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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
PippaSqueaks · 08/01/2018 09:29

OK, I stand corrected. Children are obviously more precocious these days than I thought.

CherryMaDeara · 08/01/2018 09:30

That's abuse. I wouldn't want her to want even supervised access to the dc. What happens when leaves the room? She's unhinged, if not evil. That's how things like denying kids food as punishment starts.

If your ex stays with her, it's clear he no longer has the girls' best interests at heart.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/01/2018 09:31

Embellished or not - advice is actually the same.

If the girlfriend has admitted that she 'lost it a bit' and yelled at her BF's tiny four year old and baby when left alone with them - end of any contact.

Simple child protection issue, doesn't matter if she swore or not or what the yelling was about really.

She is not safe to have around the children, and certainly frightening and abusive.

muttmad · 08/01/2018 09:32

For those doubting this child's abilities
My daughter has just turned 5 but she could talk the hind legs off a donkey by the time she was 3! She would have been perfectly capable of repeating a conversation such as this at the age of 4, I don't think that's that unusual? This child is at school, not a toddler!

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:33

Could my dd tell you that x costs y? No.
Could my dd tell you that £7 minus £5.50 is £1.50? Nope.
Can she understand that things cost money and that something that's £3 costs more than something that's £"1"(she refers to money only numerically and not by currency) yeah. She can. If that's so unbelievable then not only am I surprised I implore you to report my post. I'll report it myself too, if you'd like.

I have no interest in arguing about my dds academic ability (great in some ways, behind in others, like most kids) with a bunch of strangers online. I asked for advise, I have lots of people telling me I am a liar. If you believe that I am trolling please report it. Otherwise please advise (or advise someone else on another thread).

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 08/01/2018 09:33

PippaSqueaks, indeed. Must be the flouride in the water.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2018 09:33

Then I would refuse to let my dd go anywhere near her again. If I could, I would also insist that she only sees her father at my house- he is not a good father if he allows anyone like this access to his daughter.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/01/2018 09:33

My DD could have remembered and repeated back a sentence like that from that age. She was an early talker and her memory is excellent.

Her brother is only 3.5 and couldn't, but does know the value of numbers up to 10 and which are lowest and highest.

I believe you OP, and I hope your ex dumps that nasty bitch so fast her head spins.

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/01/2018 09:34

I find it hard to believe that a 4 year old scours the menu looking for the cheapest thing. How does she know how to do that?

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 08/01/2018 09:35

Also, FWIW, one of my sons did hear the word slut at about that age, but not being familiar with it, he misinterpreted it, and came home and asked me why B's mummy had called her neighbour a slug.

Darcychu · 08/01/2018 09:35

Its really scary that someone would talk to a 4 yr old like that, its verbal and emotional abuse!! I woulfnt let her even talk to them again let alone see them. Poor kids

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:37

Zaphodsotherhead
Please read my above post.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 08/01/2018 09:37

Advice is very straightforward.

She is not to have any contact with them. If he is going to continue the relationship, you don't let them go to his house.

Offer to facilitate contact at yours and externally but if he wants them to visit his home then he can take it to court and explain why he thinks it's good parenting and safe for them to continue to even want someone like this in his own 'family circle'.

It is simple child protection. What next when she 'loses it a bit' - a slap? A shove? More abuse for your 4 year old to absorb?

If he's a good father, he will be ending this relationship instantly. If he's planning to prioritise this relationship above his DDs and see someone who can treat them badly as a suitable partner - he's not a good dad.

Starlighter · 08/01/2018 09:37

That woman sounds emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my children and certainly not alone with her ever again.

It’s nice that you have an amicable relationship with your ex, but if he will not protect your children from this woman then you will need to go down the official route.

It’s horrendous what she said but this is only the stuff you know about! What else had she said and done to them over the past year?!

Your children’s well-being is paramount here. I personally think this is really serious, the sort of thing damages children. I hope your ex does the right thing.

