To this this could be a sign my wife is having an affair ?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

Brand new poster, I know my wife uses this so I thought I'd give it a go. Been with my wife for 10 years married 3. I adore her and to be honest have no idea how I have ended up with someone like her, stunning beautiful, smart, driven, sexy - basically everything you could want ! However recently her behaviour has changed massively. She changed jobs, to a much more male dominated sector of her industry - works in a male only office, all her clients are men. As soon as she took that role her habits changed. Took a much greater interest in health and fitness. She does not need to loose weight in the slightest. But over the space of 6 months started working out more and more, adjusting her diet, cutting back on booze. Now she works out every day with her boss, who himself is a married man. She looks amazing, however I can't help thinking this is maybe a sign of something else. We have had a hard year, trying to have a baby without any luck. The next step is IVF due to our age, which I've always said I won't do as i have seen it ruin marriages (the cost, the stress) I have a child, who lives with us part time -they have been clingy and challenging recently, which my wife can struggle with. My ex has needed extra support finically due to problems in her life, my wife hasn't always agreed with the level of help I give. She tells me the exercise help her deal with the stress of the year and wanting to look good for me. AIBU to think maybe her head has been turned at work (god knows she will turn plenty!) if this was your husband would you be concerned?

HONestly OP, if you aren't just on the wind up, I truly don't blame her for being happier getting away from you and off to work. Your ego is astronomical and you have a complete and utter lack of empathy or understanding, plus instead of seeing any issues with yourself, you jump straight to assuming she's having an affair. All in all, you sound like a pretty crappy husband.
Your child is not her child. Don't be so self absorbed and dense. She wants her own child but you won't even consider ivf, for very flimsy reasons. Time alone away isn't something unreasonable at all, she's trying so hard to spend some quality time with you and you're being, frankly, weird about bringing your son too. Of course he should come first, but not at the detriment of all else.
The last point is one which is becoming overwhelming within your posts... your wife is a person, with feelings and thoughts and emotions, and you honestly just seem to talk about how she looks and what a prize she is physically. Grow up.

This has to be a wind up.

Surely no one can read these responses and continue to post the GF selfish egotistical inane crap this OP is?

OP it's really all about you isn't it! You're truly pathetic. You have ignored everything suggested on here to consider and think about. Your poor wife, she puts up with a lot of shite from you.

You think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place ... how do you think your wife feels.

Hi OP - You're getting a hard time here because you're a man. Unfortunately that's Mumsnet for you.

You're not going to get many decent replies. You seem like a very good father but that means on MN that you're a shitty DH. However you'd be slated if you did anything less or didn't give the extra financial support to your wife. You try and describe how you show your wife affection but obviously that means you're molesting her. That's MN for you.

I can see why your wife is upset. Your son doesn't have to be involved in everything you do. Couples need breaks and to do things together as a couple. If you're also maybe changing plans you've made with her to have your son extra, that is going to grate on her too. Your ex's plans don't trump yours as a couple.

The IVF is the biggest issue. You need to understand that your wife wants children of her own, your son isn't hers and never will be or will fill that gap in her heart. I don't believe you or anyone should go through with IVF if they don't want to. MN would never condone a woman being forced into it, it should be the same for a man. Having said that, if that's how you feel you need to accept the fact that you may lose her.

I would be suspicious of anyone working out with their boss every day and getting dolled up beforehand. It isn't a good sign. If you're wife is having an affair she is wrong to do so.

You both need to talk about your issues together, maybe see a councillor and decide whether you're both still compatible or not. An affair is not the answer.

This bloke is not for real! I have seen more brain capacity and emotion in a packet of crisps.

I hope your wife does read this and realises what an absolute numb nut she married and runs, runs (in her new gym gear) far away to a man that will give her what she wants.

Your first post stressed how beautiful and sexy your wife is - loads of weird focus on appearance. Now you’re complaining that she’s putting loads of effort into her appearance for the gym, I’m guessing because you feel that she’s not doing it for you.

