but there are supported sheltered housing that may be in a position to assess her after she has had the baby if social care start care proceedings, the court ordered assessment is called a 38.6 and although technically is a residential assessment of the child, it is usually a 12 week residential assume that utilised to assess parenting capacity. Get your friend a good child/ family proceedings lawyer lined up ready, depending on where your friend lives I can recommend various firms.

Original poster
FacebookStoleMyLife · 10/01/2018 21:41

I would be the first person to fiercely fight for the rights of disabled parents. I can't stand prejudice or judgement. But I know my friend, I know her particular struggles and see how she struggles around my children. In this particular situation I don't know how she will cope.

Thank you all for the advice. She does have a social worker, if we contact them will they be able to give her an idea what help she can get? Will that take months or weeks does anyone know?

Fanny thank you, that is helpful information, are you a social worker by any chance?

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 10/01/2018 21:41

What an incredibly sad situation, but from what you describe, the needs of the child may not be met by your friend, and with funding cuts there isn't the budget for a 'support package' sufficient to be in place. I hope it all works out

Monoblock67 · 10/01/2018 21:42

Without being horrible. If she needs a carer to guide her through basic life skills (such as finances), there’s no way she would cope with managing a baby full time. Even simple things, like when baby is due a feed for example-you said she needs told over and over for certain things-would she manage to recognise feeding cues on her own?
Does she have a social worker already? Honestly I know we don’t know the full details of their everyday life; but even if her partner stops working and cares for them both full time, I don’t see them being able to keep this child.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/01/2018 21:42

Well then he doesn't work or works once the baby is old enough for child care.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/01/2018 21:42

I’m more concerned about how she fell pregnant to start with. If her disabilities are that severe, does she even have the cognitive abilities to understand sex and pregnancy? You say her partner is NT, sounds like he’s taken advantage of a vulnerable woman from how I’m reading it.

Redcliff · 10/01/2018 21:44

Does her partner earn enough to pay for childcare?

Monoblock67 · 10/01/2018 21:44

OP if you contact her social worker (and I’m begging you to do so), they will assess from there. I know some nurseries will take from 2, and give so many free hours a week, but it’s really dependent on where you live and what the circumstances are.

Barbie222 · 10/01/2018 21:45

How well / long has she known her partner? Does he not have a grasp of the situation? Is her carer a family member or organised through ss? Will they be able to raise your concerns with midwife?

OnionKnight · 10/01/2018 21:45

I’m more concerned about how she fell pregnant to start with. If her disabilities are that severe, does she even have the cognitive abilities to understand sex and pregnancy? You say her partner is NT, sounds like he’s taken advantage of a vulnerable woman from how I’m reading it.

I agree, if this was my friend I'd have alarm bells going off in my head.

Monoblock67 · 10/01/2018 21:46

Also just curious-has the pregnancy been confirmed by a GP or likewise or have you seen evidence of it?

Ellendegeneres · 10/01/2018 21:46

edmund that was my first thought too.