To ask if you would re-marry your DP, knowing now what you didn't back then?

[constantchange]

I thought this would make for an interesting thread.--
--
If you could go back to the year you married your husband/wife, would you still marry them, knowing everything you do about them now that you didn't back then?

[readytostart]

Most definitely, the man tests my patience everyday but he's my best friend and we have such a close connection.

Only thing I would change is smaller wedding and use money we used for big wedding for deposit to get away quicker.

[uncertaindreams]

Sadly no but I can't imagine life without my gorgeous children. We've had good times over 20+ yrs but since kids it's gone increasingly downhill. I realised too late that he's a self absorbed man child and that isn't going to change. There is no love or affection left and it is a lonely existence being unloved on a daily basis. Mentally drained by the indecision over whether/ when to leave these last few years. I've lost so much of myself by staying with him but kids are happy, settled, we have a fairly happy home and he's a good Dad, just a lousy husband. I'm heartened by all the lovely stories of happy marriages though. 💐to all of you, especially the ones who are in the 'no' camp and/ or dealing with illness or bereavement. X

[Biddie191]

Uncertaindreams I feel very similar to you - especially today. Maybe having a bad day (week....) but just the always having to be the one to organise everything, juggle things, bust a gut to keep things going, with little appreciation but more than that, little awareness and thoughtfulness.
I love my children to bits, and wouldn't change that part of things, but between the feeling unappreciated, and the issues with his side of the family and how that makes me feel, I do all too often wonder why I didn't do what his mother wanted and get out 22 years ago.
I have tried to let things go on that front, but I think that the majority of my feelings of worthlessness stem from the way his family treated me both before and since we married, and how he never really stuck up for me over it.

[TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt]

PersonAtHome that's a really interesting point about overthinking. I'm definitely a self-critical over-analyser and pick apart every decision I've ever made. I often find myself chewing over whether life would be better if I'd taken this job or bought that house...so if I had the chance to go back and marry someone else I'd think about it...and think about it...until the cows come home. However, I'm also not one for taking risks so I'd end up on "better the devil you know".

I'm a terrible fault finder, too. I always beat myself up for my failings (real or imagined) and find it hard to forgive faults in others (which is probably why I have few friends). I was never going to be very good at marriage so I consider 15-years-and-I-haven't-killed-him-yet to be a resounding success.

[Llangollen]

I'd be really interested to know whether lots of the people who said yes are less prone to overthinking / overcomplicating.

I don't know. I would definitively marry my DH again, if I wasn't happy with him now, we would no longer be together. We don't stay with each other because we have to, but because we want to. Even in the middle of our worst arguments - because we do argue sometimes - he still is the first person I'd call with good or bad news.

[colouringinagain]

Thanks avocado and uncertain

[uncertaindreams]

Biddie - Sorry you're in the same boat. 💐 Your comments really resonated.... being the family 'manager' is exhausting when you feel like you're doing it on your own with zero appreciation/ reciprocity. It should be a fun team thing that shows love and thoughtfulness to my mind, instead even booking a break away is painful. I haven't got the time, energy or inclination to ego massage a grown man. I get the in laws thing too. He is the baby of the family (red flag right there!) and very fussed over by older siblings (who do not have a good track record with relationships themselves - another red flag!). I just want peace in my head and in my home as I get older, but without any impact on my lovely kids.

[cyclecamper]

I would definitely marry him again, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't take his vasectomy as the only contraception...

[CosyLulu]

We only married 4 years ago when my dd was 11. He seemed to be the love of my life but I discovered lies early on and fairly rapidly the romance has faded so no, I wouldn’t do it all again like this but might do it with my eyes wider.

[SproutsWithLiverAndOnions]

Yes! But I wish I had met him much sooner, before my previous partner.

But then, in a funny sense, I am more wiser than I was before I met previous partner, so maybe the experience with previous partner has taught me to be wiser, with a bit of wisdom that comes with age thrown in.
Hope that makes sense.

[FineSally]

I'd be really interested to know whether lots of the people who said yes are less prone to overthinking / overcomplicating.

