Women/ girls taking full responsibility children

[thereisalightanditnevergoes]

Just lying here and suddenly feeling very cross so need to vent sorry guys. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I got pregnant at 17 with my first child. I finished my first year of college then missed a year to look after the baby until he went to nursery and I then completed my second year of College (sixth form) The father of my child, on the other hand who was the year above me so had finished his college education as our son was born, moved 100 miles away to his first choice uni.

He'd come back every other weekend to "help out" but eventually this got less and less as he met a new bird at uni and sacked me and DC off (until a few years later this all got resolved and he now has a good relationship with DC but that's not the point atm)

My point being how Fucking unfair. I can't believe I didn't make more of a fuss at the time. How dare he move that far away when I had to sacrifice so much and it was simply expected. Surely we should of both took a year out and both looked after the baby for the first year?? I know a few other girls who have had similar situations and I just think it's disgraceful most boys/ men take no responsibility and they aren't expected to. sorry. Rant over. I don't think I'm actually being unreasonable but would like other people's opinions on this.

We live in a society that is structured to benefit men at the expense of women. That's why this shit keeps happening.
The two main things that would improve it would be affordable (or free) childcare available 24/7 and universal basic income. Then women wouldn't have to expend effort in pleasing, placating and cosseting men in return for economic support if they want to have DC.

It's inevitably unfair because of biology. It's also in part because women often want babies despite any practical issues that might make it difficult for them.

I know loads of women in your position, and I could have written the script the moment they announced their pregnancies. But they wanted those babies, so it's none of my beeswax.

My sister had a baby with the ghastliest man in our city. Guess how that has gone? Yup. My sister and my niece do very well and her new DP is a gem, but the ex still causes problems.

One of my closest friends had a baby with a man who had child already in a foreign country but didn't see much of him because the ex was a psycho. Guess how that went? Yip. But it's her choice.

This is true IME. Anyone ^ saying it's tough luck/ your own choice/ etc: have you^ been in this situation yourselves? Doubt it.

DDs father did this, she is 16 now and has zero respect for him. Despite lack of financial support I always facilitated the erratic access because I wouldn't hinder her relationship with her other parent. I never spoke badly about him around her. Despite this she's drawn her own conclusions over the years and it's been a horrible disappointment for her. We were both younger when she was born, but being a parent has matured me whereas he remains a feckless idiot.

He's lost out on DD and that's his tragedy, not mine.

I think unfortunately - because women (rightly) have the 'final say so' on keeping the baby or not... and they carry it and give birth to it.... men will always be able to fuck off and abdicate their responsibilities (in money and time).

Agreed.

Society allows it

^this. And it's not right. As the mother of sons I will be raising my boys to realise that the consequences of sex are not the girl's alone to deal with. I can't believe the amount of people since he couldn't make the choice to terminate it somehow even partially absolves him of responsibility. What a crock of shit. And parental responsibility is more than just paying maintenance. I sincerely hope I manage to install a more responsible attitude in my sons than some of the previous posters are displaying.

Jesus Christ this thread! WTF??

OP please don't take the horseshit you're being fed here.

If two people have sex, they are both responsible for the consequences. Yes it is the woman's choice whether or not have the baby but that does not mean that it's in any way acceptable for the father to just walk away as if nothing happened. How can anyone do that and have any respect for themselves? Why do we expect so little of men???

That's unfair. My son will be brought up to share my values and if he abandoned a pregnant partner I'd consider myself a failure.

But that doesn't mean that men and women are the same. One can choose to terminate a pregnancy, the other can't. Women have the choice of who they become pregnant to, I'm not sure what society can do about that.

@12345OnceCaughtAFish

But why should women be allowed to not be ready for or not want the responsibility of a child and not men?

Agree op. That’s why we had condoms feely available in our bathroom during the teenage years, we kept up the dialogue about responsibly contraception for both the lads and our girls and both our girls asked me to help access the pill from 15 wen they had boyfriends.

