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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how the hell single parents...

272 replies

HonestTeacher · 09/01/2018 18:51

look after their children when they are feeling ill them self?

I have awful sickness bug and cannot even look after myself. DP has to do everything for me. Got me wondering what I would do if I was a single parent and had to look after children whilst being this ill. Single parents, how do you manage to look aftef your children when you are also ill?! You are truly superheroes.

OP posts:

Peachyking000 · 10/01/2018 10:13

Thankfully I have great parents, who always helped out when I was ill. They kindly took DS to stay with them, otherwise it would have been very difficult

NoMoreUsernames · 10/01/2018 10:55

It's hardest when DC are really young. I remember having noro when mine was a toddler and after 8 hours in the bathroom managed to crawl to the bedroom and call my parents at 6am to come and collect him as I couldn't stand. I don't know what I'd have done without them. More recently I was bedridden with flu for 10 days and it wasn't too bad as he's 9 now and capable of sorting himself out plus, and most importantly, I've built a really good support network over the years and DS spent a lot of time at his friends over Christmas.
I can't stress how important it is to have that as a LP. It didn't land in my lap, in fact it was something I engineered really by moving close to my parents and close to a school with a small catchment where everyone walks to school. I also made sure I could do at least a couple of school runs a week which meant I got to know other parents. All ds's school friends are neighbours, literally several live on our street and the surrounding streets which as well being great for him playing out etc means we all help each other out regularly. I also have a lovely ndn who herself suffers with chronic illness and we often get shopping in for each other if one of us is poorly. Never a truer saying than 'it takes a village', it really does.
The worst part of being really ill for me is having no-one to look after me (didn't eat for 9 days with flu as couldn't physically make anything) and the worry about loss of pay which is the difference between LP's and someone who's dp works away.
So basically my advice would be to ensure you build a support network of some sort if at all possible, raise your kids to be independent and capable and make sure they know what to do in an emergency.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 11:24

Grobags

CinnamonLozengesareyum · 10/01/2018 12:20

HonestTeacher this thread has made me realise how inadequate my emergency planning is. I haven't considered it since last moving house.

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2018 12:22

My ex brought the children back for me to look after if he was ill

But of course if I was sick then the favour wasn’t returned, his life was to important

Shineystrawberrylover · 10/01/2018 12:23

TV. Supermarket deliveries bribery sleeping lionstoo much bad food

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 10/01/2018 12:30

I hate these threads.

I'm not a parent.

But its just so patronising and smug. "I dont know how they do it"/"how do they manage?"

The same way you would if your husband vanished out the door tomorrow.

You're not some special little flower and them some incredible beast of burden.

People do what they have to do, they find a way, and you would just have to do the same.

isthismylifenow · 10/01/2018 12:31

I have had a few frights, like the time I got a terrible reaction to some nuts and I could feel my throat closing, I was about to get one of the dc to phone ambulance when it just went as fast as it came.

But, you just do somehow manage, because you have to. I always say I am not allowed to get ill.

My dc learned very fast how to sort themselves out a meal.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 12:40

Blimey glitter?
Nobodys called single mums are special little flowers. Yes the women with partners would also cope in the same position.
But the point is that they havent because at the moment they wont need to. So yes as a single mum is ill its fucking hard and its scary. And whilst anyone would cope with fucking hard and scary to date they havent had to. So they wonder how single women do it. Because they cant imagine it.
Which is why the op asked and what is the point of the thread.
HTH

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 12:41

^ i meant beasts of burden. Obvs.

mumpoints · 10/01/2018 12:46

Your OP is exactly what I asked my single mum friend when my baby was a few weeks old. I was in awe of her. Still am.

Kewcumber · 10/01/2018 13:41

I'm not a parent.

Without wanting to sound patronising (snurk) I should wait until you are before your decide someone saying "How the fuck do you manage if you are a single parent and you/they are ill?" is patronising.

Sometimes people do sound patronising when they say it and it's hard to tell tone on a website but mostly when people have said it to me it is in a tone or horror and awe.

Because when you become a parent most people (yes there are exceptions) are blown away by how sodding hard it can be from time to time. It's a love hate relationship and nothing else has brought me to tears as much as being a semi-inadequate parent has. And people who have partner or parents taking up some of the strain who know how difficult they find it wonder how the hell anyone without that help survives. And then their child or they get ill and it ratchets up by a factor of about 20 not to mention the emotional strain of the worry about the illness and then they really do question how they would cope.

And it's disingenuous to say everyone would cope - there are 90,000 children in care in the UK as a testement to how some parents can't cope. Of course that's not to do with being single and is more often a cocktail of inadequate parenting themselves, lack of support, drug or alcohol abuse amongst other things.

