To ask if you would re-marry your DP, knowing now what you didn't back then?

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I thought this would make for an interesting thread.--

If you could go back to the year you married your husband/wife, would you still marry them, knowing everything you do about them now that you didn't back then?

No, he’s an abusive prick.

Absolutely, without a doubt. We've been together 14 years next month, married for 10 and a half years. The only thing I'd change is that I'd choose a better house, and would have probably had another DC x

flossie herethereandeverywhere colouring purple and anyone else who is a NO.

I also want to give you all a massive hug!

And also to say that it’s not our fault, you cannot always see the future, and it is not always clear from the start but we ‘were blind’.

My Ex was the nicest man, responsible, kind, everyone who knew him said he’s one of the good ones. You can’t always know a lot is luck. So don’t let anyone else tell you it’s all your fault and you should have known.

Yes, I would, even though I wasn't in love with him when we married, but I did 'love' him. I only realised how much when he had a cancer diagnosis a few years back. Cancer has now returned.... been married 46 years and will see this through together.

Without hesitation. Married 30 years. Been to financial hell and back. I love the very bones of him.

Yes, absolutely.

He’s a keeper.

No definitely not! Both were abusive and sucked the life out of me.
I would have stayed single knowing what I know now!

I want the 4 children I had with him (he was only ever a dad when he wanted to be anyhow) but marry and be with him again! Hell no! I would have got less for murder.

He was and still is a total sht who has never changed. Long very messy story Hollywood would love but ain't getting however needless to say I left him 17 years ago and apart from the children it was 17 years overdue. He was a violent abusive sht and that's just part or it.

Thank God he is living abroad now and will never come back here (outstanding warrants part of) my 3 boys have nothing to do with him by choice. Only my daughter that has limited.

My 2nd husband is the dad he didn't have to be to mine. The very thought of with the ex makes me feel ill. Now my 2nd husband yes ofcourse I would yes be with him all over again and longer

No. But would want the DC

Another no. But yes to my kids. You can’t always see what’s coming, and can’t always guess what things will be massively important and which things won’t be, when you start out. He’s always been hugely self centred though, so that alone I wish had given me more pause. If I could go back I would prioritise a brilliant sense of humour and selflessness in a partner. So, not my DH.

ExH - not on your nelly jelly belly!

But DH, I'd marry him every bloody day. 4 years and counting and the best thing I ever did. Just a shame he's not not my DS's biological father, but hey ho.

Yes 100%

Absolutely yes for me. Together 19 years, married for 15.

4DC, several house moves, job moves, an international move, unwanted repatriation, cancer - we've had our fair share of ups and downs.

Life isn't easy and it's certainly not all hearts and flowers - it takes a lot of hard work, and often when we really don't feel like it. Often it's a head thing rather than a heart thing - esp during the tough times like cancer and recovery, dealing with family and friends who don't respect me/us, but we made a commitment and I have no doubt whatsoever that I would make it again. I love him. I don't always feel love towards him, I don't always get that butterflies in my stomach thing, but I do love him and he loves me and we are in this for life.

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat

EveForever I'm in your camp. I am resigned to the fact I'm going to be single forever & actually that's ok. I miss the sex though 😢.
Thundercatsrule if you have found someone who you truly believe you should be with then you owe it to yourself to give that a go surely??

Flossie Good for you. You sound like a great mum and role model

I left him last year. And if I could go back to my younger self, I'd be screaming at me to stay away from him. So, no.

Absolutely BUT it habe all been plain sailing.

We’ve been married 28 years and all of our relationship “problems” were due to DH’s very middle class but abusive childhood. He went for therapy 5 years ago, after an ultimatum from me. He’s confronted what happened and is a much calmer, happier person for it. He is though, the kindest person I know, and I love him to bits.

*hasnt been

to all those with regrets.

I can absolutely second the power of therapy for the situation that Lizzie describes. Helped my DH to get over bad bullying by his parents and to be happy and free as his own person.

Whisk I’m glad your Dh got help too.
I don’t think you can underestimate how much someone’s childhood affects them. It’s very much worth exploring if your normally, lovely DH sometimes behaves in out of character ways. (I’m obviously not talking about abusive behaviour here)

Lizzie - I agree about childhood; I think we all internalise a lot of our parents' attitudes (good and bad) and it can be very difficult to break out of the bad stuff, particularly because there is often a feeling of fear or obligation to those same parents that is actually built by their abusiveness and controlling ways.

In my DH's case it not only made him personally happier, it also paved the way for massive career advancement. As soon as he wasn't anxious any more, he was picked out for leadership; a couple of year later he was given a chair. I don't think that would have happened if he hadn't been so much more personally settled.

That’s such a positive story Whisky.

Oh yes I adore my husband, be 9 years this year together married for 8 and I still get butterflies when he’s due home.

I think it's a no from me.

BUT.. there's no way for me to compare having been married to a different person, so in that respect, maybe it's been better with him than it would have been with others - who knows?

I'm an overthinker and someone who questions everything so it makes sense that I would question my marriage and choice of spouse.

I'd be really interested to know whether lots of the people who said yes are less prone to overthinking / overcomplicating. My good friend is much more straightforward than me and doesn't tie herself in knots over things and she's a 'yes'.

Having said that, there are some factors that frequently crop up for the 'no' people in this thread: abuse, difficulties with spouses's family, financial difficulties, men not sharing the housework or childcare.

For me it was financial difficulties - I married a man who let us down badly on this front. For years we had no money and he made no effort to change that (while I was making constant effort to change our situation). I'm the proactive one who has turned it all around and I've done it on my own.

Also he's emotionally distant and doesn't share his feelings with me. Also he's a workaholic (at his art, so not earning anything just working all the time and emotionally unavailable).

But I can't criticise the way he's picked up pieces at home, he does all the shopping and cooking and all the washing clothes and washing up. In his emotionally distant way he seems to still love and fancy me. And he's a good Dad to the kids in that he plays games with them a lot etc. He's pretty bad at the actual parenting / hard decisions / behaviour parts though.