Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2018 08:13

Yes if they have provided childcare in the past maybe they feel they have helped and it got more and more onerous.

My friends husband is a church warden and he is paid for it. I wondered why he was so committed to it, it was his job when retired!

Thetreesareallgone · 10/01/2018 08:14

Every single week of the year would mean that they could never travel for more than a few days at a time- this is nonsense, my mum cares 'regularly' for my children once a week, if she wants to go away we just get someone else for that week, or swop work around, even if she just wants to go to the cinema, go out with a friend or anything else. It's possible to be flexible, but it's a huge help to have one day a week you know care is being provided- and the children look forward to 'Granny's Day' as they know it's more fun that day!

BertrandRussell · 10/01/2018 08:18

It's bizarre that Mumsnet is famous for people being told it's absolutely fine not to commit to any sort of favour for anyone - even a 10 minute lift to Brownies- but the OP's parents are being castigated for not wanting to commit to regular 5 hours childcare a week (minimum-the OP works in a job where she might well be kept late).........

zzzzz · 10/01/2018 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetreesareallgone · 10/01/2018 08:29

It's also bizarre that if you ask mumsnetters what is the most important thing in your life, they say 'my children, absolutely, I'd do anything for them' and would carry them out of a burning building first trampling on their husband to do so, but can't find it in their heart to help out their daughter once a week with a child with special needs to enable her to work and keep a roof over her head!

It doesn't all make sense, I do agree.

Then again, I take children to Brownies/Guides and the mums I know reciprocate, so what do I know?!

echt · 10/01/2018 08:34

It's also bizarre that if you ask mumsnetters what is the most important thing in your life, they say 'my children, absolutely, I'd do anything for them' and would carry them out of a burning building first trampling on their husband to do so, but can't find it in their heart to help out their daughter once a week with a child with special needs to enable her to work and keep a roof over her head!

What does that have to do with anything? You can't conflate what imaginary MNers might say with the OP's parents' situation.

GingerbreadMa · 10/01/2018 08:35

I wonder if any of the people saying "just hire someone" have ever actually trawled childcare.co.uk themselves?

I contacted dozens of nannies. All either:
Were looking for full time jobs and were planning to take part time work "for now" but keep looking and quit once they found a full time position
Or
Already had a full time position but had a half day off on friday and only wanted very specific hours to fill the gaps in their main job
Or
Were part time "with own child" nannies who wanted a charge that would fit around their life/routine (and be finished by dinner time!)

They all prioritised full time positions which is fair enough

Or they were "sitters" who wanted now and again work for extra cash, but only when it suited them

UnitedKungdom · 10/01/2018 08:55

Ginger I found someone to do a 5hr regular thing every week easily. I had to start saying no to applicants after about 10 and the majority were either nursery workers looking for additional income or older women who had raised their own kids and wanted a bit of money and something to do.

NerrSnerr · 10/01/2018 08:56

So many people making up in their own heads what the OP’s parents are thinking. We don’t know the reason why they have chosen not to do the childcare. How can people judge/ comment without the full story?

People are not ‘haters’ for having a different opinion.

echt · 10/01/2018 09:02

You beat me to it, NerrSnerr.

The "haters" comments got me going over the thread to find only posters who did not wholeheartedly support the OP. The only hateful comments I have seen are those beady-eyed posts saying that parents such as the OP's should kiss any support in their old age goodbye. I paraphrase.

GingerbreadMa · 10/01/2018 09:02

Well Im glad for you United
But I live in a big town yet failed to find reliable weekly part time care. I spent a lot of time looking.
Its not always there.

KERALA1 · 10/01/2018 09:07

This board can be ridiculously hard op am not sure many of the critical posters have any idea of what it's like in your position.

I think it's shocking that they won't help. Have also found sometimes the most loudly religious types the least likely to actually help. Never forget an evangelical Christian wedding where we guests were ranted at and told we were going to hell by the vicar. The couple asked if guests could stay and help clear up at end of the wedding as on a budget. When I looked round at my fellow midnight chair stackers only ones there were us ungodly heathens the evangelicals had all buggered off to go clubbing.

80sMum · 10/01/2018 09:14

There seems to be an assumption, and I have made this same error myself when younger, that a retired person has loads of free time simply because they are retired.

In my more recent experience this is rarely the case for younger/fitter retirees. When people retire from paid work, they don't just sit around all day twiddling their thumbs, watching daytime TV or doing nothing!

All the retired people that I know are actually quite busy. Most do voluntary work of some sort; many have taken up courses of academic study or are learning a new practical skill.

Retirement is often the first opportunity many of us have to finally take up that hobby, learn that new skill, join that exercise class, give something back to the community through volunteering etc. Add to that the need for frequent visits to elderly, often housebound, parents and the practical care, shopping, maybe cleaning that needs to be done for them.

There is often very little spare time left over - and just like younger people, retired people value their spare time and look forward to the chance to relax.

