Women/ girls taking full responsibility children

[thereisalightanditnevergoes]

Just lying here and suddenly feeling very cross so need to vent sorry guys. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I got pregnant at 17 with my first child. I finished my first year of college then missed a year to look after the baby until he went to nursery and I then completed my second year of College (sixth form) The father of my child, on the other hand who was the year above me so had finished his college education as our son was born, moved 100 miles away to his first choice uni.

He'd come back every other weekend to "help out" but eventually this got less and less as he met a new bird at uni and sacked me and DC off (until a few years later this all got resolved and he now has a good relationship with DC but that's not the point atm)

My point being how Fucking unfair. I can't believe I didn't make more of a fuss at the time. How dare he move that far away when I had to sacrifice so much and it was simply expected. Surely we should of both took a year out and both looked after the baby for the first year?? I know a few other girls who have had similar situations and I just think it's disgraceful most boys/ men take no responsibility and they aren't expected to. sorry. Rant over. I don't think I'm actually being unreasonable but would like other people's opinions on this.

I would never have trusted a condom as a 17 year old.

I would never have sex without one, but I wouldn't tell my partner I was also on the pill. Belt and braces all the way.
I was in my 30s when I first conceived- at a time of my choosing.

Well a woman can’t simply walk away from a pregnancy whether she aborts or has the baby, either way it must be dealt with. Men however can choose to not deal with it, as such nature/biology makes it unequal from the very start.

Since it IS the woman who has to deal with the pregnancy either way, indeed it is and should be totally her descion and hers alone. A woman bears the full responsibility of pregnancy right from the start and the choices range from having a baby and being responsible for said child for the rest of your life, adoption and the emotional courage and sacrifice that entails and the same in regards to abortion.

This is not a simple issue by any means and I don’t see any realistic way of making it equal especially in regards to the pregnancy aspect.

I do think however that men should not be allowed to walk away from their responsibility at all, because at no point can a woman ever walk away from hers. The only way I can see is more laws and more powers to force financial responsibility in paying for their children and for those laws and powers to actually be enforced.

wonder where OP has gone ...

But surely under that idea the woman accepted the option of pregnancy etc when she had the unprotected sex?

Yes. Who said otherwise? They both chose parenthood when they had unprotected sex.

I don't understand why the current law about non paying fathers is so weak. It needs to be massively overhauled and fathers must absolutely be forced to pay.

That only helps mothers though when the father is earning. If the father is on a very low income or benefits, they're no better off.

As for the abandonment, hurt caused, poor emotional bond etc that's bloody heartbreaking. But impossible to see how any kind of state intervention would help.

My own ideal world solution would be to convince girls to wait until they're on solid ground before choosing parenthood.

I do think however that men should not be allowed to walk away from their responsibility at all, because at no point can a woman ever walk away from hers

How do you see this working?

Forcing the man to stay with the woman?
Taking money from a 17 yo man when he has nothing to take?

The woman can walk away. Abortion, adoption & take more responsibility for contraception. Other than a condom there is nothing a man can do to take responsibility for the contraception and they can and do break.

@DonnyAndVladSittingInATree

But they don't, the man is chooses parenthood at unprotected sex, a woman can have unprotected sex then reject parenthood with the morning after pill, abortion, adoption.

The woman can walk away. Abortion, adoption & take more responsibility for contraception. Other than a condom there is nothing a man can do to take responsibility for the contraception and they can and do break.

The woman can’t walk away and must deal with the consequences of any of the options above, thats my point.

It is unfair. It would have been more reasonable for him to stay nearby, go to a closer uni and share care so you could at least have done open university and had some time to yourself.

None of us can turn back time though and looking back, there are many things that the sperm donor for my kids didnt do...We split when the youngest was one because he didn't want another child and I didn't want an abortion :/ I moved on though, eventually. If you can forgive him, somehow, at least you won't be wasting emotional energy on someone who deserves none. If he isn't already paying child support, make sure he starts.

It's annoying that uni fees are so much now too...I'm sorry OP, it sucks

I agree the only sensible way forward is to encourage girls to aspire to more than a teenage pregnancy. However you are fighting generations of families who see this as the right norm.

Schools can only do so much. Using the benefit system as a stick just hurts children

How do you see this working?

Forcing the man to stay with the woman?
Taking money from a 17 yo man when he has nothing to take?*

No man should be made to stay with the woman but he should be responsible for his child. He was equal partner during sex and should be equally responsible for the consequences as such.

Put it like this: 2 people decide to rob a bank, if they get caught aren’t they both equally responsible for the consequences? Doesn’t matter either who put on the balaclava (condom) if indeed there even was one, if your caught, your caught, should they both not serve a sentence? Why should one serve it while the other has the option of walking away when they were both complicit or robbing the bank!?

