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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how the hell single parents...

272 replies

HonestTeacher · 09/01/2018 18:51

look after their children when they are feeling ill them self?

I have awful sickness bug and cannot even look after myself. DP has to do everything for me. Got me wondering what I would do if I was a single parent and had to look after children whilst being this ill. Single parents, how do you manage to look aftef your children when you are also ill?! You are truly superheroes.

OP posts:
purplepug · 10/01/2018 18:14

I had the sick and shit bug before Christmas. I have a 2 year old. He doesn't understand that mummy is sick and needs to lie on the sofa.
You absolutely just have to get on with it. He still needed feeding. And his nappy changed etc. Thankfully Peppa pig will occupy him.
The worst bit was when I was puking into the toilet with him tapping me on the back of my legs shouting "mummy".
Thankfully my older children come home at 4pm so they could look after the toddler.
It was a grim few days!

NamedyChangedy · 10/01/2018 18:16

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but what would happen if you weren’t physically able to look after your children, eg in a coma / having chemotherapy etc, and had no friends or family as support? Would that mean the children being put into foster care? Is there a system for that?

ThisLittleKitty · 10/01/2018 18:27

I have no family support which is why I don't work. Dd also has autism so that throws it's own challenges with the school not being able to cope with her so now I have to pick her up at 2! I do wonder how I will ever be able to work :(

And yes it would be foster care for people with no support.

Ffs2 · 10/01/2018 18:30

We are ill now 2 DDs 4 and 10 started Thursday evening. Fever and hallucinations both of them at different timesso no sleep for me. Fast forward to yesterday DP rang at lunch while at work saying he didn't feel well. Teatime he came home went for a bath and went straight to bed.I don't remember the last time I felt this bad but I've done everything I usually do including an additional trip to asda in the rain ( I don't drive he does) 40 minutes and 6 litres of sweat later I arrived home DD4 on her knees crying for some cereal. I asked could he get her some I need to unpack shopping and cool down before I pass out 10 minutes later he crawls in on hands and knees. I've never been so fucking angry. It must be lovely being a man fiancée, 2 kids, 2 dogs,2 cats, house to run and not a single fuck given 😡

SottoVoc3 · 10/01/2018 18:30

DS1, from age of 9, has had to look after DS2 from age of 4 (and me) , when I have been ill occasionally. They live on sandwiches and crisps and then , when i was able, I gave instructions on how to make beans on toast. A blessed neighbour had to take them to school and bring them home.
I had to phone the chemist and arrange with them to sell my 9 year old the strongest painkillers possible because i just couldn't get there myself. They don't know me personally but thankfully they were very helpful.
I'm a widow so can't send the DSs to their dad. My parents are no longer alive. We manage.. but it's not fun. I try and look after myself ( eg always get the flu jab)- there's no one to look after me if I get flu, and there's no one to look after my kids..

Penndragon · 10/01/2018 18:31

I've always been scared the children might be taken away temporarily when I've been ill. (Pneumonia/ other serious illness) Dunno what the social services policy is if there's no one else. My parents too old to cope with 3. Like another poster said I taught them really young how to care for themselves and cook basic beans/cheese/egg on toast and I always kept some emergency food of some sort that didn't need cooking. One time I was really bad I told my 8yr old what to do re 999 if I got worse just in case and she came in every hour overnight and took my temp to monitor and she got the younger ones dressed and to school for 3 days. Yes it was tough for her but they are all résiliant, resourceful teenagers now that seem much more mature than some of their peers. She feels proud of coping and helping her family. She shouldn't have had to but that's what many women and children face when husbands and fathers leave. 95% of single parents are female in UK so it's women usually facing this scenario alone.

