Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 08/01/2018 10:20

I wouldn’t do anything at this stage until you have spoken to ex. The ex does have many factors in his favour here:

He has a good co-parenting relationship with the mother of his children.

When it transpired the DC were out of sorts he noticed and questioned it.

He questioned the GF and said that he will sort things.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now and assume that as a previously decent father he will do something about it. Rather than wading in all guns blazing and running the risk of alienating him and driving him closer to this woman and destroying a good co-parenting relationship.

Serialweightwatcher · 08/01/2018 10:21

If something is screamed in the face of a 4 year old she will remember it, maybe not word for word but it will have scared her and stick in her mind. Stop nitpicking at the actual way the sentences were formed - the woman is a bitch and shouldn't be allowed near the kids and if the father has anything about him, he'd dump her immediately for speaking to his children in that way and upsetting them

CosmicCanary · 08/01/2018 10:22

My DD was a virtual parrot at 4 yo.
You had to be very careful what you said around her as she could repeat it later nearly word for word. Blush

OP you need to have an outcome that works gor your DDs at the ready begore the ex gets back to you.
A 4 yo really has no reason to lie about this and he needs to decide if his gf who acmitted losing it is somebody he wants around his young children

Had your bf admitted losing it with your DC I am sure your ex would have a very clear stance on the issue. Maybe use that as an example to him?

Depending on what the outcome is will decide what hou do next.
I agree with you that she has no contact with your children. You owe her nothing she is not a parent or family member so actually has no need to be around your DC given her behaviour.

I hope your ex puts his children first.

mustbemad17 · 08/01/2018 10:24

Not going into the whole 'DD is 4 how could she remember that' bollocks because I know that every 4 year old is different. I also know from experience that when things are being screamed at them, many 4 year olds catch every damn word & mull them over!!

Personally I wouldn't want her near them, supervised or not. Going by your OP, your DD's behaviour has changed significantly enough for you to have been concerned; to me that suggests she is anxious as hell about things.

PP who suggest witholding contact if your ex refuses this stipulation is cruel clearly have no idea how badly emotional abuse can affect a child. If your ex doesn't agree that this is so far over the line, the line has disappeared, then you need to take steps to protect your kids. For somebody to lose it at a child like that is disgusting & what's next, a quick slap? If she constantly goes on about you in a derogatory way in front of your kids then this is just an escalation of her behaviour. Bitch. I have to say you are handling it well...i may have been tempted to go & drop kick the bitch but it would have been counter intuitive!!

strugglingthroughlife · 08/01/2018 10:25

I'm sorry op! Hopefully her father makes the right decision

MrsMozart · 08/01/2018 10:27

Yikes OP. What a shit thing to have happened. I hope ex really does step up.

thegreylady · 08/01/2018 10:33

OP my 4 year old grandson could easily have repeated that word for word. If children are shocked by what has been said it tends to embed in their memory. He did once report a long sweary sentence from a friend of his elder brother which was more complex than yours.
I do hope your ex sorts this and doesn’t let this foul mouthed woman alone with his dds again.

ilovekitkats · 08/01/2018 10:38

At that age my DD used to repeat word for word. She came home with such delights as
OW said you were a stupid cow, OW called you a bitch and so on.

They are innocent but aware it’s bad things being said.

DD was verbally abused by OW and her father and I stopped overnight visits at that point. I also told him DD wanted to see him on his own but he said he couldn’t possibly leave his family behind. Hmm

I hope your XH remains decent and keeps them away from this awful woman in future. Hopefully he will see he has no future with her either unlike my XH who puts OW before his daughter.

KungFuEric · 08/01/2018 10:39

She's clearly a nasty piece of work to be shagging a man with a pregnant partner.

The only trouble is your ex is also an idiot who went along with it with a heavily pregnant partner, so I can see that he's someone who might turn a blind eye to things at the cost of getting his Dick sucked.

Don't be surprised if this ends up going badly and becoming very defensive when you criticise his choices.

Ellie56 · 08/01/2018 10:40

OMG your poor children. YANBU. This sort of thing can do untold damage if it continues.

Do hope your ex sees the GF for the vile evil bitch she is and recognises how much damage she has done already to DD1. Angry
I am surprised she has not started refusing to go to Daddy's house because of her. If not she very soon will do.

This needs very careful handling.

And the bitch GF needs a good slap! Angry Angry

Piffle11 · 08/01/2018 10:45

She's obviously got issues around the fact that ex pays you maintenance that she obviously sees as 'their' money, and that you and ex have a good relationship ... these issues will not go away, so the temptation to 'lose it' will always be there. I don't want to be all dramatic, and I'm not for one minute saying your ex is in the same league, but all it takes for things like the baby P case to occur is for the parent to turn a blind eye to the abuse. And that's what this is - abuse. Verbal at present, but if she continues to be allowed to get away with it, it could very possibly turn physical. How can a baby defend itself?

