Women/ girls taking full responsibility children

[thereisalightanditnevergoes]

Just lying here and suddenly feeling very cross so need to vent sorry guys. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I got pregnant at 17 with my first child. I finished my first year of college then missed a year to look after the baby until he went to nursery and I then completed my second year of College (sixth form) The father of my child, on the other hand who was the year above me so had finished his college education as our son was born, moved 100 miles away to his first choice uni.

He'd come back every other weekend to "help out" but eventually this got less and less as he met a new bird at uni and sacked me and DC off (until a few years later this all got resolved and he now has a good relationship with DC but that's not the point atm)

My point being how Fucking unfair. I can't believe I didn't make more of a fuss at the time. How dare he move that far away when I had to sacrifice so much and it was simply expected. Surely we should of both took a year out and both looked after the baby for the first year?? I know a few other girls who have had similar situations and I just think it's disgraceful most boys/ men take no responsibility and they aren't expected to. sorry. Rant over. I don't think I'm actually being unreasonable but would like other people's opinions on this.

That is not even remotely true of my experience of men. I only know of one man who was like that. The rest all married/tried to marry the women they got pregnant. My son's would be outright disinherited (in favour of their spurned child) if they ever behaved in such an appalling manner.

Pregnancy is a choice for a woman (ie continuing it) yes, but the potential implications of a termination should be taken into account i think. In my mind, the only way a man gets to decide he wants to walk away scot free is if he wrapped it up. Each. And every. Time. It still amazes me that contraception is deemed as the woman's responsibility, especially when we all know it isn't 100%.

if you're coming at this from a pro-life angle then we're going to have to agree to disagree - I'd never want any child of mine to throw their life away over a clump of cells. Well no one wants there child to throw their life away but having a baby does not mean you have thrown your life away. My friends were doing A levels when I had my first baby, I ended up with good qualifications and a good career and earning more by the time we hit retirement. Going to uni was hard but then I used to say the 18 year olds had to choose between going clubbing and studying, I had to choose between the ironing and studying so in some ways it was easier for me.

None of my kids have had children as teenagers or in their 20s so not a generational thing either.

If I could go back I don't think I'd do anything differently, it isn't right for everyone but it was for me.

This is why in years gone by women/girls were encouraged to wait for sex until they were married.
Of course there was no contraception which would have scared the majority, along with the stigma of being an unmarried mother, but marriage did /does protect the mother if the man decides to do a runner.

yes we all make choices but that was a pretty harsh choice you had to make and I don't think a fair comparison

It is a completely fair comparison. The op is complaining that she had to give up her education while the father got to prioritise his. The fact is, she made that choice to give up her education and have a child instead. Personally, I made the opposite choice. Nobody forced either of our hands.

You missed the point of my comment, which was that a father running off is not an implication of pregnancy as suggested by the poster who said it

I didn't. That wasn't what you said. But if that is what you meant, then I would say an implication of pregnancy of 2 17 year olds is quite usually the boy running off, actually.

We need good access to abortion, but that alone won’t fix the problem of men just shrugging off the responsibility.

Two women I know who got pregnant in their late teens are now doing most of the parenting. One was in a committed relationship (they married v young), pregnancy planned, next pregnancy planned, she gave up work/college while they were young with plans that she’d go back to college and train when youngest started nursery. Few years go past, bloke ditches her and her children and buggers off 200 miles away, gets paid cash in hand so dodges financial support all she can.

Other - did not know she was pregnant until about 20+ weeks, despite using contraception and taking two pregnancy tests (which came back negative). Bloke didn’t quite bugger off, but is doing a fraction of the childcare she does.

It’s not like women can just always easily opt out of this problem.

Ok seems to have long gone in fact posted and ran

*OP

Of course, but why should men be shamed into being fathers if they have had unprotected sex only once before?

Because they chose to have unprotected sex knowing the consequences of that could be AIDS/STis/pregnancy. They accepted those consequences when they chose to have unprotected sex. They chose all those things.

I been there myself. The girl can get left holding the baby which is often very true especially when a baby is conceived at such a young age. It’s very rare young couples make it through. It’s unfair but don’t let this define you, you can still meet someone else and hav that family. I know I did. The one thing I can take from my experience is making sure my own dc don’t make mistakes and especially my own dd doesn’t find herself in a difficult situation.