Someonessnackbitch · 10/01/2018 18:33

When I’m ill it still tends to be me. BUT thought exactly the same thing when I had a vomiting bug. No idea how they do that one.

bemusedmoose · 10/01/2018 18:36

Ive had the sickness bug, so did the kids - we all slept in the bathroom because because i couldn't keep up with all the puking! I had to take a bucket with me to fill the washing machine because i was so sick. Thankfully everyone was sick so no one needed dinner cooking!

Before Christmas i had an inner ear problem that made me randomly throw up - like sea sickness. I made it to school drop off but threw up in a hedge on the way home. Spent all day throwing up, then it was time to run the gauntlet of pick up with out puking - just made it!

Two ruptured discs was the worst, i could barely walk, had to wear flip flops because i couldn't reach my feet and it took an hour to do a 10 min walk.

When it's just you, there's no other choice, you just have to keep going. Im lucky, i dont really get sick. I do have bad arthritis, depression and PTSD so im use to just getting on with it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/01/2018 18:44

I found myself in exactly this situation when my exh left. He skipped off on holiday with OW while I had a 2 year old desperately ill with the worst case of chicken pox I'd ever seen. At the same time, I had a vicious bout of gastroenteritis. It was extremely difficult, but what do you do? You have to get on with it. I also had an elder child who had to be fed, clothed and go to school. It was hellish, there is no denying that. Exh offered "support" by asking me to text him pictures of sick DS. Utter prick. I am fortunate to have a good network of friends I can call on if needed but have no family at all nearby and my mum is dead. I sincerely hope I never find myself in that situation again.

daddyorscience · 10/01/2018 18:49

I dislocated my knee one Sunday night, at work the next day after snapping it back in, with it cable tied up to a right angle bracket to stabilise it (doc couldn't fit me in). Why? Downtime isn't an option when I have the kids 2 days later. I bought a proper brace from Amazon, via prime. I took painkillers, I drove to collect them from school, to mine, normal evening, back to school the next day and off to their mums.

Painkillers, beer, hot soaks, sleeping pills, crutches, and strapping both legs together to sleep did the trick.

Kids are understanding... Mine helped with everything, including getting me up/down on the bed (5/8).

I have the doctor's at last next week, 6 and a half weeks after the injury.

It's a case of having to grit your teeth and plough on, sometimes.

Coyoacan · 10/01/2018 18:49

I've been a single parent, who was fortunately seldom ill, but it is so much worse for married parents with useless partners.

FeckBuggerAndArse · 10/01/2018 18:52

catsofa

“I need antidepressants, but from previous experience the first two weeks of taking them the side effects involve feeling very ill and needing to rest a lot.”

I’m in a similar situation. I have a degenerative inflammatory joint condition, and need steroid injected into my lower back, but this would result in me being unable to walk or drive for a minimum of 48 hours. So I’ll just keep taking the drugs and ice it.

JosieJasper

“I'm not a single parent but DH works long hours/shift work and I don't have family close by so I just have to get on with stuff too.”

My ex worked 12 hour days/nights, I’m sorry Josie but this is not the same as being a lone parent. Not even close.

MotherofaSurvivor · 10/01/2018 18:59

We just get on with it!

My friend is a single parent of 4 and heavily pregnant. She's currently in hospital for the week and her kids have had to go into temp foster care. She's distraught

MarvellousMonsters · 10/01/2018 19:02

“Coyoacan

I've been a single parent, who was fortunately seldom ill, but it is so much worse for married parents with useless partners.”

Umm, no. Actually, it’s not. My ex was useless, but at least if he was in the house I could go to bed if I needed to. As a lone parent you are literally the only adult in the building and have to get on with it.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 10/01/2018 19:03

I got flu when DD was 12 months old. Stayed in one room, made it safe, used the TV to distract and managed from the sofa. A friend took her for the day once or twice, it was the first time we’d been apart and it was hell, either hell trying to cope or hell being apart. At least when we were apart I knew she was being well cared for which was more than I could do. Also online supermarket shopping is extremely useful, especially living 5-10 minutes from the shops by car.