I think it's a shame if grandparents don't want to have anything to do with their grandchildren - although I do think that's probably pretty rare. But I don't think that grandparents should feel obliged to make a regular commitment to childcare. Personally, I love my grandchildren dearly - BUT I find having sole charge of them for anything longer than a couple of hours is pretty tiring. I am happy to babysit from time to time but that's it. I most definitely wouldn't want to make a binding commitment to do childcare regularly!

I'm not yet retired, by the way. But this is just how I see it.

Ilovecamping · 10/01/2018 09:14

I look after my grandson 1 day a week from choice, but I can't commit to anymore because I work part time and also have my own life. I will help at other times if it doesn't impact on my life. That is not being selfish. I love my family and will do what I can for them but I also have to look after myself.
Is it possible to ask your parents for help in finding childcare, to involve them, without them feeling they have to commit.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 09:26

Tbh, the position the op finds herself in scares the life out of me, as I have one dc, another on the way, my mum is dead and my dad works full time in another country. If I ended up a single mum in desperate need of childcare, I would be utterly fucked!

Anyway, tbh, I don’t get why the op’s parents don’t want to help we out in such a desperate situation. I do get it when gps don’t want to commit to regular childcare, but surely when it’s this or their dd loses her house? Yikes.

Favouriteworstnightmare · 10/01/2018 09:33

Hi there,
It may be worth while checking to see if your local authority have got a family information service, they can be really helpful in having contacts for childcare - ad hoc or otherwise.

I hope you find an answer soon X

Pearlsaringer · 10/01/2018 09:36

I know someone who regularly (as in committed time) looks after their DGC. They love them dearly but find it exhausting. It causes friction between DGF and DGM (DGF is less keen on the idea than DGM), and it’s expensive as the DGP are funding food and entertainment out of their own pocket at a time when they are on a reduced income. On top of that they have to deal with the DC’s mother getting huffy if they want to change the arrangement for any reason.

Faced with this, I wouldn’t do it either.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/01/2018 09:38

RE childcare - for me when I was doing frequent hospital shifts I put an advert in the newsagent in town - it's a small town- with my mobile number but not whole name, and people called me and I arranged to interview them. I was lucky with a retired women who had worked in schools and volunteered with disabled children. She used to come to fill the gaps I wasn't there, get simple food together, empty dishwasher or put washing on. Xx

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2018 09:41

thetrees
You can't always swop work around.
I work for the nhs and once my rota is fixed, it's set.

GingerbreadMa · 10/01/2018 09:42

It may be worth while checking to see if your local authority have got a family information service, they can be really helpful in having contacts for childcare

I've had that. It was basically a list of phone numbers. Some plain didnt work, some were angry because they werent childminding any more and had asked for their number to be taken off the list. All of the remainders were full bar 1 who lived nearly an hour away and was awful.

The OP has SAID she has looked in the usual places..

TheHolidayArmadillo · 10/01/2018 09:45

The fact that the grandparents help out in a church isn't really relevant. Church warden duties and childcare are in no way comparable activities.

If they were running a Scout group, that might be comparable.

Aintgotnosoapbox · 10/01/2018 09:46

Should have added, she picked him up from school also. A mother's help/ housekeeper part time. I did try online childcare services too, and had some good applicants but I preferred this older lady who was flexible.

BackInTheRoom · 10/01/2018 09:52

@IndependentMum

YANBU

Your Parents could offer to have him on a 'see how it goes' basis, week to week, no pressure.

Your parents could still go on holiday if they looked after him, by giving you advance warning and you could make alternative childcare arrangements.

Thing is they don't want to and that's tight.

No other suggestions but You are amazing op. Thanks

kateandme · 10/01/2018 09:52

have you aksed round work.or do you have a notice board in ur paremedic nurses office.you might be surprised how may nurses are in the same position perhaps you could help eachother out?
or is there some sort of cresh system in ur hospital.or I no this is big but could you start something.in ur area and hospital could you start a care/sitting system.i cant think that if you are feeling this other single parents wont be too.and they might be sitting there struggling just as hard with it.
talking of churches,are you s church goer?would they no of anyone or any way to help.
if this is going to be a make or break.could you write a letter to your parents.being as honest as you have on here.really laying down the lhe sitatuion you are in and if there is anyway you could make this work for eachother.be honest,be mindful of their emotion s but let them hear yours too.you never no.if its the last option what do you have to lose and being able to sit and read it might help them see how it is without sitting in a room letting emotions and irritations flare.

Stanislas · 10/01/2018 09:55

I'm a gran who has done regular childcare for the Dgc. I volunteer for the church. I've dropped everything and gone to help when needed and financially we give about £200 each month to hel p with paid childcare which I know is not much these days. But in my 70s a regular commitment is not easy as basic tasks have become tedious chores. Op does not say if her son has to be collected from school- driving in the dusk for me is worse than the dark and returned home in the dark. Nor does she say how easy her son is to manage if he has a meltdown. A toddler in meltdown can be picked upd an hugged. My 8,10 and12 year Dgc are as big as I am. May I add that with both DH and me working we found people in the hospital very helpful with child care to supplement income.