Myheartbelongsto · 08/01/2018 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lunalovepud · 08/01/2018 10:47

Regardless of the language used, this woman obviously shouted and screamed at your kids and made them feel frightened. She should not be allowed near them unsupervised ever again under any circumstances and in your position, I would be very upset if the ex didn't ditch her straight away.

I was called a slut (among other things) and sworn at as a very young child and I remember all of it. Although I didn't realise what the words meant, I knew they were not very nice and that I was in trouble, that I wasn't as good as other people and that my home was not secure and I was very frightened. This woman sounds absolutely awful.

Grunkalunka · 08/01/2018 10:48

Well your DD certainly caught the gist of it - she knows that the GF dislikes her and has made her feel scared and perhaps ashamed as if she is bad (for being irritating, costing money) - absolutely vile.

If you ex stays with the GF, her attitude would worry me going forward. She may in future keep her mouth shut but your DC will feel her dislike and resentment of them which will damage their self esteem. If your ex moves in with her, how is she going to feel about money once they have to fund somewhere together, want trips, meals out etc she wants a family and wants her children to come first. I have seen it so, so often (I'm an oldie). Good luck

ElsieMc · 08/01/2018 10:49

When I had an issue with my gs's dad's rough handling of him (he lives with me) I told the social worker what had happened. He had a completely conflicting story. But gs told the sw that "daddy strangled my arm". We had accused him of rough handling, dragging him round as he had finger tip bruising on his upper arms. The words of a child to be believed.

I don't doubt your lovely dd's version for one moment. Why on earth would she make that up? It is a fairly complex sentence, not overly long and sounds like a loss of control perhaps whilst the kids were being difficult. I don't like to worry you, but there could be more and for this reason, this woman cannot be left with your children alone. Now she knows you know, she will feel even angrier. Also very worrying around an 11 month old who cannot speak for themselves.

I think your dd is bang on here. You co-parent well with your ex, the money is not an issue for him and is only the legal amount (not more) so why would any of you want to disrupt the status quo. Like you said op, if anyone has any doubts, then report it.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 08/01/2018 10:49

Myheartbelongsto, well maybe she is not that advanced, or bright.

Leave off this ridiculous argument, will you? It is taking over half the thread and is tedious.

TattyCat · 08/01/2018 10:52

Myheartbelongsto

Again, the GF has admitted to 'losing it'. So... what do you imagine she said, if not the words the child has repeated?

Lovely333 · 08/01/2018 10:53

I hope he dumps her, Shes sounds horrible.

LouHotel · 08/01/2018 10:54

So he started his affair with this women when you were heavily pregnant? I dont think he's the shining angel and amazing father he's being made out to be but im glad youve got a good co parenting relationship.

I dont think in these circumstance the OW should have been introduced to your kids at all.

How is the rest of your dynamic with x-husband op?

LouHotel · 08/01/2018 10:54

For at least year i should add.

Lizzie48 · 08/01/2018 10:56

FWIW, I can definitely buy that her DD repeated what the GF said, it doesn't mean that she knew what the words meant, thankfully.

I really don't get why some posters are so hung up on what 4 year olds are capable of.

The GF has admitted to losing it.

justforthisthread101 · 08/01/2018 10:58

My four year old could (and bloody well would) absolutely be able to repeat that. And would remember it if it had upset her so much.

Not only could my 5 year old have repeated it at the time, but would still being doing so 18 months later "Daddy do you remember when you did ages and ages ago?" Cue much hilarity and laughter from her and DD2 while I snigger quietly and he fumes Grin.

I wouldn't let her near mine OP. YANBU.

LagunaBubbles · 08/01/2018 11:00

I have a daughter who had great speech at a much younger age but I'm not buying that she repeated that

Sick of the troll hunting now. Report if youre "not buying it." Hmm

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 11:01

You’d think that someone screaming and swearing at a small child and a baby would be an instant dumpable offence. Literally no need to mull it over.

As for a 4 year old not saying all that I don’t see why not. Mine at that age knew the entire script to every single sodding Disney princess movie word for word. Not outside the realms of possibility that she could repeat it all when it was something that frightened her and was on her mind a lot.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 11:05

justforthisthread my friends DD is like that! Remembers everything! My son threw up everywhere at softplay 3 years ago when they were both 2. She still remembers it and does her (dead on) impression of him when she brings it up Grin and sadly repeats me saying “fucking hell!” A little too loudly Blush DS doesn’t remember it at all....