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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 08/01/2018 11:05

That's terrible.

I really hope that your ex breaks up with her. At the very least she should not spend any time with your children again, after she has apologised to your DD of course.

DeadButDelicious · 08/01/2018 11:09

Can we all stop with the troll hunting please? The OP has been very clear that if you don't believe her story then you can feel free to report. Half the bloody thread is filled up with people picking holes.

OP, I hope your ex gets rid of this awful woman. And I think you would be well within your rights to insist on contact away from her if he doesn't.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 11:09

Exactly what ofa said.
If you don't believe it you can
A- report the thread. Fine, I'm happy for MNHQ to have a look.
B- click off the page and forget about it.
I'm not concerned with randoms thinking I'm a bullshitter. There are plenty of people with similar experiences, so we're just going to end up arguing about it all bloody day...? Fuck that.
If I wanted a bunfight I'd have asked about ff vs bf!
I'm just here for advice.

I'm not angry with ex at this point - though as I said a bit annoyed he left them with her but I do believe it was a short amount of time and he's capable of using his own judgement and didn't believe this would happen.

As I said I'm not able to speak to him at the moment so just trying to have a think about what would be best; I'll let him talk first but I don't think it's acceptable for her to be around them anymore least of all unattended.

I do think his GF is a knob. But to be fair he wasn't my partner when they got together - we split up when I was just under 8 weeks pregnant - i initiated the split. No cheating and there's no bad blood there or with his gf (prior to now) and they got together not long before I gave birth I have suspected she's a bit of a hanger on but it's not my business and he's bright enough to figure her out eventually. But this has really really shocked me which is why I've just been really angry and not sure how to react as previously stated I don't want to kick off and do something or say something I regret as we get on very well.

He is a wonderful dad, or at least has been up until this incident (I can't speak for whether or not he's being reasonable or wonderful because I don't really know his reaction). He anticipates their needs, doesn't need handholding in the same way that some men described on mn seem to, they're always clean and well fed, always happy to see him, if he has concerns he speaks to me and is always happy to chip in financially as well as making an effort to be around as much as he can (demanding job and big commute). He's a shit husband but I won't fault him when it comes to parenting. I see him as equally capable as I am.

His Gf made a few comments about me and the amount of maintenance he pays and even suggested in front of me that I should be showing that at least x amount goes to food and x amount goes to clothes etc. she even then said oh just give her a voucher for x store and y store (then addressed me by saying oh you'd be happy with that wouldn't you?? Er, no. I can manage the finances of my household without handholding and vouchers!) Im told (by him) they argued about it but that was four months ago and then this happens.... so I think she just fucking hates me for taking money he "should" be spending on her/them. Which is ridiculous as it doesn't even look like they're a defacto partnership at this stage so why is she so interested in his money? Hmm
The more I think about it the more it makes sense hope ex agrees with me. I'd be happy enough with her being away from them whether he wants to leave it or not is down to him but I don't want her around the girls

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 08/01/2018 11:16

She sounds like a gold digger and doesn't like you having 'his' money ....

Let's hope he sees sense and deals with it.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 11:18

Bloody hell! Vouchers? Accounting for every penny you spend? She’s got the cheek of 10 arses! Shock

And she’s bloody lucky you haven’t made her death look like an accident already! I’d have had a stroke by now if I was you from all the rage!

Bettyswitch · 08/01/2018 11:20

If the boot was on the other foot and it was your bf doing the shouting the mumsnet ltb crew would be out in force! (Rightly so btw)
Your dc need protecting from this sort of behaviour & i would suggest contact is supervised by yourself untill ex ends this shambles of a relationship.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 11:24

All I can do is wait to talk to him; but wrt his ex I've never had much of an issue with her as I didn't see her that often.

The only time she's been a bit dickish towards me is with those comments mentioned above but I didn't see it as a huge problem because not only did ex take no notice but it's also an opinion that unfortunately many people have. I trust that if ex had any concerns about how I spend the maintanence he'd talk to me directly - he does pay a fair amount but it all goes to the kids in one way or another and whatever's left over bulks up their savings.

Unfortunately there are loads of people who think that an ex with kids should be grateful for 3p and Freddo every 6 months or that it should all be individually accounted for to the penny, so it didn't concern me massively. My only concern has been this recent incident.

OP posts:
userlotsanumbers · 08/01/2018 11:26

I don't want to flip out and harm ex and I's good coparenting relationship so I'm trying to prepare what I think should happen and how to say it without letting how angry I am taint it

Oh but that's exactly what she wants. She wants your relationship to break down so that she can have him all to herself. Or that you start restricting the amount of time that the children are allowed over there. She wins: him. All to herself.

I've had this happen to me, I didn't react towards her trolling behaviour, but it has been very, very hard. Try pointing out that if she behaves like that towards his kids with you, she can behave like that towards his kids with her...if they were to have any..... sort of a #justsayin moment, make him think.