Yes it’s unfair as it’s biology, the woman only can get pregnant, but you can make dam sure you don’t get pregnant and if you do then you can end the pregnancy. Thsnkgod at least in England

OP please don't take the horseshit you're being fed here.

Oh I don't agree with it, but it is how it is.

Government policy supports it.
People vote for that policy.
The language we use to talk about men and women support it.

The sooner women/girls realise it and stop falling for the "Happily Ever After" fairytale, the better off we will be.

And, at 17, I would hope that the majority of girls would think "fuck, a baby! I'm not having that" rather than, "Aw, a cute baby, I'm so happy".

And I would be ashamed of my sons if they got anyone pregnant by accident as they have been taught better but if that happened of course they should face up to their responsibilities.

Oh it's so good to have some sense posted DrMartha Thank you! and Pollylockets

But why should women be allowed to not be ready for or not want the responsibility of a child and not men?

Ideally, people would enter into relationships with/have sex with people who share their view on having an unplanned baby at what is objectively a bad time.

I agree with DrMarthaJones on this one.

WaggyMama I Totally agree with you!

We live in a society that is structured to benefit men at the expense of women. That's why this shit keeps happening.

Yes, yes, yes.

I remember thinking this about schools. Girls who got pregnant used to be sent off to a specialist establishment - Ok it had things set up for pregnancy etc but their education was disrupted and it couldn't offer the breadth of curriculum that an ordinary high school could, which sometimes meant the girls couldn't continue with certain GCSE options.

This went on for a while and then a girl got pregnant in Year 10 and the father was also in Year 10. She refused to go to this school and pointed out that the boy would have no disruption to his education or life so why should she?

Of course it's not OK to walk away from your responsibilities, nobody has said it is. But throughout history some men have made spectacularly shit fathers. I feel sorry for them, look at what they miss out on. But what can society do to ensure that men who don't really want to be dads are turned into good dads?

Having a baby is like dropping a bomb into your life. MN is full of women who desperately want a child or more children despite their partners practical objections.

I suppose I relate to men on this matter as I've never felt broody, and once I realised how hard parenthood is, I was certain I didn't want another.

And I would be ashamed of my sons if they got anyone pregnant by accident as they have been taught better but if that happened of course they should face up to their responsibilities.

Of course. I have a 15 year old boy and I've taught him thusly.

However, I like to think if I had a daughter who become pregnant at 17, she'd terminate.

@MuseumOfCurry

So you would allow your daughter to make the choice to not be ready to be a parent and terminate completely relieving her of the responsibility of a child? But your son would have no say and would be forced to give up his life for a child he didn't want/isn't ready for?

However, I like to think if I had a daughter who become pregnant at 17, she'd terminate.

Yes. I would hope I have brought my daughter up to have more ambition and to want more for herself and her life than this.

And, unless you are incredibly well supported, it's a dismally shit life for both the mother and the baby.

motherfiver
They make that choice at the point of having sex. A possible consequence of heterosexual sexual intercourse is pregnancy. They can minimise the risk by using adequate contraception but they have enough sex in the knowledge that contraception can fail and they will have everything to take responsibility for the consequences of it does. If they absolutely cannot commit to being a responsible father to a child then they should abstain. Simple as that.

😂 my phone is having a bit of a fit and adding random words to my posts. I do apologise, I hope you can identify the words that don't belong

I think most people are actually agreeing that it's unfair, but that there's an inherent disparity in the situation?

Both people can make choices about contraception, both people can be let down (for example if contraception is discussed but it fails, or is forgotten or lied about), but ultimately (and correctly), only the woman decides if the pregnancy can continue.

Take thoughtless teens at the beginning of their 'free' adult life, and a baby that's not wanted by the father, and boom, there's your result. Not always - but parents need to be providing their kids with a solid grounding in common sense and personal responsibility so that they either don't get into the situation or can resolve it maturely.