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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
Megs4x3 · 10/01/2018 12:59

You are not being unreasonable to ask. Heck, the government told women junior doctors that they could/should ask grandparents for childcare when their contracts changed. But they are not obliged to agree and are not being unreasonable for saying no. The older generation is in a bind in many ways. If you believe all the government tells us they are supposed to provide childcare for grandchildren, care for ageing parents, work full-time until 66 or older, help their children get on the housing ladder, pay for their own elder care - the list is endless. Oh and put up with the younger generation being resentful for the fact that there are fewer opportunities for younger oeople these days. :-) It gets silly. Believe me, when you get to their age you might well welcome some child free weeks, months, years with no commitment.

swingofthings · 10/01/2018 13:03

I was a single working mum for my kids for years (and really still am now in a new relationship) so I know how hard it is and how desperate you feel for any help.

I am starting to count the years towards retirement and sometimes think about how I imagine it to be. On one hand, I see myself the stereotypical granny who gets to do with my grandchildren all the things I missed out with my kids for lack of time/energy, things I did because I felt I had to rather than because I wanted to. I imagine building a relationship with them that my kids never built with any of their grand parents because they were not prepared to commit to being a regular part of their lives.

But then I also think of all those years of working and how I can't wait to be commitment free, do what I want when I want and more importantly go and travel the world and how I will have deserved to do things for me rather than than anyone else.

Who knows what it will be, still some way to go, but totally understand the position of the grandparents and I don't think it's fair at all to hold it against them.

Jaxhog · 10/01/2018 13:05

Although it would be nice, they aren't obliged to help you. Perhaps they like to be uncommitted in the afternoon, or are afraid that 1 afternoon will turn into 2 or 3 or even 4 afternoons.

They already have commitments - and a life of their own. You can't criticise them for this!

And talking to their Minister would be outrageous. That would be shaming them into helping you. Not a good way to get their help.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 13:07

Yes, I would rather hold it against the father who "can't" childcare one afternoon a week.

Jaxhog · 10/01/2018 13:12

Could you ask your DPs to have him for 3 months to give you more time to find an alternative? Maybe the problem is that you're asking for an open ended deal?

deptfordgirl · 10/01/2018 13:12

I think you should make your dc's dad do his responsibility as a father rather than relying on your parents. They have no obligation to be regular childcare for you and it's unfair that you are angry with them because of it.

Pibplob · 10/01/2018 13:18

I don't think you are BU. Not at all. Your parents can see you are struggling and you are only asking for a few hours help once a week while you work. Unless there's something you don't know they are being very U.

Try your local Facebook mums page. People ask for recommendations on ours for babysitters all the time and lots of people are always interested. Hope you get sorted.

OVienna · 10/01/2018 13:21

What is 'the afternoon?'

Apologies if I've missed this but there is a big difference between a 2-4 pm slot and 12-6 pm. What is 'the afternoon' to one person can easily feel like nearly a full day to another.

You also mentioned that they've helped you out in the nights before. What sort of time commitment did this involve?

I think what I am finding difficult in judging their response is it sounds like they have provided assistance in the past but it's not clear to me how much and whether that evolved over time to perhaps a much bigger commitment than they were anticipating.

Regardless of the past or how much time you are thinking of now, I suspect this could be part of their reservation - if they agree to this, where will things go from there? Is there an end point? Are you able to say - I need this help for the next six months then I have x solution which doesn't involve you.

There are certainly some grandparents happy to do on-going childcare but others aren't for whatever reason, reasonable or unreasonable. They may well feel like they are giving you a blank cheque.

If you've told them your ex won't help as way of encouraging them to help you, this may have actually backfired as a strategy. They may be thinking - if WE do this the ex DH may feel he can check out even more, as we'll always be there.

I really strongly believe that it is not as simple as prioritising their social life with the church. These are two unrelated things tbh and I wouldn't also raise that with them either, sort of suggesting they are only entitled to outside interests after they've sorted out your needs.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I think to get the outcome you are hoping here you need to be honest with yourself and ask how you are coming across to them.

