To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

Sorry to sound rude but I'm actually a bit amazed by your latest post! I agree with seekevery on every point. Relationships are hard, everyone here knows that, but they're harder when you don't listen to the person you're in a relationship with.

Can't believe what I've just read. I agree with seek and the points they made.

OP - you have come up against the old MN double standards.
There have been countless threads about men not supporting their children. How eveil bastards have kids and then cut off the money.

Your priority is your child. If money is needed to make his life better then you are right to give it.

Your new wife knew she was marrying someone with a child. She accepted that. She earns well herself.

I agree that she is clearly unhappy. I doubt she is having an affair but I do think that unless the matter of a child is addressed she will leave. Very, very few women will give up the chance of having their own child

There’s no polite way to say this: if you think this is about double standards, you’re thick as shit frankly.

Oh no he hasn't!

No-one has suggested he shouldn't support or spend time with his child. They have said that carrying on in a pseudo-relationship with his ex isn't doing his marriage much good.

Maybe your wife is putting all of her effort into going to the gym because she feels she has no need to "make the effort" for you at home as you are unwilling to even discuss her desire to have a biological child.

Also, if your child was your wife's biological child, would you always include your child on weekends away? Most couples need a break from the norm occasionally and 1 weekend away as a couple would not scar your son for life. A happier dad and stepmum would benefit him as much as you both.

I imagine your wife is stuck in a situation and is using the gym/work/etc as a distraction from the fact that the man she loves refuses point blank to consider IVF and refuses a weekend away on the basis that his son is not included...

I'm not sure whether your ex has a new partner or not, but if she does, I would presume that they have the occasional night/weekend away when your son is with you. Kids don't have to be involved in every little thing a couple does, biological to both or not

Oh dear OP, you really have set yourself up for a flaming on here haven’t you?

Here’s my advice - go for the IVF. You cannot truly understand the yearning to have a baby unless you’ve suffered it yourself. Yes it’s stressful, but if you don’t try your wife will be thinking for the rest of her life, what if? my husband had denied me the chance of IVF I would have left him. It wouldn’t have been IVF that would have destroyed our marriage, it would have been him telling me I couldn’t have the thing I wanted the most. Please reconsider.

And talk to your wife! Communication is very important in a marriage!

My post is missing an “If”!

I don’t think people should be suggesting the IVF.

This woman deserves a better relationship than this shit storm.

And there’s something really off with a man coming on a forum he knows his wife uses to accuse her of infidelity.

I hope she posts so she can get advice and be told she deserves way, way more than this excuse of a marriage.

BurningStar- don't be so bloody silly. Plenty of male posters here don't get a hard time, but that's because they don't act the fool.
OP is getting a hard time because of what's between his ears not his legs.

I constantly compliment her, my hands are alway on her

I'd leave you for that alone.

Surely nobody is this obtuse.....

You lost me at your hands are constantly on her!! Er yeuk!

MadMags "I don’t think people should be suggesting the IVF.

This woman deserves a better relationship than this shit storm."

That's for her to decide. Especially if he has been 'promising' that and she has spent so long in the relationship hoping for this.

"And there’s something really off with a man coming on a forum he knows his wife uses to accuse her of infidelity." I agree with that.

tobeworried sorry about your childhood.

But a weekend away might give you both the chance to relax and talk properly.

I hate to be the voice of doom and gloom but I have noticed many times in RL that by the time many men actually notice how unhappy their wives and start being afraid she's going to leave, it's usually too late anyway and she's already checked out.

How old are you / your wife? Mid 30s/ 40s....but exactly what? If you signed up for ivf, it could take 18 months to start the first round....I imagine your wife's clock is ticking louder and louder at the moment. The longer you put it off, the greater chance she's going to end up resenting you with every inch of her body when she ends up childless and too old to do anything about it.... with anybody!
And from my experience as a step-mum, approaching 40 and in the midst of ivf, your son isn't enough (sound horrible, but unfortunately it's true). It will wrench at her heart every time you say that to her.

Your ex manipulated you into having a baby with her. You should have said no and pointed her towards suitable treatment for her mental health problems. By all means you could have offered a bit of hand-holding for a couple of months to help see her on her way. Making a lifelong commitment to her, via a child, was stupid (however lovely the child, they're all lovely, that's not the point).

You ex continues to manipulate you and you behave as if you're in a relationship with her. You're at her beck and call, changing plans to suit her (her, not your son, her).

(Hint, your son would probably be happier with regular, predictable contact. Unpredictability makes it very hard to make arrangements with friends, or to develop any sense of control over ones own life - something tweens and teens need to learn how to handle. If you think his home life is unacceptable, changing his residence arrangements would be worth discussing - with your wife).

Your wife of ten years also wants a baby. She's lovely, supportive, brings all sorts of wonderful qualities to your life and the marriage and is a great step-mum to your child. But she doesn't deserve a baby (because actually, you don't want one). She has to make do, put up and shut up.