Maybe girls (and boys) can be encouraged to think sex=babies more....It kind of makes the prospect of s*x a lot less likely thinking of saggy tums and leaky boobs, who's going to be left holding the baby etc...I've seen things on tv soaps recently when boys are devastated when the girl has an abortion, like on Cold Feet...So surely, sex ed classes should be advising on this.

It doesn't help OP though...

Hopefully he did well at uni and now has a great job with which to pay child support though...

How do you see this working?
Forcing the man to stay with the woman?
Taking money from a 17 yo man when he has nothing to take?

Bold fail sorry

Hopefully he did well at uni and now has a great job with which to pay child support though...

Exactly.

He got a degree and pulled his weight and got a job and now has a relationship with his child.

The op sounds bitter that he dumped her sorry.

But what does this look like in reality. 50:50 shared care, even if that's not what he/she/the child wants? Enforcing contact even if he's a total tosser who damages his children (the relationship boards are full of women worried about contact between children and abusive partners)? Ban on higher education, or moving away from home town for work unless the mother says it's OK?

He got a degree and pulled his weight and got a job and now has a relationship with his child.

He moved 100 miles away for the degree. If that had been my son I’d have encouraged him to still go to uni, but to find one offering the same degree closer to home.

But they don't, the man is chooses parenthood at unprotected sex, a woman can have unprotected sex then reject parenthood with the morning after pill, abortion, adoption.

So do you think that because women can choose to end a pregnancy, men should be able to walk away if they don’t?

Ok so when they have sex they are doing it based on different options available to them. When a man chooses sex he is choosing parenthood. His options are to have sex or not have sex. If he has sex he is doing it with the knowledge that he may become a father. That’s his responsibility. The fact a woman has a choice beyond that is Irrelevant to his responsibility once a child exists.

Young people need to understand that if they are old enough to have sex they are old enough to make a baby. Contraceptives fail. My kids at school in PCSHE lessons have been told to double up ie pill and condom.

However it will always be the girl that gets pregnant and until we can change that men will walk away. They should be made to pay for the upbringing of the child. Most decent men do pay. There are still men that don’t and the law needs improving.

The only realistic option is take child support payments larger and more enforced.

You can’t make a reluctant Dad be an active parent.

Yes. Who said otherwise? They both chose parenthood when they had unprotected sex.

No they don't. There is no need to be parents at all. You're really struggling with this.

But what does this look like in reality. 50:50 shared care, even if that's not what he/she/the child wants? Enforcing contact even if he's a total tosser who damages his children (the relationship boards are full of women worried about contact between children and abusive partners)? Ban on higher education, or moving away from home town for work unless the mother says it's OK?

I don’t think contact could or even should be enforced due to a range of situations where this may not be in the best interest of the child. However I do think financial responsibility should be enforced and enforced in much better ways than it is now. If the parent isn’t working, than they should be made to volunteer and contributions made to the resident parent by the government. In the case of education/study the government should also contribute to the resident parent until such time and contributions can be repaid through employment. So it works the same way and be repaid the same as a student loan. These maybe silly ideas, but my point is I think if men had no choice but to be financially responsible regardless of age/study/work/self employed and had no loopholes of shirking the responsibility they would be far responsible at the point of engaging in sex and the possibility of a pregnancy occurring.

lilly not silly at all but very sensible.

Sensible Lilly. But slightly unrealistic, many people don't think when in the throes of passion let alone about the possibility of pregnancy.

There certainly wouldn't be so many unwanted babies and abortions if people DID think!!

Oh FFS, the number of men who insist they will pull out, who claim to be infertile, who just 'don't like' condoms and yet pressure their girlfriends for sex is pretty substantial. And there are plenty of men who want their partners to get pregnant and have babies, but are unwilling to take on any childcare or change their lives in any way.

Much of the trouble we all face is due to the outdated concept that men have jobs/careers and women work for pocket money/until the babies come along. The economic model which no longer works is that the man builds his career because of the unpaid labour of his female partner, who not only raises the kids but does all the domestic work so the Important Man doesn't have to lift a finger outside his salaried hours.

There are decent men who will do their share, love and support their partners, contribute equally to the raising of their children, but while there are so many selfish-woman-hating losers with functioning dicks, what is needed is sufficient social change to make it feasible for women to be economically independent while raising children. And yes, that will include forcing men to pay a percentage of their income towards the raising of any children they have fathered. They can protect themselves against child support claims for kids they didn't plan or want by either using contraception, having a vasetomy or just not engaging in PIV sex.