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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2018 09:56

bibbidee
But there is the thing. If you can't arrange childcare and are struggling to do so, how can you arrange alternative childcare when parents want to go away?

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2018 09:59

I think stan is spot on.
You can't always take on care for a child with a disability when you are older. It's surprising just how age does affect you, and although you might look ok, things are slower and you can cope much less.

Thetreesareallgone · 10/01/2018 10:02

Asking another parent for a one-off to cover a holiday is not so much of a big deal, but trying to do this week in week out would be impossible. If more than one set of people help, then it is easier. I am asked occasionally by other parents to look after their child if they are working late, or want to go out to dinner for a special occasion, or need a lift somewhere. It's infrequent, it's reciprocal (they always do the same for me) and it's nice for the children to spend time together. That's very different than asking for regular childcare from them when they have their own children and their own working lives given the stage they are at.

Katedotness1963 · 10/01/2018 10:03

Local college notice board? You might get someone who's doing a child care course.

Check FB for a local group for other parents of autistic children?

Library notice board? Looking for help or groups advertising?

As others have said, the church notice boards.

Supermarket notice board?

I come from a small town, I'd ask a taxi driver, they know everyone and everything that's going on...

There's got to be someone in your area looking for a way to make some extra money, we just need to figure out how to find them...

ZoopDragon · 10/01/2018 10:24

YABU to think they should. They've already said they don't want to. Perhaps they find it too stressful or too much responsibility. Or they want to be free to go on holiday/take up activities when they want to, without a weekly commitment.

Can you find a childminder to cover that afternoon?

Sallystyle · 10/01/2018 10:25

I'm sorry OP, it all sounds so incredibly difficult.

I can't understand your parents, I really can't. They know it would solve all your problems but they aren't willing to do it.

I could not stand to see my child on their knees so if looking after my GC for a few hours once a week lightened their load I would do it, as long as I was fit and healthy enough to of course.

The parents could still go on holiday, unless they are people who have regular holidays throughout the year they could just give the OP plenty of warning before going.

I do not intend to do free child care for my children as a rule, but in this situation I couldn't not help you out. Sometimes I do stuff for people that I would rather not do because I love them and want to help them.

I hope things get easier for you soon OP. You are doing a fantastic job Thanks

MotheringMilly · 10/01/2018 10:31

You haven’t said why they don’t want to?

Being a parent is within reason a lifetime commitment, personally all of our friend’s parents (baring one) help with childcare and a lot really go out of their way.

Do you parents actually know you are at breaking point? There is no good hinting, you need to make it absolutely clear to them and if they still say no then that is frankly cruel. I have no idea how any parent would choose their social life over a reasonable request.

ginorwine · 10/01/2018 10:39

Can you afford a childminder ? I know it would cost but it's better than loosing your house ? Job ?

wisterialanes · 10/01/2018 10:40

this is nonsense, my mum cares 'regularly' for my children once a week, if she wants to go away we just get someone else for that week, or swop work around, even if she just wants to go to the cinema, go out with a friend or anything else. It's possible to be flexible

The OP is looking for a commitment, hence why the GP's don't want to do it. She cannot find any back up care like you can, so the arrangement for her would not be flexible. Her son has ASD so needs a stable childcare. This is why I think they have done her a favour by saying no from the outset. If they had this arrangement in place and then once a month the GP's wanted to travel/go to the cinema etc the OP will be in a predicament.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 10:53

What is wrong with OP's ex? Is he going to stand by and watch his own son lose the roof over his head? Can't he even manage a 3 hour round trip once a week for his own son? A lot of parents have to do this every day. A decent father would have had this sorted by now.

WitchesHatRim · 10/01/2018 11:17

You can't always take on care for a child with a disability when you are older. It's surprising just how age does affect you, and although you might look ok, things are slower and you can cope much less.