I didn't. That wasn't what you said.

You need to go back and reread my post and the one I was quoting.

In my mind, the only way a man gets to decide he wants to walk away scot free is if he wrapped it up. Each. And every. Time.

But no contraception is 100%. The woman could also have been using contraception. She can't walk away 'scot free', she has to deal with it in some way and all options have some risks.

In my opinion no woman should ever plan to have a baby unless she is prepared to bring it up on her own.

The buck stops with the woman 100%.

I know this from bitter experience.

And being 17 has nothing to do with it. If a 17 year old girl is old enough on this thread to make the choice to be a mother then running off is not an implication of being pregnant to a 17 year old father.

while we are talking about raising our boys right, I'm teaching mine properly about contraception and all of it. If one of them got a girl pregnant at 17 I would be mortified and disappointed, and hope like hell she decided to terminate.
If she did't though, there is no way I would advise him to give up university to stay with her. I would advise him to pay maintenance, be involved with his child properly, and be a dad. But not throw his own life away in the doing so.

And being 17 has nothing to do with it. If a 17 year old girl is old enough on this thread to make the choice to be a mother then running off is not an implication of being pregnant to a 17 year old father

It has everything to do with it, don't be ridiculous. I don't think she is at 17, but thats not my call to make.

What could or should have been done then? What does acting more strongly mean?* I don't mean forced marriage etc, don't mistake me for an sort of woolly liberal. I mean 2 things:

1. If a woman chooses to have a baby alone then she gets to say so, gets to be responsible for it, can choose not to name the father, not let him know etc, etc, without all the judgmental bollocks that happens now! Then again, how would we, as a society, means test that?

1. If a man chooses to abnegate his responsibilities then the state should be more vigorous in chasing him down for reasonable payments. But no not into being more active fathers. But that too has all sorts of unintended consequences

But, to be perfectly honest, that isn't going to happen for a long time because, as a society we just don't value lone parents, we prefer, as a society to vilify them instead. Even to appointing women who vote against the decriminalisation of abortion as Conservative vice chair for women.

I can't wave a magic wand on that! It is sheer lunacy!

Anyone saying it's tough luck/ your own choice/ etc: have you been in this situation yourselves? Doubt it Well, like many others, yes, 30 years ago I was in that situation - had no idea who the father was, was too busy enjoying being young, free and single. To get an abortion I had to fight all the male medical professionals I met. I told the snide bastard who was my consultant to take his antiquated ideas about women and stick them. So yes, I do know, have been there, and run that gamut, thanks!

It has everything to do with it, don't be ridiculous. I don't think she is at 17, but thats not my call to make.

So you think any girl who had a baby at 17 didn’t choose to? It was just an implication of them being pregnant? It just happened. They didn’t choose it?

I'm not arguing with you, you seem to wilfully misinterpret everything. That isn't even slightly what I said. I said the EXACT OPPOSITE.

No, you said a 17 year old father running off is an implication of pregnancy. I disagree. You say the age makes it an implication. So I am asking you if that means the 17 girl having a baby is just an implication too? Rather than both of them choosing their actions.

I said to my daughters from early on that, when deciding to have sex with someone, they should consider whether they would want to or be able to deal with the consequences of conception with that person. Contraception can fail. I would have said it to a son if I had had one.

Donny, I'm not hand feeding you. If you don't get it, just move on.

leth

It’s a fact though isn’t it? Facts are not always attractive or fair but that doesn’t make them facts.

Facts are with the best contraception in the works unplanned pregnancies happen. Fact that thankfully in this country women can choose to continue or end a pregnancy.

Thenkgod in this country a man cannot compell a woman to give birth and if he fucks off or if he stays then it if still the woman’s choice to abort or continue pregnancy

I think the greatest trick men ever pulled was to have women accept the shit they're fed. In 2017 we have women saying that having a baby is a huge disappointment, an awful thing, it lowers your aspirations, because of course it's inevitable that someone bringing life into the world will struggle, eh, what can we expect?

Meanwhile if you choose to blow other people's brains out in war, you'll get a salary and quite possibly a medal.

No wonder the world is in such shit.