Jenna43 · 08/01/2018 11:43

so I think she just fucking hates me for taking money he "should" be spending on her/them

No she hates you because you're 'the ex', it's really that simple. She's jealous of you. I had this with one of my exes new g/friends...she was actually the OW. She hated when we were getting on/co-parenting successfully and would invent stories to create conflict. She got involved in everything, maintenance payments, his access days - she'd go and book them up for things on his access days. She couldn't stand that I was so reasonable with him after having an affair with her, she wanted me to be a bitch to him and hated that I wasn't. She was insanely jealous.

If I were you I'd want to speak to her - inform your ex that you want a word with her...tell her in no uncertain terms that she has never to be alone with your DDs and her behaviour is a disgrace and abusive. She has no right getting into a relationship with a man with children if she can't be grown up enough to accept those children and that you will be there for the next 14/15 years so either accept it or get out of the relationship.

therealposieparker · 08/01/2018 11:43

I would expect any decent father to terminate this relationship immediately.

eggsandwich · 08/01/2018 11:47

I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends the relationship with his gf after this incident and it goes to show that she’s not kind and compassionate to young children but also a bully who can’t be trusted, thank goodness he found out before he married her of had children with her.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2018 11:48

“He's a shit husband but I won't fault him when it comes to parenting”

Well, if he’s still with this woman you should.

eggsandwich · 08/01/2018 11:48

Oh and I take my hat of to you for your self control, as I’m sure I would of “lost it”with her.

trevthecat · 08/01/2018 11:54

I wouldn't let her near my kids ever again. Who says things like that to children. Your ex needs to sort this and show you and your dc that this won't happen again. Oh I'm livid for you.

MsWanaBanana · 08/01/2018 12:01

I'm not sure my ds at the age of 4 could remember a sentence like that (he can hardly remember what he did at school 10 seconds after leaving and he's now 8) and I doubt he'd know how to scour for the cheapest prices in a menu
Are you really bragging that your 8 year old cant remember what he did at school 10 secs after leaving? That’s not something to be proud of.
Op I would definitely make it clear to your ex that you don’t want your children to be anywhere near his gf. Even if she did have a reason to be upset (which she doesn’t) that is no excuse for screaming and swearing at a 4 year old. Who does that? She sounds awful and not someone you ever want your dc around.

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/01/2018 12:05

You can not dictate who he has around the children or who he leaves them with unless you can prove they are a danger to them. Hard to deal with emotionally I realise.

All you can do is speak to their Dad and hope he will keep her away from them.
Children should never know the financial side, that is between the parents and at most the cms/courts.
And I don't believe any parent should say anything negative about the other parent in front of the child ever, let alone a GF he doesn't even live with.

You sound lovely, I'm not sure I could have stopped myself ripping her head off and shoving it where the sun doesn't shine.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2018 12:07

“You can not dictate who he has around the children or who he leaves them with unless you can prove they are a danger to them. Hard to deal with emotionally I realise”

Yeah she can. Don’t let him see them anywhere but in her home and let him take her to court.

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 12:10

She can try. Won't work for long though, he'll get the court order and then she really won't be able to dictate anything ever again.
Terrible advice to give out.

maddiemookins16mum · 08/01/2018 12:14

I'm impressed any 4 year old can scour a menu for costs.

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/01/2018 12:20

Bertrandrussell- You would stop a decent Dad having his children and make him take you to court?

I find that very unreasonable and will only harm the co-parenting set up they have as well as harm the children.

justforthisthread101 · 08/01/2018 12:22

Vouchers?! Ha!

Your ex wants to give his head a wobble OP. He'd be well rid of that.

Cupoteap · 08/01/2018 12:26

Wait and hear what he's got to say, hopefully you will not be disappointed

PookieSnackenberger · 08/01/2018 12:26

I absolutely agree that your DD could remember what was said in detail. Not sure why people are surprised by this. Two of my kids were able to remember detailed conversations verbatim at this age.

This is emotional abuse plain and simple. Your DD's reaction gives an indication of how forcefully your ExP GF 'lost it' and I'd be pretty certain it wasn't 'a bit' as both your daughters have been traumatised by it.

I would do everything in my power to ensure she was never, ever allowed any access to them. You need to make your Ex see how serious this is and protect your girls, especially as the two of you have an amicable arrangement. That probably contributes to the GF's reaction.

mustbemad17 · 08/01/2018 12:26

Blacktea surely there would be no need? Because any 'decent dad' would refuse to allow their children to be near a woman who thinks emotional abuse is acceptable.

However if OPs ex thinks it's unreasonable to stop the contact with vile OW, then he is in fact not a 'decent dad' & yeah, i'd make him take me to court!

Viviennebee · 08/01/2018 12:29

I agree with DrMarthaJones. If you go to court he will get an order and the gf WILL be allowed to see your dds. How do I know? . From experience. My ex married a vicious woman who was abusive to my dcs.

I stopped her seeing them, he sided with her (I'll never understand why to this day) . He took me to court and won. It made no difference that my dc spoke to cafcass and told them how their 'stepmother' had been with them.
It was viewed as 'unrealistic' to not allow the father to have his partner be with him when seeing his dcs.
My dc are older now and refuse to see her anymore.

As for everyone commenting on the ability of a four year old to say this or that, ffs leave the OP alone. It's been discussed so many times. Just please concentrate on giving helpful advice.