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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:18

Yes, dd repeated that.
When she started to tell me she was worried because there was "lots of swearing" I told her it was ok to repeat those words this once.
She mispronounced some of it as she is four but she was able to give me a clear enough representation of what had been said to her, how it started, what she had been called and what I had been called.

OP posts:
KayaG · 08/01/2018 09:19

I hope he dumps the cow.

No way would I let her near my children.

MerryMarigold · 08/01/2018 09:19

Wow, I am surprised your dd could remember all those words (especially slut Shock) unless she hears them on a regular basis.

The girlfriend admitted to 'losing it a bit'. Did she perhaps get upset that the 4.5 yr old wasn't listening rather than the stuff about money? What were your dd's EXACT words to you? Because what you've said doesn't sound like it came out of the mouth of a 4yo unless she has an exceptional memory for words.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 09:20

Wow what a psycho cow!

If I was you I would be saying 'sorry but if she is there then our children are not', simple as that.

There is no way your dd isn't going to be happy around her, she's already caused her anxiety. Children don't forget something like this.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:21

On that occasion she was making sure that everything she ordered was less than "1" (pounds) and turning down suggestions of anything more expensive than "2" (pounds) she couldn't tell you what £5.54 minus £1.73 is, but she knows 3 is greater than 1 and costs more money.
She is good with maths and loves to count money (irritating when she has toys for that! Grin ) if you have any doubts about my post being made up I merely ask that you report your concerns to MNHQ. Smile

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 08/01/2018 09:21

If he stays with someone who can speak to a 4 year old like that, he's mad - your poor kids must have been so upset Sad

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2018 09:22

There are several worrying elements to this but uppermost in my mind is that this woman is so aggressive with her shouting and swearing at very young children! I sincerely hope that your ex dumps her - she sounds like a really, really nasty piece of work.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 08/01/2018 09:23

Your 4 1/2 year old repeated all that, in such detail?

PippaSqueaks · 08/01/2018 09:23

That's a pretty long sentence for a 4 year old to remember, especially one that contains words that she wouldn't even know or understand.

Also, do kids only starting school already understand the value of numbers at that age?

Elllicam · 08/01/2018 09:23

That’s horrible OP I would definitely be making sure your children aren’t alone with her again.

Hissy · 08/01/2018 09:24

I'd hope that this dad dumps this GF today for this behaviour towards his dc.

I hope he also realises that he can't have the kids if that woman is around.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 08/01/2018 09:24

My DD was extremely capable with regards to language and could certainly have repeated that sentence at 4.

It's not USUAL but not that rare. Some children are quite advanced.

Elllicam · 08/01/2018 09:24

Oh and my 4 year old would have been able to repeat that too. A lot of 4 year olds are at school is it so hard to believe they can repeat a couple of sentences?

fantasmasgoria1 · 08/01/2018 09:25

People who are sceptical that a four year old could repeat things like that mine could and I did repeat something awful that was said to me to my parents. Op I feel for you and I hope this gets sorted!

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 08/01/2018 09:25

To those saying they don't believe a 4 year old could remember it - 4 year olds are different - DS1 would have remembered words yelled at him (but would have got some wrong - due to not knowing them) - his memory is incredibly good.

DS2 would be able to give a sentence, but not the whole thing (he'd have been in pieces crying and not listening after being yelled at).

I completely believe that OP's daughter could repeat it.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 08/01/2018 09:26

My 4 year could repeat that sentence

FizzyGreenWater · 08/01/2018 09:26

You very calmly say that they are not to see her again, and that if he doesn't support this then you will stop contact until he can demonstrate that he will protect them from abuse. You'll happily take legal advice on this but there is no way they are to be exposed to her again.

You might want to point out that it's in his interests too- they must have been terrified, and I can't imagine that he'd want his little four year old DD to view Daddy's house as a place where she might get screamed at and threatened by strange women. Can't imagine that his relationship with either DD is going to last long in that situation and he'll be left having to deal with two daughters who don't feel safe and loved at his and don't want to stay with him.

Hopefully it will be easily resolved as I cannot imagine any Dad worth the title being happy to continue in this relationship- if he is, you're going to have problems in the future and that in itself would make me more determined to clamp right down and say they're not visiting.

Shockingly abusive and you need to protect them if he won't.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 09:26

What pp are saying about memory:

'I wish you were dead, I never should have had you, you are just like your f***g father. I'm going to put myself in the pond tonight and you can all deal with me being dead'

Said to me age 3, I remember it clear as day, and I can also remember thinking 'shall I tell Mrs Jones (my nursery school teacher) but what if I get into trouble for saying it'

You will be surprised what children can remember in a situation. Please do not ignore what she said.

fannyfelcher · 08/01/2018 09:26

All the people questioning the OP about if the daughter really said that word for word, ffs it is hardly the point when the girlfriend did not deny it! And my eldest daughter had a beautiful knack of repeating things I said word for word. At 3 1/2 years old she told the next door neighbour that his skunk smelled to high heaven and I was going to report him to the landlord. She was supposed to be asleep in her bedroom when I said that but not only did she hear it, she told him the next day. She did stuff like that a lot.

OP, my heart breaks for you and your kids. How bloody awful to be made to feel like an financial inconvenience by somebody that is supposed to know better. Poor girl. I really hope your exh takes it seriously.

pinkhorse · 08/01/2018 09:26

I'm not sure my ds at the age of 4 could remember a sentence like that (he can hardly remember what he did at school 10 seconds after leaving and he's now 8) and I doubt he'd know how to scour for the cheapest prices in a menu.

If the gf did genuinely say that then I wouldn't want my ds around her ever again.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 08/01/2018 09:27

And your 4 1/2 yo can also work out the pricing on menus?

I'm sure something did happen OP, but the way you have presented it here seems to be a bit, umm, embellished.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:28

Written in my post is examples of what had been said, among other things.
Dd's exact words included those things, as well as other things (for eg calling my DD a disablist term I will not repeat, saying that I have scammed him out of thousands, calling my dds useless, saying that he spends x a week on y for dd and I'm evil for allowing it .) I did not claim it was a word for word quotation or that it happened in that order (which is why I said "said things like" not "she said") but when your DD tells you those things, even if they struggle to do so, or get upset, or can't quite remember something you can still get the gist of what had been said. I don't think my dd is a liar, I think she's four and very distressed by what has happened. There'll be things she doesn't remember or doesn't know how to say, there'll be things her brain will replace with other familiar words (of which I don't believe slut is one of them!). But I can't see how this can have an innocent explanation.

OP posts:
Badhairday1001 · 08/01/2018 09:28

That is shocking, your poor children. I would be furious too. Hopefully he is as good a parent as you say and quickly dumps her.

DaisysStew · 08/01/2018 09:29

My sons 3 and repeats entire conversations he's heard word for word, even when he doesn't know what the words mean.

If it was said it anger and it scared her then it's probably stuck in her mind word for word.

I'd be telling my ex that the children would not be going when she was present. He is failing to protect them from emotional abuse.

Enb76 · 08/01/2018 09:29

Also, do kids only starting school already understand the value of numbers at that age?

Yes - when my daughter was that age she could already add and take away and do all number bonds to 20. She could also do her 2, 5 and 10 times table and delighted in boring me by counting to 1000. Lots of children can do this at that age, my daughter is not exceptionally gifted.

I would be worried about my child being with this woman, hopefully your ex will be too.