Well, I can tell you that I don’t put much effort into my appearance when I go out for a run because I’m flying past people so fast that they’re not going to get a chance to really see. The gym is different, you’re stuck in close proximity to others. She may be doing it for her own confidence.

You sound self absorbed. She is not the mother or your child, so may want her own. She may feel that ivf is worth the stress.

You say that having a baby should not be that hard/stressful but I think that you’re minimising the worry and stress that mothers have generally.

I hope she is realising that she’s a beautiful, smart, hard working woman and can do better than being in a relationship with someone that doesn’t tak her feelings into account.

Burning Star - he isn't getting a 'hard time' because he is a man. He is having truths pointed out because he is posting like a wazzock, male or female.

OP, my ex's hands were always on me.... I got pissed off with the groping while I was trying to cook, or when I was sorting washing, etc.

And yes, your wife could indeed but happy, but I don't believe it's going to be with you while you arrogantly dismiss her feelings and ride roughshod over her needs.

OP's wife, I left my ex after 3 decades, and it has been hard but an immense relief. Find someone who actually listens to you, and cares about your needs.

I'd pay good money for a new thread to start later today "AIBU: To have an affair with colleague so I can mentally escape from my selfish, emotional void of a DH?"

YANBU, Mrs NewThreadStarter

How do you feel Op, reading what people are saying to you?

Will you listen?

You're doing a great job of driving her away from you op. Won't be long before she decides she can do much better elsewhere and I, for one, wouldn't blame her one bit.
It's all you, you, you.

We do have a child, mine - he might not be hers by blood but I see him as our child, my ex, mine and my wife. So in some ways I can't see why that isn't enough.

So very clueless. That is your child, that she would have no low-fat rights to see if you separated.

I provide for us, she has a nice lifestyle and wants for nothing really.

Except you know she wants a baby and that can more than anything. So you don’t provide for her.

Maybe she wanted a weekend away to spend it in bed trying for a baby or just reconnecting with you?

At this point, if you’re refusing to have a child and it’s what she wants most in the world, she may be better finding someone else. You are endangering your marriage.

I always wear makeup for work, and if I went to the gym with work people I'd wear makeup to the gym. It's about keeping up appearances with colleagues. But at the gym near home I don't wear makeup.

You always put your wife last, behind your child and your ex and yourself. You think because you compliment her appearance and say "I'm lucky to be with her" that makes up for treating her with zero consideration in your daily life.

Wow so your ex threatens to kill herself unless you give her a child - so you get her pregnant.

Shes homeless and wants you to bail her out - so you do.

Meanwhile, your wife isnt even allowed a romantic weekend away with you.

If I were your wife I would be absolutely seething inside, frustrated, furious, feeling scorned. You know that saying, hell hath...?

I think her boss is the least of your worries.

Dont be surprised that whilst you're being a selfish twat worrying about how much perfume she wears to the gym, one day, out of rhe blue, you find shes decided to leave you with no discussion.

Could be in 6 months, could be in a year, but her clock is ticking and we know she's driven. She wont hang around mate.

I also feel its unbelivably cuntish to take over a forum you know she uses. Is this woman allowed nothing of her own?

To the wife of the OP if you're reading - you sound kick ass. LTB and go and have a baby with a hot and kind man who puts you first.

1: stop giving your ex anymore then your legally required to
2: stop forcing your wife to have YOUR child so much
3: you've already walked away from one marriage/child so clearly have no issues doing that so I'm not sure your issue with IVF breaking families apart, just do it, it will make her more happy then anything

Oh Bullshit he is getting these responses because he's a man. If anything, people have been restrained, considering it's AIBU. People are trying to ask him to reflect and to think about his wife's needs, and are explaining how they see things over and over again.

