To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

[IndependentMum]

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP, my heart goes out to you because you are in a really tough situation. But I think you are focusing your anger on the wrong people. Your ex won't take care of your kid, the response is "ah well". Grandma won't take care of the kid and the response is anger and SIBU. I know you can't make him do anything, but why does the responsibility fall on her? Imagine GPs lived abroad or were dead - a common scenario. What would you do then?

Why can't the ex look after his own son one afternoon a week, to keep a roof over his own son's head? Don't get why it comes down to the grandparents?

YANBU

Your parents are BU, op, not you.

It seems very mean & selfish of them from where I'm standing. For me the whole Christian, working for the church thing whilst turning their back on their DD & DGS issue would compound my frustration & upset.

Telling you that you are amazing won't help, but I think you are.

Here's why:

Being a single parent is extremely tough.

Heap on your the stresses of your job.

People don't realise that a mixture of day & night shifts is much more exhausting (physically & mentally) than doing either night shifts or day shifts.

Your son has additional needs.....

To all the haters - I'd love to see how many of you could spend a week in the OP's shoes.

I would approach the church. Do they have a church newsletter or magazine for notices? I would put a request in, worded very carefully eg.

A single parent in the parish is struggling to cope with work commitments and childcare for her 11 year old son with autism. In return for ......(eg running errands/an afternoon of HW per week/an evening meal being cooked,) she wonders if there is anyone who could offer support to her from the hours of ......one day a week.

This might be a ridiculous idea, I don't know.

Maybe your best bet is to advertise at the local college for people doing childcare courses as other Pps have said.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

Tbh I don't think I'd want to take on the commitment as a retired person- there goes any chance of taking a holiday more then a few days, even if you get horribly sick (which a lot of older people do) you still have to do it, you have to plan your entire life around someone else all over again. Adhoc babysitting sure but I won't the commitment of you HAVE to do x day

Op I’m sorry sounds hell, you’ve done amazingly well to cope for this long. I often find Christians to be the most ‘unchristian’ of people. I would help out a friend with one afternoon a week childcare, let alone my own child! Am really looking forward to helping my DC with their children when the time comes. I really don’t get this mindset among the baby boomers. Certainly previous generations all mucked in with child rearing. I guess they are all too busy with endless holidays and cruises.

have the child for 4 or 5 hours once a week. It's not a big commitment

It really is. Every single week of the year would mean that they could never travel for more than a few days at a time. It would be great if they were willing to do it but it is much better that they are honest from the outset. I know lots of people who give free childcare for dgc and many of them love them dearly but they are tired and at times resentful. There seems to be a massive expectation nowadays that once you retire you should be "helping out your dc" by having their children. Many times I have read on here "MIL won't do any overnights because she takes dc 2 days per week [sadface]"

Do you have a university near you? You might find someone on a psychology or child development type course who is able to help for a small payment, the advantage of these courses is they may have experience or knowledge of autism and it would be good experience for them if it fits around lectures etc... worth contacting the careers dept to ask to advertise with them or to get contacts to ask students?

OP I am a grandmother who collects from school once a week and looks after two of my grandchildren, they stay for tea, do homework, have a bath and when their mum, my ex daughter in law collects them they are in their pyjamas and she goes home with her own tea ready to be reheated. Do I think my son should have them, he does on his days off, he too needs to work and provide for them.
I am also disabled and suffer from a condition that sees me frequently waiting for an emergency ambulance to take me to a hospital in the next city, I know how hard you work and that people like me rely on the lifesaving skills of paramedics on a regular basis.
I think your parents should be ashamed, I would do anything for my family and what you're asking is very little.
Please ignore the people who are saying that you ex should have him, if he works and lives an hour and a half away that's not possible.
Ignore the cruel comments and focus on the really good suggestions that have been put forward, contacting the local college, parish church and I would add to that the local WI and contact Sure Start and a charity called Rainbows who help families with children with special needs.
Stay on this thread for support please, you have people here who care about you and what you sacrifice for people like me.

I came to say YABU and your parents are entitled to say no to regular childcare.....
But I think there is a bit of a sliding scale here.Reading your last post it sounds as if you are at your wits end.It must be hurtful that you feel so desperate and are contemplating a situation when you can't work with the mortgage implications etc,but your parents won't help,for what is actually a relatively shirt time.
Are they still working,or retired? I can't see that as a parent I would want to see my adult child struggle so much if I could help.Yes,you chose to have a child,but I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect some support from your parents.
"I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason,but from the people who love you I don't think YABU to hope for more.

I came to say YABU and your parents are entitled to say no to regular childcare.....
But I think there is a bit of a sliding scale here.Reading your last post it sounds as if you are at your wits end.It must be hurtful that you feel so desperate and are contemplating a situation when you can't work with the mortgage implications etc,but your parents won't help,for what is actually a relatively shirt time.
Are they still working,or retired? I can't see that as a parent I would want to see my adult child struggle so much if I could help.Yes,you chose to have a child,but I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect some support from your parents.
"I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason,but from the people who love you I don't think YABU to hope for more.

I think you are getting an incredibly hard time on here OP . I can understand your frustration and sadness at your parents refusal to help you when your back is against the wall .
I think those that have suggested contacting local nurseries / colleges for people who might be able to offer babysitting is probably your best option . Not sure where you live , but friends who did their child nurse training in cities used to supplement their bursaries by babysitting , possibly another avenue to explore ?
If you do set days , how about a notice in your local hospital asking for another staff member to do a reciprocal arrangement , not sure if that is something you would feel able to do ?
If I lived locally to you , I would be happy to help , I have been in a similar situation and it really does exhaust you , the constant worry about childcare on top of everything else .