I agree which is why it has been asked but not sure OP has clarified, how they find looking after him.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 11:29

OP, your ds has a father, step mum, gp's on that side, possibly aunts and uncles? But none of them can do a 3 hour round trip for their vulnerable son/grandchild/nephew just once a week to help him keep his home? Disgusting, I feel for youFlowers

Rainbowmother · 10/01/2018 11:42

I think you'd be happier if they could just explain WHY they don't want that as a commitment while committed to other things.

Very frustrating but you can't make them want to

BelfortGabbz · 10/01/2018 11:51

It would be interesting to hear the GP's side of the story. We haven't a clue why they won't commit. Maybe they have very valid reasons.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 11:59

Maybe DS's own dad could explain why he and his side of the family can't commit, for one afternoon a week?

Barmymammy · 10/01/2018 12:02

BelfortGabbz

Good post! There good be any number of reasons, for all we know. Some grandparents may find it incredibly hard relating to their grandchildren and knowing how to be with them.

Some might find grandchildren completely exhausting. It's easy to forget that your parents are a long way from having to look after children and that they are old.

Some grandparents don't keep so well but don't like to go on about it.

Some may not sleep well and the only way they cope is by having an afternoon nap.

Some may feel burnt out from raising their own children and are enjoying devoting the rest of their lives to themselves and their own interests.

Whatever it is, there is no obligation and no one should feel annoyed if they choose not to offer baby sitting services.

apostropheuse · 10/01/2018 12:08

I'm a granny and work full time, which can be exhausting due to chronic health conditions. Like many others, I have to work to pay the mortgage. I really need my downtime to rest and make sure I can carry on working. I do go on holidays, but that's not exhausting. I pay for holidays for the grandchildren too and contribute to Santa's gifts, as well as giving gifts they know are from me. I help with buying school uniforms and other clothes etc. So, while I simply can't provide regular childcare I do offer support in other ways.

I am more than willing to look after grandchildren occasionally, to allow their parents time off etc. but couldn't commit regularly - even at weekends or evenings - and I wouldn't want to.

When I eventually retire, hopefully at 68 - in 12 years time, my grandchildren will be older and so I won't be needed in that way. I have to say I'm glad of that.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 12:08

Yet again, a father gets out of his parenting responsibility. Can't even manage a 3 hour round trip once a week, for his own son?

Thursdaydreaming · 10/01/2018 12:37

Exactly bubbaleo, but he just "can't" and that's apparently fine. He is the father!

But if grandma can't, well that isn't fine. No surprise the blame and responsibility has fallen on a woman.

WaitingForEgg · 10/01/2018 12:45

What about a professional/family willing to do shared care? So if a school friend goes to a childminder/babysitter/nanny would they be willing to have your son one afternoon a week? I do feel for you. We have no family nearby so all childcare is paid for.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 12:50

Yes, Thursday, thank you. OP, you should explain to ex that if ds loses his home, he may have to move in with him full time. Bet that will encourage him to make a once weekly 3 hour round trip! Please try to remember, your parents have 0% responsibility and ex has 50%. I don't like the grandparent bashing, whilst ds's own father appears to be exempt from ensuring childcare for his own son.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 12:50

Sorry if it’s already been suggested, but how about an au pair? I think an older child with need of only the odd bit of childcare here and there would be quite a good prospect for an au pair, depending on op’s accommodation.

Obviously the exp or his family should be doing more, but if they all refuse, then I don’t see what the op can do to make any of them help. It’s utterly shit for op. Not the gps’ fault, it’s just a terrible situation.

TabbyMumz · 10/01/2018 12:54

I agree with Bubbaleo... Grandparents have 0% responsibility. Totally not fair if you bashing them. Go find a childminder for a day like most people would or chase the Father down to fulfill his responsibility. Make him pay for childminder.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 12:56

It is utterly shit for OP, I agree. But totally unfair to blame gp's, as if ds has no father!

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 12:58

Also, why are the gp's expected to explain themselves but not the dad, apart from he "can't"?