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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how the hell single parents...

272 replies

HonestTeacher · 09/01/2018 18:51

look after their children when they are feeling ill them self?

I have awful sickness bug and cannot even look after myself. DP has to do everything for me. Got me wondering what I would do if I was a single parent and had to look after children whilst being this ill. Single parents, how do you manage to look aftef your children when you are also ill?! You are truly superheroes.

OP posts:
debbs77 · 10/01/2018 19:36

School runs with a sick bowl. Luckily my youngest two were both in nursery and I park out the front so could usher them in to the staff. If it happened now it would be tricky as my second youngest is at school and needs walking in to the playground from the car. Though I guess a friend could help me

Avocadoicecream · 10/01/2018 19:37

This is one of the main reasons I moved 200 miles away from my child’s father, after we’d broken up, to be in the same town as my family and friends. It is scary as hell having no back up.

My child got proper flu, then I got the flu, fever and felt like death. I was still living near my Ex - phoned him saying I absolutely could not cope and child was still ill and could he take over. He refused as he ‘had plans’ and I spent two days worried sick about the basic feeding and looking after my two year old sick child - whilst being so bad I had to crawl out of bed.

I thought ‘never again’. I moved the 200 miles and even though I am very resourceful and self contained, just having people I can depend on gives my child security.

My Ex has been mean, nasty and vindictive about me moving ever since, and worn it like a woe is my badge of honor and how it stops him being a father. But the reality is some of us really are single parents, not co parents, there is not a caring co parent to back us up - which is probably why we left the selfish men in the first place.

musketeers123 · 10/01/2018 19:42

Thank you OP ♥️♥️♥️
Yes I am one of the Single Parents out there x
I did not choose to becone a SP at 40 (was with my children's dad for 19 years).
As previous posts, you don't have a choice, but sometimes, after a busy day at work, would LOVE to have a meal cooked for me, or even a cup of tea.
I am however VERY grateful that I have my DS & DD with me (no contact with dad).
Even things like driving - would make a change not to hv to drive everywhere myself.
I am lucky to have a good support network of family & friends. Probably more support than some of my married/co-habitating friends have !
Any situation can be compared but thank you for thinking of others xxx

cafeaulaitpourvous · 10/01/2018 19:43

I had spinal surgery and ended up in a fixed neck brace.

Discharged home to a 12 yr old and an 8 yr old with SEN and type one diabetes

Looking back I think it was a bit daft

Got on with it ..... like I had done for years

Shudder

ClaryFray · 10/01/2018 19:44

You have no choice that's how.

He still needs breakfast, lunch and dinner. Still needs dripping off at school and picking up.

Occasionally my mum helps. But mostly it's my job. No one else is gonna do it :)

Avocadoicecream · 10/01/2018 19:47

Oh and meant to say thank you OP too. It is really nice to be thought of and admired as a single parent. It does help! Star

It is also inspiring to me to read about all the other single parents and the resilience everyone finds within themselves and their children.

I’m much stronger within myself and notice that in other single parents, there’s a robustness that stays with you forever.

Babess · 10/01/2018 19:53

Lol... yeah totally agree with you.

megletthesecond · 10/01/2018 19:54

Come to think of it this is why I'm so germ-phobic and a hypochondriac. I cannot risk being ill anymore.

It's a pain when I have an aesthetic though, my mum has to stay for a day in case I keel over. Hospital have read me the riot act on that one. Post anaesthetic is my only decent nights sleep these days too Hmm.

RockPaperCut · 10/01/2018 20:00

Theres an assumption that because you have a DP you get lots of extra support, certainly wasn’t the case for me. STBXH was completely useless with illness, mine and the children’s.

Traumatic assisted birth, gave birth on a Friday, went home on a Sunday, he was back at work on Monday. Infection which led to a hospital stay 7 days later, he still refused to take time off work. Even with flu, chest infection and food poisoning, I still got up in the night, fed the dc, took them to school/ nursery etc.

Life is easier now in many ways.

IsabellaTruffle · 10/01/2018 20:05

Rock I agree. My ex was useless too, I organised everything, did all the cooking cleaning childcare. He had no sympathy for anyone else so would never have let me rest in bed with cups of tea or "looked after" me. Financially my life is harder now obviously and I miss "sharing" my life with someone but day to day it is a lot easier without the extra "child" to cook and clean up after!

