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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you would re-marry your DP, knowing now what you didn't back then?

484 replies

constantchange · 09/01/2018 08:27

I thought this would make for an interesting thread.--

If you could go back to the year you married your husband/wife, would you still marry them, knowing everything you do about them now that you didn't back then?

OP posts:
Summerlovin24 · 13/01/2018 09:56

Omg
Uncertaindreams and biddie191
Totally get you.
" I haven't got the time, energy or inclination to ego massage a grown man. "
" I just want peace in my head and in my home as I get older, but without any impact on my lovely kids."
I've lost so much of myself by staying with him" - i have only just realised this. Although after xmas rows he's making some sort of effort he is just not interested in anything i say. Looks bored even though i always listen to him. Its gone on so long that I don't bother telling him stuff cos he looks at phone when i start. I've realised there is so much in my head with no-one to tell and I'm really lonely at home. You know when you just want a brew and a chat.
Yes i have a hobby and friends and a life but with kids you are home after work school, constant cooking, activities etc.
You also say "but kids are happy, settled, we have a fairly happy home and he's a good Dad, just a lousy husband." This is true apart from husband bit. My husband was a good dad but he now abandons us all for a new very time consuming hobby. Taking the piss. There is no family time and when he graces us with his presence that is my opportunity to go out. I'm so used to being on my own with the kids its weird when he is home. He's gonna look up from his phone one day or come back from the hobby and we will all be gone. I feel unloved, unappreciated, unvalued, worthless.

KateGrey · 13/01/2018 17:11

I met mine at 23. In Hindsight I’m much wiser now. Mid 30s. And I know more of what I want. I’ve always suffered low self esteem so I suppose I got swept up thinking I’d never find anyone else who loved me (he’d often say I’d never find anyone who loved me as much as he did). He spends a lot of time on his phone. I think the commitment of family life isn’t quite what he hoped for. But I do the bulk of caring for our two disabled children. I don’t expect him to sweep in being sunshine and joy but he always seems bored when here and he’d probably opt for a life watching sky sports, going to the gym and playing bowls. I wish I could undo it all.

OhCarrieMathison · 14/01/2018 08:25

Nope, I don't think I would now.
I was 22 when I met him and he was 19.
He was lovely then but now the daily grind of working constantly to pay the mortgage and looking after 3 high needs kids has changed him.
If you could offer me a magic wish it would be to be separated and to be living indecently from him.

OhCarrieMathison · 14/01/2018 08:26

Independently not indecently Shock

constantchange · 14/01/2018 11:17

Summer, Kate and Carrie I'm so sorry for you all. I hope you manage to sort things out and find happiness Thanks

OP posts:
goldengimbas · 14/01/2018 11:33

I would marry husband again no doubt but I wish I hadn't meet him till a few years after I did. I was just starting uni and was enjoying being single and having fun but we just clicked and I couldn't be without him. I just wish looking back now I could have had a few more years of single life. But if I had the choice again to be with him then or not at all I would still go out with him and stay with him

TeddyBee · 14/01/2018 12:06

No. But I would do a lot of things differently. I was such an idiot in my twenties. It’s all worked out and I’m not saying I want a divorce or anything, but with hindsight I was a dickhead.

uncertaindreams · 17/01/2018 23:20

Oh summer. I'd have a brew with you! My DH doesn't drink it - as with most things we are polar opposites. Everything you say sounds so familiar. The hobbies come & go and the computer gets way more interaction than I do so I really get it. It's a half life of resignation really isn't it. 😢 Hope you have some good friends to support you. You sound like a lovely mum. 💐

Biddie191 · 18/01/2018 12:09

Summer and uncertaindreams - it's just that thought that am I being selfish? On the outside I have everything I've always wanted, and should count myself lucky - nice enough house, car that is reliable, 3 lovely children and a husband who is working, earning a decent enough salary, isn't violent / drunk / on drugs / no particularly antisocial habits.
But I just feel empty.
I feel like I'm bottom of the long list of priorities, I work full time but it's a chaos of rushing from school run to work to school run to after-school activities to cooking, washing, cleaning, bed, then up before sun-up the following day and it all starts again. I've worked so hard over the years for what we have, but I never get a chance to enjoy it, as it's always "next", and within that he floats in and out, rarely taking any responsibility for children, with their needs, issues and traumas. Rarely home before almost bed time as too busy, yet can manage to get off work early for 'his' things (pub with mates, his hobbies). Even at Christmas he spends a fortune on his family (some of whom are lovely, but some of whom, especially MIL, do their utmost to make me feel unworthy, stupid, like a scourge on the family....) and I'll be lucky to get a pair of slippers that are too small and a cardi his mother would wear. Then I feel like an ungrateful cow for feeling like that, but just a little token of appreciation.... doesn't need to cost much, but needs to be bought with thought!
For many years it was a constant struggle with money to make ends meet and at that point extravagant presents to the ungrateful MIL really grated...
I feel stuck in a rut - it's not that bad, so couldn't turn the children's life upside down by getting out, but it's never going to change.

Right, now going to crack on with some happy thoughts!

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