So I really don't mind people thinking I'm a superstar occasionally - it beats the "feckless single parent" label which is only ever applied to the parent who is hanging around not the one who's fecked off.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 10/01/2018 13:49

@Kewcumber
Sorry. Ironically I was raised by a single mum and my best friend is a single mum and I'm protective of both of them and don't like to see them patronised thats all. I do remember how it was growing up and I also remember fear. One moment especially when I was 4 and my mum was pregnant and slipped and fell on a snowy road and didnt get up for a minute or two. She remembered that moment too and said I was saying "mummy get up!" over and over and said she had remained on the ground basically thinking "fuck this I give up".
My main thought as a child was fear about not wanting my mum to be hurt, and also fear about what would happen to me if something happened to her.

Sorry I'm rambling! My point is the phrase "I dont know how you do it" WRT single mums annoys me and its to do with patronising, not because i don't think they dont deserve recognition, far from it.

Anyway im sorry - my tone was harsh. I apologise for that.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 14:10

Glitter i got your point when i reread your post-and were actually arguing for SPs not to be patronised.

OMGWTFLMFAO · 10/01/2018 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuffinTip · 10/01/2018 14:18

I do find some of the 'don't know how you do it' comments in RL a bit patronising sometimes. It's probably me being a bit touchy though rather than other people being nasty.

I had a bad week before Christmas. One of my girls had a sickness bug and I had a horrific sinus infection I was in constant horrendous pain. I basically just lay next to her semi conscious while she threw up. Luckily she is pretty hardy for a 7 year old and copes ok with being ill. The really bad part of that day was getting a call from my youngest daughter's school to say she had fallen over face first, broken her nose and needed to be taken to A&E. I left vomiting daughter with a neighbour and went to A&E. Luckily she was given a bed so I just lay on that with her 😩 Think the nurses must have been thinking wtf. I feel like I aged about 10 years that day. Was definitely wishing I could have just crawled into bed and slept but sometimes you've just got to keep going!

FrenchJunebug · 10/01/2018 14:34

I middle through or ask parents from school or friends to help.

BitchQueen90 · 10/01/2018 14:37

I don't get ill. Seriously. Haven't been in years.

ThisLittleKitty · 10/01/2018 14:43

I do hate the "I don't know how you do it" pity.. The same way you would if you dh left you!

I remember when my youngest was 3 weeks old and I stepped on my curling wand (serves me for trying to make myself feel nice after having a baby!)I was alone with 4 kids (no family support and ex is absent through choice) wow that was fun, it burned for 12 whole hours and I had to keep my foot in a bucket of water whilst juggling 4 kids one being a new born. You just do it whats the alternative?

ThisLittleKitty · 10/01/2018 14:47

I agree 100% with glitter as a single parent of four believe me I get the comments a lot. When I was 10 minutes late for a meeting at my daughters school I apologised and I got "oh don't worry I'm just amazed that you even manage to get down here!" it's almost like the expect you to not cope or expect you to be a failure. I do see it as they are looking down on you.

NoqontroI · 10/01/2018 14:50

Is it pity though? I don't feel like it is. Well not from the people who say it to me. It's just matter of fact. And people go out of their way to help or at least be understanding. In my experience anyway.

Wishingandwaiting · 10/01/2018 14:52

Single parents are all legends, but we don't have a choice so we step up.

No, they’re not.

In my case my ex was never have been able to take time off when ill. Ever. Even when I had pneumonia.

So now being a single parent feel no different when I’m ill. Other then I feel less embarrassed to accept offers of help from friends whereas when I was married I felt guilty accepting help.

Karigan1 · 10/01/2018 14:53

I don’t know. You just do. I can remember having nasty flu and not even wanting to get out of bed but still cooking kids dinner whilst woozy and dizzy. I tend to use tv a lot then!

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 10/01/2018 14:54

@NoqontroI
It might not be pity but I think it's an insensitive question to ask.

If you want to be helpful to a single parent you can offer to take their kids for afternoons here and there, offer to do pick ups (without mentioning why you're offering), just keep it casual. Theres nothing helpful about overemphasising how HARD it must be. The single parent is well aware. Plus there's often an unspoken second half to the sentence: "...I'm so lucky to be in a position that I have a wonderful DP to help".

As for asking how they cope - well I've never waxed lyrical about how hard life must be for a disabled person, or ask them how they cope in life, what with having a wheelchair and all. They just get on with it and adapt, and yes physically life is harder for them l. I can use my empathy and imagination to consider their difficulties.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/01/2018 14:59

That's harsh Glitter.
There's nothing wrong with thinking how hard it must be for single parents

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