JosieJasper · 10/01/2018 20:14

Feckbugger. It depends who you are comparing to really. Not all single parents are completely alone, they have parents around to help, siblings and friends that will help. My DH is sometimes away for a week at a time too so it can be a similar situation but obviously there are many people in a worse situation especially if finances are also an issue as someone has mentioned in an earlier post, that part hasn't been an issue for me which I'm grateful for.

PirateMother · 10/01/2018 20:16

Not just single parents either. Anyone who’s DP works away is in the same situation.

Clairaloulou · 10/01/2018 20:17

With great difficulty. I have heart failure. My son doesn’t see his dad, and I have no close family. It’s shit.

TowerRavenSeven · 10/01/2018 20:18

I'm not a single mum but with a full time working husband. When I was a stay at home mum and ds was sick I just had to suck it up. I had no relatives or friends to help and it was hard but I did it. I don't think it has anything to do if you are single or not.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 10/01/2018 20:28

I find it generally much easier without my ex. He sometimes had to be really pressurised into helping. I was once ill in bed, on the verge of being hospitalised and he wouldn't keep our child downstairs. He'd left the stairgates open and she'd come up on her own.

He'd be at death's door (slight cold), glandular fever (sore throat), etc and unable to feed our child so the person who's just out of hospital and supposed to be on complete bed rest (me!) would have to go out with the toddler and get shopping, buy nappies, baby food, wipes, food, toilet roll, milk, bread.

I got back exhausted and he's there all dressed up ready to go out with his friends - so clearly feeling better....

It is hard coping as a single parent but not everyone has a great partner (or a partner that stays being great).

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 10/01/2018 20:29

Not exactly piratemother, having someone else bringing in at least part of the household income reduces your stress levels considerably.

NoqontroI · 10/01/2018 20:29

Not just single parents either. Anyone who’s DP works away is in the same situation

But with the added bonus of an extra wage coming in and someone to talk things through with, which is another hurdle of single parenting when you have to make all the big decisions by yourself. So not quite the same at all.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 10/01/2018 20:31

Im a single mum of a 3 yr old and 1 yr old struggling with debilitating migraines. I have no choice but to get om wirh it but im a shit mum on those days

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 10/01/2018 20:32

And those with working away dp are absolutely not in the same situation.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 10/01/2018 20:33

It has everything to do with being single or not.

XH used to be away for weeks. He’d tell me that nothing had changed when we split.

It changes everything.

I’m currently battling flu, getting up and getting the kids off to school is challenging to say the least.

Babess · 10/01/2018 20:34

Single parenting should be an Olympic sport just because it’s that challenging. Going in for an op soon and all I can think of is my DS. I have no family around and friends have their own trouble. He is a mature 12 year old but I besides myself. I have to stay overnight so he’ll stay with a friend and luckily it’s on a Friday. With single parents everything comes down to logistics. So we suck it in and get on with it 😜😜

NoqontroI · 10/01/2018 20:35

Did your husband not come home at the end of the day then Tower? Because the knowledge that it's just you, only you, to do absolutely everything, make everything work, certainly for the foreseeable future, is really quite relentless. The knowledge that someone will be back at the end of the day, or at the weekend, or even in a months time isn't really the same.

SumAndSubstance · 10/01/2018 20:40

But with the added bonus of an extra wage coming in and someone to talk things through with, which is another hurdle of single parenting when you have to make all the big decisions by yourself. So not quite the same at all

Absolutely, these are huge differences between being a single parent and co-parenting with a partner, but in the case of dealing with children when you are horribly ill yourself, I think what Tower was trying to say was, it's still a struggle to do this by yourself if your husband is at work all day and can't take time off. I don't think the OP's example was the best one to highlight the stark difference.

Thehogfather · 10/01/2018 20:42

Ffs, a dh who works is not the same in the slightest. And anyone who believes it is has absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

'Omg, somebody is suggesting that single parents have a tough time, but what about me, me, me. I have it hard, acknowledge ME, it's exactly the same with a dp'

JosieJasper · 10/01/2018 20:44

Bbbbb. You might not be all singing and all dancing on those awful migraine days but the fact that you're saying you're a shit mum on those days makes me think you are probably doing a bloody good job with your DCs even on those days as you clearly give a shit. Hope you manage to get the migraines sorted somehow.