I can never give a straight answer to anything! (I said "not sure")

It's true that we are all a product of our experiences, so had I not married him, or married someone else, my life would be different & I would probably be a different person because of it. Had I not married in the first place (far too young) I might have gone on to university at a time when it would have definitely shaped my career in a totally different way. And I would probably have never met the man I am now married to.
If I'd married someone with a bit more "get up and go" I might actually have been able to go & get everything I wanted too, instead of living the last 30 years with things just drifting by.

There's no point regretting any of it, it could have turned out a helluva lot worse. But I can't help wondering how things might have been if only...

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

If this question had been asked a year ago after 17 years together, I would one of the 'yes of course, he's the love of my life' contingent. I used to be so smug and proud that our relationship was so good and we were beating the odds.

Now, I believe I would have been happier if I never met him. Even if that meant I didn't get to have the kids that I have. Things can change so quickly in a relationship, and sometimes the person you think you're in love with doesn't actually exist or hasn't for a very long time.

[constantchange]

What I'm sorry to hear that

Did something in particular happen?

[WhatAreYouLookingAt]

Thanks constant.

Just the old cliche of lies and betrayal.

I think what I'm trying to say is that regardless of how happy a person is right now, all that can change in an instant because you never, ever truly know someone. You always think you do but you don't.

[JanKind]

Been together 30 years even closer now. Would have married sooner had I known him. Would have liked children - never happened

[BananaThePoet]

Yes.
We've been together twenty seven years.
He's been chronically ill for all that time.
Our son has inherited genetic conditions from his dad.
We've lost all our possessions in a house fire, been through a few legal wranglings due to bad luck with various individuals and had more hard times than easy times.
But he is a good person, loyal, painfully honest, always trying to be a better person and he doesn't give up.
He is grouchy, bad-tempered and I love him because with all he has to live with - constant severe pain, tinnitus and a body that keeps letting him down - it would be miraculous if he wasn't grouchy and bad-tempered. We laugh a lot - even when things are at their worst - maybe especially when things are at their worst.
We fit together and he is the only person I feel completely myself with. I just wish we'd spent time together before his conditions became chronically painful. I'm glad I've been around to share the time we've had. Every day I am grateful for another 24 hours together.

[rainbowlou]

I’m sure I’m not the only one, but oh my god this thread has really made me think...feel so sad and so gutted.
We seriously had it all, why the fuck did he fuck it all up???

[LizzieSiddal]

Banana what you’ve described really is true love

[1ndig0]

Yes definitely.
He's been my rock for the last 20 years and through 4 children together. He's worked exceptionally hard to give us the lifestyle we have which I could never have dreamed of as a child. He is totally selfless. He has integrity and total honesty. Although he has workaholic tendencies, I can deal with this. We balance each other out snd I'm a better person for being with him.

[SwinginFromTheChandelier]

I don't know.

I love him but he doesn't love me. He left (briefly) a few years ago but then came back....I still don't know why or what I did. I live a very straight forward uncomplicated life, no personal issues or family problems on my side. I supported him with his dysfunctional family. I thought we were happy. I suppose by allowing him back I've chosen this. No Christmas present at all (nothing, Nada) and he won't be in the country for my birthday (big one) this year as celebrating a mates birthday (big one too).

Probably makes me the idiot but I do love him and want my family to stay together.

[Pammie70]

Yes. Despite the heartache I would still have married exH as I wouldn't have had my gorgeous children otherwise. Together 20 years and he was my best friend for the first 15 years before the alcohol took hold. I don't regret marrying him, just regret trying for 5 years to 'save' him - should have got out at least 2 years earlier.

[PumpernickleInaWarehouse]

No

[RibenaMonsoon]

Yes. In a heartbeat, without hesitation.

Only thing I'd change is to have been with him sooner.

[Onehellofaride]

I don’t know. He’s the love of my life and we are so happy 99% of the time...

[cafeaulaitpourvous]

Yep - and I wish I hadn't been so hesitant. But as I swore I would never get married again after divorcing the abusive second husband, I was wary.

I had no reason to be - been married to number three more years than one and two together