You are penalising your wife for being reasonable and lovely. Clearly the way to persuade you to do anything, is to be an emotionally unstable, selfish nightmare and guilt, trick and scream you into the other person's thrall. Your wife is not going to do that.

Were I your wife, I might well be looking out for someone else who, like me, is reasonable, lovely, generous and communicative. I might communicate my desire to settle down and have a baby, really quite soon. And I might do that.

I would think that being told that you refuse to have a child with her is more of a sign of an affair/loss of affection than the exercise. She may have just decided to improve her health in an attempt to get pregnant or because it worked better with her new job. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of women don't work outto please men.

There are so many parts of this situation you need to fix. It's not about an affair or even a potential affair; your marriage is breaking because you're constantly talking about what you want, what you think how everything affects you.

Your DW wants a child of her own. Your DS is not your DW's child no matter how much you might want it to be true. You're not prioritising your DW's needs or wants or feelings here because your own needs are being met in DS. It's selfish and ignorant in the extreme to think that your DW should be happy being step-parent to someone else's child in place of having her own. In fact I think that's the most revolting thing you've posted on here.

Your DW's need for a weekend away is trumped by you saying "DS can come too" which is madness; you're showing your DW that you're unable to prioritise her again. Your DS has plenty of time with you by the sounds of it, why shouldn't your wife sometimes have what she wants? We take weekends away every few months and it is so much fun. Do you ever show her fun? Do you see the world together?

You say your hands are all over her but you don't show emotion well and blame your poor childhood. Again, you're not putting your DW's feelings first; your poor childhood means you get to play the victim and claim "I can't help it, I had a shitty childhood" whilst she stands there being pawed and patted like a heifer. As an adult you can choose to continue playing the part of the victim or you can choose to get past it and become a better husband than your father was. Loads of people endure terrible childhoods and still manage to be in healthy, happy relationships because they choose better actions and behaviours. You're choosing the things you say and do, so you should probably drop the victim act.

Most of your sentences begin "I". That needs to become "we" and "us" and as patronising as this may sound, your marriage cannot work whilst you're dancing to the tune of your child's mother. She's an adult who needs to get on with things, not have you there bailing her out every two weeks while your DW's opinions are ignored. There's no mention of you and your DW as a team here, that's the saddest part. You're on your own, she's on her own, when do you boost one another, when do you work together? The whole point of a marriage is that you make one another better people because combined you lift one another up. It's sad to read that you and your DW are so separate.

"My hands are always on her", I actually laughed out loud at that

When you say you think she’s sexy and your hands are all over her, but you’re not good at talking about love and emotions, be aware that could come across to her like you just want to shag her primarily and are not bothered about her emotional well-being and happiness. Being ‘hot’ is not the number one goal for many, (I’d say most?!) women past the age of about 17.

I have been in a very similar situation as your wife WRT fertility issues, DH's reluctance and working with all men. Oh and of course being hot at the same time

My DH was dead against fertility treatment as he wasn't the one with the problem. His reason was "I don't see why I should have to do it" and was happy not to have DC and have loads of spare cash for holidays and stuff. He is the love of my life but his stance very nearly ended our relationship. I remember sitting opposite him at a NY dinner and looking at him thinking this isn't going to last till next NY and any love I felt had evaporated. It finally came to a head in a massive argument where he sat on he floor and cried saying he will do anything to keep me. Our fertility treatment worked on the first go. If it hadn't I doubt we would be together now due to his attitude. From the moment I was pregnant my DH was absolutely brilliant.

I've had lots of drama and trauma in my life but I'd say fertility issues are up there as one of the worst. It's like being in a dark black hole and it takes all your strength to stay sane. I did this by going to the gym for 1-2 hours 6 times a week. Your wife must be so, so miserable. Fertility only works with lots of luck and lots of support.

Your hot wife probably gets a lot of attention at work and a lot of admirable looks down the gym. Like most women, she won't go down there in sweat pants and no makeup. She will probably want to be dressed in Sweaty Betty and Stella McCartney. Some of my most expensive clothes are work out gear. She's miserable but I bet when she goes down the gym she forgets about it and has 20 year old blokes checking her out. It is probably the only time she feels good about herself.

I think you are in danger of this becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I remember having this male colleague who was from the same town as me and we had a right laugh. He was really good looking, clever and funny. I remember being massively flattered and happy when he paid me a lovely compliment. He could see I was unhappy and I had shared a few comments about my DH. He said to me "Your DH is a fucking arsehole. You are lovely. You deserve better".

At some point your wife will question why she is still with you. She may love you but see that the path she is on won't result in what she wants. I seriously think you need to man the fuck up as the status quo will result in your losing her. You need to decide now if you want a baby and if you do then you need to take steps to support her 100% in this quest. If you don't you need to tell her and let her go realise her goals with someone else. I don't think she is having an affair but if the relationship ends I think it will be your fault, sorry.