If you’re looking for advice here it is. Hopefully your wife has found someone or something that is giving her s level of fulfilment and happiness, whether that some other bloke or the gym no one on here can say. What you need to do is man up. Book a weekend away for just the two of you. Sit her down face to face rather than slyly trying to prod her on the internet to give everything up cos she’s been found out. . Tell her your fears. Tell her the way you have treated her you wouldn’t blame her. Tell her you love her and your son and appreciate everything she does for you both but understand her absolute need for a child of her own. Tell her that you have come up with a plan for ivf, you are going to stop bailing out a woman you haven’t lived with for over 10 years. Say you will put this money aside for ivf so you are paying as much into the ivf fund for your future child as your current one. Tell her you will be really happy for her to do the same out of her salary (you are not funding her life - I highly suspect with your patents for your son and ex she is funding yours)Tell her things are going to change. Make her feel like you would do anything to make her happy. I suspect all this might be a bit late but worth a shot if you a) want to change and b) actually love her rather than love the idea of a trophy wife.

Look, this was clearly the wrong place to post and apologies for sounding egotistical. Really I'm not, nor am I thick (thanks to whoever posted that gem) Relationships aren't easy, I guess I was just trying to explain that I don't just have me and her to think about, it's complex. I had a shit childhood, no mum and a thankless father. So don't want my boy to have that, maybe I over compensate. Bottom line is, I need more time before further investigation into fertility treatment and I will re address that in the coming months. It would kill me if she left or had an affair with one of those cock sure idiots from her work. I'm not good at showing love and emotion. (Due to my childhood) And I will tell her that when I sense I've been a bit of a knob, like it would appear recently. Sorry for everyone I have offended, but if your other halves had behaved like me. What could they do to build bridges?(apart from making an appointment at the nearest fertility clinic)

Read the post above your latest one right now.

Then read it again.

Then make bullet points of the suggestions.

Then do that. Do each and every one of that.

OP - your ex is taking the piss. You just said she needs you to have him extra, so you do. Followed by, you would like more access but ex says it wouldn’t suit his routine so you need to sort this out. Which is it? You can’t have him extra or you can? She sounds like the type to be worried she would get less maintenance if you had more regular access.
Your wife probably has the sense to see the above, hence getting irritated. She has probably explained this to you, given your track record for listening on the thread.
She wants her own child. If you are not prepared to do everything it takes to give her that, let her go to find someone that will.

You latest post is the best one, the most self reflective one. There IS hope.

And you do sound like a loving and responsible dad. But that is not your only role.

Good luck.

Listen to her.
Consider what she wants rather than what you think she wants.
Make time for her.
When she reaches out to you and wants time together, accept it gladly and don’t act like she’s selfish for wanting to be a wife rather than a step parent for a weekend.

What could they do to build bridges?

1. Ask if I was ok - you know it is really tough being a step mum, and I do a great job, how am I coping?
2. Acknowledge that his child isn't mine, and ask if I still want to look into IVF.
3. Stop referring to my colleagues, whom I clearly like, as 'cock sure idiots'.
4. INstead of constantly having your hands all over me, just say I look nice or you love me.
5. Tell your ex that we really need a firm plan for access because it's not fair on me to keep changing plans.
6. If you are going to keep giving her more money when she's skint, realise that you then don't have any grounds for moaning about lack of money.
7. Again - ask if I'm ok. Ask if there are changes I would like to see.

Not for a moment have I believed a word of this is true.

Think the last straw was Sometimes I wonder if anyone can make her happy and she has a nice lifestyle and wants for nothing really

"If your other halves had behaved like me. What could they do to build bridges?(apart from making an appointment at the nearest fertility clinic)"

• Talk to her about the fertility issue, and listen to what she has to say. She needs comfort and reassurance that this is a priority for you.
• Get better at dealing with emotions. It's not good enough to say "I had a shit childhood, so I am a cold adult". It''s something you can change. Work on it.
• Talk to her about your fears regarding adultery, and tell her you feel like you've neglected her recently and this has to change.

No offence OP but IVF for you is basically wanking in to a cup at 8am and keeping it warm for 15 minutes in your coat pocket. The other side of that decision about the whole process of IVF is not yours to make. It is hers.