falange · 10/01/2018 19:03

You keep calm and carry on. No choice. That’s one of the hard bits of being a sp. other bits are much easier being on your own than being in a couple.

megletthesecond · 10/01/2018 19:04

yy feck and cats. My GP wanted me to take anti depressants for my IBS. It would only take about three weeks for the sleepiness and side effects to settle down. I bluntly asked him "and who will look after my children while that happens?" (Obviously I didn't take them).

lifeandtheuniverse · 10/01/2018 19:04

The only time I get annoyed is when some coupled parent, tells me that they are practically a single parent because the DF/M works away alot, late etc.

You are so so wrong, you have no clue how hard it is and I really want to deck you!!

You do because you have to and there is no one who can not do it. You just do - that includes my Exs second EX - who makes a drama of the whole situation - she now understand what she did to me - karma!

Willow2017 · 10/01/2018 19:07

Could you hire a babysitter for a couple of hours, to help with mealtime and/or bathtime for ex?

From where exactly?
Who in their right mind would come into a house full of norovirus anyway?
I couldnt afford a babysitter anyway, they earn 3 times per hour than I do!

Willow2017 · 10/01/2018 19:11

but it is so much worse for married parents with useless partners.

No its not!
At least they are there, at least there is another adult supervising the kids even if its only feeding them crisps and juice, its something!

Single parents are ALONE 24/7 and just have to get on with it regardless of how ill they are.

Kaykee · 10/01/2018 19:12

Single mum of 4, and yep you suck it up and get on with things because there is no other option available, even before I was a single parent my ex, if he was unwell used to go off to bed until he was better and expect waited upon by me. Then if I caught the bug & invariably the kids too, He’d be back at work and I’d be doing the same stuff as before whilst feeling like death. Even when he got home he wasn’t sympathetic at all, I can’t remember the last time I spent in bed when Ill.

Luckily not unwell that often and my boys are older and at school so I can try to rest whilst they are at School unless they are sick too.

Fullerhouse · 10/01/2018 19:30

I’ve been kinda lucky, I have 2 dc. Dc1 is 9 and dc2 is 2 I put my back out once that was the worst a lot of takeaways for dinner and movie days. I was in a lot of pain but couldn’t take any strong pain relief the docs had given me because after taking one I was conked our so had to suck it up and bare through it, another time me and dc2 had the sickness bug at the same time, that was very difficult i just got on with it though and looked after him (in between running to the loo) I felt so sorry for him he was only little. I don’t have the time to laze around with colds or anything minor I just carry on as normal. When I was with my ex partner and could lay in bed strangely enough I’d find the house a whole lot more of a tip leaving him downstairs with dc (just dc1 then) than I do now he’s not here and I have both dc Hmm it was always like I needed a while say to get the house back in order Grin

strivingforjustice · 10/01/2018 19:30

Very good question... it is simply almost impossible... I have been through every scenario over the years... including calling an out of hours doctor recently as I was too ill too even crawl to the bathroom as I was vomiting every 5 minutes , with my 4 year old son at home, they sent a paramedic as they thought I was having a stroke, as I did.... I begged him not to admit to hospital despite my blood pressure dangerously high, as there is only me for my son, although I was totally incapable of looking after him....
But my question ( that I have often asked myself) is why do we live in such a ridiculously harsh culture toward women in these situations...and those of us in these situations, are we too stoical? Too embarrassed and proud to ask for help? In other cultures in close knit communities and families, this does not happen.... what happened to neighbours, kindness, help & solidarity.... not just for the sick mother but the children....
I also wonder how much sympathy and help would men garner if they were the majority in these instances.... mmm bet the help would flood in.... I have sadly witnessed it in my own family...

Fullerhouse · 10/01/2018 19:31

*whole day

falange · 10/01/2018 19:34

I used to worry when mine were little that I'd have an accident and die in the house and they'd starve to death. That's one downside of being a single person.