Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
OlibobTop · 08/01/2018 09:43

In that case OP, no more contact.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 08/01/2018 09:45

I wouldn't worry about the future contact too much. Pretty sure any sane parent would be horrified by this enough to end the relationship.

Honestpotato · 08/01/2018 09:48

Neither of my dc would have considered looking at the prices when selecting what they wanted to eat. They would have really struggled to repeat something word for word, even quite short sentences tbh, even something as horrific as what the GF has said. They would have said something along the lines of, 'she really shouted at me' iygwim.

Both are very bright and have always been quite ahead for their ages, your eldest child must be incredibly bright op to repeat such a thing word for word! I understand though that all children are different and I'm not trying to discredit you.

If I was in your position I would be safeguarding my dc from this woman and this emotional abuse.

Allthewaves · 08/01/2018 09:49

Actually my friends dd could pretty much repeat word for word like that and she's the same age.

RB68 · 08/01/2018 09:49

I think you need to be clear no more unsupervised care from her certainly in the short term (never close the door puts their back against the wall - even if you mean forever!!)

Wait and see what his plan is and how he deals with DD - I would be looking for him to have a conversation with DD which explains that what and how he spends his money is up to him and that he loves her and loves to spend money on her within reason and a small amount of sweeties or a comic is more than fine. He also needs to be saying GF was out of order to do what she did. I would be looking for him to make GF apologise to 4 yr old too but realise that could cause alot of bad feeling so would play that by ear

Allthewaves · 08/01/2018 09:50

Anyone else thinking he's been using money as an excuse not to progress relationship futher with gf?

MrsMotherHen · 08/01/2018 09:51

Shes a bitch!!!!

I would ask for no unsupervised access with her at all. Nasty peice of work she is shouting at a 4 year old! What does your ex think of all this?

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 09:51

would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?

It's all very well posters saying "she wouldn't be allowed my children" or "I wouldn't have her near my kids", but you have no jurisidiction here. If he wants her around them, they will be. If he wants to have her mind them, she will. There isn't anything you can actually do.

So go softly and hope that he does the right thing, because you can't make him and if you try to you risk ruining the parenting relationship you have.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2018 09:55

“It's all very well posters saying "she wouldn't be allowed my children" or "I wouldn't have her near my kids", but you have no jurisidiction here”

Well, she does. She can just not let the children out of her care, and let him take her to court. She has already lost the parenting relationship she thought she had because he is not protecting his children from an abuser.

HisBetterHalf · 08/01/2018 09:56

I hope he dumps her, what a horrible jealous person.

whiskyowl · 08/01/2018 09:57

I think you're handling this sensibly. You need to put your personal feelings aside and talk to your ex in a way that is businesslike and utterly rational. Since he has noticed a change in your DD himself (since he asked you about her new behaviour) hopefully he will see the need to take action on this. Obviously, it's not tactical to try to dictate his relationships to him, but you can raise this as a welfare/anxiety concern. I would avoid any comment on the appropriacy of the ex's behaviour as unwise and likely to backfire, and focus entirely on the effects on your DD and your concerns about being able to coparent effectively in future.

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 09:59

Well, she does. She can just not let the children out of her care, and let him take her to court. She has already lost the parenting relationship she thought she had because he is not protecting his children from an abuser

Well if she wants to keep them from the father they love and go to court where he will get the access back anyway and then he will have a court order for them to spend time with the mad girlfriend anyway, as well as ruining the coparenting relationship, yes, I guess she could. Easy for you to advise, but it would make her life hard.

whiskyowl · 08/01/2018 09:59

Ooops, posted too soon. Wanted to finish up by saying - you basically need to leave him space to draw his own conclusions about this woman's behaviour, and take action as something that is coming from him. In my experience, telling people they should dump someone rarely ends well! I'd keep the restriction of access back as a secondary measure and try a softly-softly approach first. No point creating conflict in an otherwise harmonious relationship if you don't need to.

KERALA1 · 08/01/2018 10:01

As whisky says. Damp down your entirely justifiable anger and talk to ex in an adult, calm ,concerned way. I would explain its emotional abuse and the effects are clear and this will upset and potentially damage your extremely young children so she cannot see them, for the children's sake. Point out that to date you have been cooperative and reasonable.

TattyCat · 08/01/2018 10:01

For those questioning the child remembering what was said - the GF has admitted 'losing it'. What do you suppose she said, then?

Greensleeves · 08/01/2018 10:03

I'd write him a formal letter detailing exactly what she said and th effect on your girls. Make a reasonable request that they not come into contact with her again, and if there are any further incidents then you will stop contact with a view to going to court.