Unfinishedkitchen · 10/01/2018 13:37

Unfortunately they’re under no obligation to help you out. However, I guess it frees you from any guilt in refusing to help them when they’re old.

marywasneeavirgin · 10/01/2018 13:45

I've not rtft but perhaps,your parents feel they wouldn't cope with your dc.

fuzzyfozzy · 10/01/2018 13:50

Would your parents pick him up from after school club and take him to Your Home for a few hours?
If not have you got in touch with your family information service at your local council, they may be able to help.

LineysRunt · 10/01/2018 14:51

The OP has left the thread. Don't blame her. Slow hand clap to all those who kicked a woman when she was down.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 14:54

Fuzzy, why can't ex pick his son up from after school club and take him to OP's home for a few hours?

HopefulForToday · 10/01/2018 15:02

It would be interesting to hear the GP's side of the story. We haven't a clue why they won't commit. Maybe they have very valid reasons

They don't need 'valid' reasons though.

I have 3 dc and fully intend never to provide regular childcare for their dc.

I will always help out, will always be there for advice, financial help, ad hoc babysitting or one off childcare in an emergency.

But I'm NOT going to commit myself to regular childcare responsibilities for another X years once my time is done.

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 15:04

Slow hand clap to all the grandparent bashing when ds actually has a father!

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 15:16

Why aren't you asking the 'valid reasons' of the father, Belfort?

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 15:23

Well Hooefol, according to some entitled posters on this thread, in making that decision don't expect any help from your dc when you are elderly. How immature and over entitled of some people!

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 15:24

Sorry, that should read Hopeful

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2018 15:25

The OP has left the thread. Don't blame her. Slow hand clap to all those who kicked a woman when she was down.

Firstly you have no idea if they have left the thread. They could be, you know, working.

Secondly people who don't think the GP should be expected to help have every right to say so

LineysRunt · 10/01/2018 15:33

She said she was leaving, and why.

C4rollinandventing · 10/01/2018 15:38

The father lives one and a half hours away, he also works - if he has a 9-5 job then he wouldn't even make it for the end of an after school club.

As for grandparents not being able to go away or sudden illness it is perfectly possible to have emergency cover in place. We manage to go on term time holidays and I have frequent hospital admissions, we have a first, second and third person on call, two of them are other mums at the school so even if I simply don't turn up because I've fallen asleep (it's happened once) DGC will go home with someone they know and be safe.

GingerbreadMa · 10/01/2018 15:39

There are alternate threads where school mums who DO ask for childcare are bashed and OPs are advised to never ever do school gate favours and people who ask at the school gate for help are users/takers/cheeky/piss takers

I still dont think this is on the GPs and dont think they are UR

But some of the "suggestions" on here are bloody laughable! And Im guessing a lot of these posts are from parents of babies/preschoolers who dont actually have any experience of looking for childcare for OLDER children (spoiler: for the most part its non existant!)

Bubbaleo · 10/01/2018 15:51

C4 If the dad is working at time of school pick up, then he'll have to think of something else then, won't he?

BackInTheRoom · 10/01/2018 18:16

@Bubbaleo

C4 If the dad is working at time of school pick up, then he'll have to think of something else then, won't he?

Yeah I'm sure the OP never thought of this?!

I'm sure the OP had to negotiate that her ex saw more of his son over a weekend at one point so I very much doubt her ex is going to drive all that way, midweek. Hmm

Rainbunny · 10/01/2018 20:26

Well of course your parents are not unreasonable to not want to provide regular childcare technically speaking but your circumstances do seem very tough and I can't believe they so easily sit back and watch you struggle. The only possible explanation I can think of is that perhaps they find your DS challenging to care for?

Once again they don't have to do this but it would certainly impact my willingness to support them when they get older and need caring for themselves.