I think you are getting an incredibly hard time on here OP . I can understand your frustration and sadness at your parents refusal to help you when your back is against the wall .
I think those that have suggested contacting local nurseries / colleges for people who might be able to offer babysitting is probably your best option . Not sure where you live , but friends who did their child nurse training in cities used to supplement their bursaries by babysitting , possibly another avenue to explore ?
If you do set days , how about a notice in your local hospital asking for another staff member to do a reciprocal arrangement , not sure if that is something you would feel able to do ?
If I lived locally to you , I would be happy to help , I have been in a similar situation and it really does exhaust you , the constant worry about childcare on top of everything else .

can you speak to the church your parents attend? Not naming names but just see if they offer anything, our local church doesn’t just have Sunday school, they also have afternoon and evening “play days”?

I think you are getting an incredibly hard time on here OP . I can understand your frustration and sadness at your parents refusal to help you when your back is against the wall .
I think those that have suggested contacting local nurseries / colleges for people who might be able to offer babysitting is probably your best option . Not sure where you live , but friends who did their child nurse training in cities used to supplement their bursaries by babysitting , possibly another avenue to explore ?
If you do set days , how about a notice in your local hospital asking for another staff member to do a reciprocal arrangement , not sure if that is something you would feel able to do ?
If I lived locally to you , I would be happy to help , I have been in a similar situation and it really does exhaust you , the constant worry about childcare on top of everything else .

I think you are getting an incredibly hard time on here OP . I can understand your frustration and sadness at your parents refusal to help you when your back is against the wall .
I think those that have suggested contacting local nurseries / colleges for people who might be able to offer babysitting is probably your best option . Not sure where you live , but friends who did their child nurse training in cities used to supplement their bursaries by babysitting , possibly another avenue to explore ?
If you do set days , how about a notice in your local hospital asking for another staff member to do a reciprocal arrangement , not sure if that is something you would feel able to do ?
If I lived locally to you , I would be happy to help , I have been in a similar situation and it really does exhaust you , the constant worry about childcare on top of everything else .

i wouldnt approach your parents church,i fear that will cause a huge problem between you and them and will not want their private lifes talked about

Have you sat down with them and specifically told them exactly what you need and asked them if they can help you? Maybe they are worried about managing your son's additional needs-maybe they are worried that the pressures of your work might mean them having him for longer than they feel able. Maybe they just don't feel they have the energy to take on a regular commitment.Or maybe they are selfish arseholes. But until you have the conversation in absolutely clear, unequivocal terms you can't know.

Oooops

But "arranging cover" isn't easy. I know people who guilt trip their parents so much they never are able to get away. The cover never happens.
I think you are better looking to change jobs really, that's what I did.
Not all GP live close anyway - if my DD had a child I would have to take two trains each way for each day babysitting. It would take about three hours journey. Not really doable. And I still have my own school run to do!

What about your pils?

I would be angry too op. My dsis (doesn't work) and parents were unable to commit to anything regular when ds was born, but I see a lot of other parents around me who get regular support from grandparents. In the end I saw their side of things, it's a regular commitment after all. If I had been desperate and had no other options I feel sure they'd have stepped in though. But in your case your parents sound extremely uncharitable, given that you're struggling so much. It's a completely different set of circumstances.

It does seem like such a simple request that I do wonder if there is some back history.

You mentioned near the start that GPs had covered night shifts in the past, so perhaps the refusal to offer childcare in what appears to be a fairly limited capacity stems not from the request itself, but from high levels of childcare provided in the past and perhaps they have just decided to have a line in the sand where they aren't required to be involved.

I really feel for you IndependentMum. This does seem unbelievably unfeeling of your parents to refuse to do this. I have been refused help by my own parents (different situation, one off emergency care needed). I've never got over it. I dread that I would ever feel so detached from my children that I wouldn't want to do something to help.

Church warden duties are onerous and take up a lot of time and energy and can't always be delegated, so I have some sympathy with them on that score but it's still a dreadful kick in the teeth to be knocked back the way you have been.

Are you sure they understand the implications of their refusal? Retired people can lose the plot with the working world very quickly IME so the point might have been partially lost on them. Do you have any kind of supportive relationship outside of practical help (e.g. meeting up socially ever, chatting on the phone). They used to help with some childcare- ironically more than you're asking for now - so what's changed?

I suppose there is the possibility that one or both of them is developing a health condition that stops them taking on anything new - if they are starting to have problems with memory and unfamiliar environments then they might be able to keep up church duties they've been doing for donkeys years but not take on something new. If that were the case it would be hard for you but at least you wouldn't feel so personally rejected. Do they drink in the evenings? Could this have become problematic? (This is the case with my parents which is why I mention it. When we visit them now they won't leave the house to walk with us. They'd rather stay in and drink)

In terms of your relationship with your parents going forward the best thing is if you can talk to them again. Do they really understand how close you are to going under? If hey can't provide this care can they give you moral support? If they can't do that can they help practically, either with money or contacts to help you find a solution? If they can't or won't do anything why not? At the very rock bottom you need to know that or your relationship will suffer a huge and permanent fracture and unless they have serious serious health problems that is basically their fault and it feels pretty unforgivable to me.

I hope you can find a way forward. We need experienced and skilled people to stay IN their public sector roles!

Have you tried local Facebook groups. There’s always adverts on mine for people wanting or offering ad hoc childcare or regular childcare with unusual hours.