No fucking way would I just keep sending them to be exposed to that.

Somerford · 08/01/2018 10:06

I don't think your children should ever have to see her again, supervised or not. Your ExH will finish with her immediately if he understands how serious this is and he loves his daughters.

Also I don't have any problem believing that a 4 year old could recall and repeat what was said. She may not have fully understood it but if this woman was screaming and had obviously lost control, the fear and heightened anxiety that your daughter experienced at the time makes it entirely plausible that the memory of it is crystal clear and won't be going anywhere for a long time. She'll replay it in her mind every time she sees this woman.

TitaniasCloset · 08/01/2018 10:10

She sounds abusive and unhinged. Funny how she can start an affair with your ex while you are pregnant then call you the slut and money grabber.

Your children are far too small to be screamed at, not that any child should, but your children are tiny.

If your ex gets this woman pregnant everyone's lives are going to be a misery from that pint on, there will be no getting rid of her and she doesn't have the kindness to raise a child.

TitaniasCloset · 08/01/2018 10:10

Point.

Ellendegeneres · 08/01/2018 10:10

As with pp, my ds at 3 could recite several Julia Donaldson books. At 4 and a half he can confidently tell me exact conversations, body and facial expressions and is a reliable source of information (much to many people’s dismay- he can drop you right in it!)
So I certainly believe you op. My advice as with others is to focus on the main points- she is clearly a risk to your children, she is not to be around them anymore- no discussion about it.
If your ex stays with her... well it says an awful lot about him. If my dp came out with any of that, made my dc feel like that, I’d end it without hesitation. Absolutely awful, your poor dc

PinaColadaSong · 08/01/2018 10:11

Annoys the hell out of me when people jump in with "are you SURE your 4.5yr old could say/do that?" FFS not all children are the same developmentally!!

My DS could've repeated that sentence no problem age 4.5 - although he wouldn't have known what the words meant or even that "slut" is a swear word because he'd never have heard it before.

He knew the value of lower numbers, knew which coins had a higher or lower value and could do simple multiplication before he started school - so I believe you OP!!

I think you're doing very well not to round and pull her head off, it would take every ounce of restraint for me.

It's a difficult one for your ex, but I suspect this may not be her only outburst (although maybe the first directed at your DC) and it's highly likely she's been getting jibes in and nagging him for a while, hopefully this will be the straw that breaks the camels back and he'll get rid!

TitaniasCloset · 08/01/2018 10:16

If he doesn't reconsider his relationship after this he is extremely selfish. I really think your children are at risk being around her. I wouldn't trust her to look after my dog to be frank.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 08/01/2018 10:17

Your Poor girls being exposed to her screaming rant. I hope your Dh does come down on your side with this and either dump the crazy woman or at least never allow her near the girls.
My oldes Ds could have repeated that, word for word with expression too, he also knew money at that age and could tell what item was cheaper based on it being 1, 2, or 3 pounds, not the pence. Youngest Dd could do it too.

RubyRed2017 · 08/01/2018 10:17

Your poor DD. Its appalling that anyone could say that to a child. Its heart-breaking that she then felt she couldn't ask her dad to spend money on her.

I hope you are able to talk calmly with the ex about this and that he dumps the GF like a shot. If anyone said this to my child I would never see them again.

Peekaboo3 · 08/01/2018 10:18

What the fuck is wrong with people? Is it really out of the realms of your mindset that a girl of FOUR would have remembered what that woman said, and was able to repeat it back?! Hmm

Some kids are bright, and girls are especially advanced. (Not saying boys are are not intelligent, just that girls are earlier learners.)

Like several other posters, I also remember a few nasty things said to me by certain people, from when I was 3 to 5 years old. And my daughter could count to 50 at the age of 3. So don't assume because your kids (or you) were not so advanced, that other peoples children are not.

I believe the girl AND the OP 100% because I have known jealous and bitchy new girlfriends SAY that kind of thing, because they can't bear it that the ex wife/ex girlfriend is still getting money from their man.

Well too fucking right she is, because they are HIS CHILDREN. He doesn't get to walk away from his responsibility, and his girlfriend needs to suck it up, or fuck off.

I would absolutely be telling my ex that our children are no longer going to be with him and HER unless supervised by a mediator, or with me there. And I would tell him why. And I also believe she has been dictating what the kids eat.

The new girlfriend sounds like a cunt.

I hope he knows what he has got himself into.

But yeah, quit the 'I don't believe the child said that' bollocks. So rude. Hmm

Oh and yes the OP can intervene and stop this woman seeing her if she thinks the safety and welfare of the children are at risk. And it sounds that way, as the 'new girlfriend' sounds unhinged.