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 09:38

My neice used to parrot things back word for word at that age. She didn’t always understand the meaning, but she def remembered the words. I can believe you OP.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:38

Darcychu
As I said earlier I think someone who does that must be deranged.
It's a really awful thing to say to a child. Any of it is. And I worry how much further she would go given the chance so I don't want her around my DDs I hope ex is reasonable about this and sees my side.

OP posts:
fallenblossom · 08/01/2018 09:38

My four year old is able to repeat and report back, so it is entirely possible that OP's little girl has done just that, and fairly accurately.

The menu bit no. I can't see how a four year old can process the words of the gf, and then apply it to menu selection.. I know my 4 year old couldn't.

But that doesn't matter. OP, this woman was left in charge of a baby and a 4 year old and you were ok with that? I wouldn't have been, and frankly if how she spoke to them turns out to be true I would expect my ex to end the relationship. Successful co-parenting relies on trust and a certain degree of respect. How could you ever allow your girls to be in her company again!

I would want to smack her one, but that's me. Keep her away from your kids would be my advice.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2018 09:39

Yes. If the relationship is still going on, then supervised access only. Let him take you to court. He is not a wonderful co parent.

CindyCrawford2 · 08/01/2018 09:40

Please make him realise how serious this is. This will just be the start of it if he stays with her. Anyone who can talk to children in this way is very dangerous - she obviously massively resents your poor innocent children. We have had this same situation in our family. This is a form of child abuse - it wasn't stopped in the early days in our family, due to my brother's weakness, we warned him about how his new wife was treating his young son from his previous marriage, but he did nothing and allowed the "abuse" to carry on - his answer to this was to cut himself off from the rest of the family and him and his new wife tried to stop us (unsuccessfully thanks to my ex-sister in law standing up to him and his new wife) from seeing his son and years later this "abuse" from my brother's new wife towards his young son has caused his now grown up son serious, life-threatening mental health problems. Thankfully, she is now long gone from all our lives but the effect she had on his son, slagging off his mother re money etc (exactly the same as your situation e.g. you take all our money, your mother is a lazy cow etc and constantly criticising and threatening him) has had long lasting repercussions. My mum and I were outed from my brother's life, at new wife's insistence (again, he was very weak) but we saw my nephew regularly via his ex-wife (nephew's mother). This evil woman did everything she could to make the lives of my nephew and his mother a misery. Please make your ex realise the damage this jealous woman could potentially do to your children in years to come if he stays with her.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 09:41

I'm a bit annoyed with the fact they were left with her in the first place tbh.
But I do trust that it was a short amount of time and that he made a decision with their best interests at heart - i doubt he could've foreseen what happened

OP posts:
Scrumptiousbears · 08/01/2018 09:41

OP. Personally if I was in your position and with your information regarding how well you coparent and ex's commitment to your DD I'd hear him out and see what he is going to do about it. Only if you are not satisfied would I tell him of your expectations. He may come round and be on the same page as you are so give him the opportunity before dictating anything.

ItsNachoCheese · 08/01/2018 09:41

I wouldnt let her near your dd's again she sounds horrible

Jigglytuff · 08/01/2018 09:41

I would also not want my children to see her again full stop. And he's not a good dad if he continues a relationship with her.

Lizzie48 · 08/01/2018 09:42

Children are all different. DD1 (now 8) wouldn't have repeated something like that, but DD2 (now 5) definitely could. It was an absolutely vile thing to say to a little girl and I hope he kicks her into touch.

I'm shocked at the number of posters focusing on whether a child that age would or wouldn't be able to remember word for word what was said to her. Not very nice at all. Hmm

Willow2017 · 08/01/2018 09:43

My teen was talkingvin sentances at 2 years old. Remembering what an adult said wouldn't have been a problem for him at all. He could recite several entire Julia Donaldson books at 4.

Why are people so argumentative when they dont know the ops child at all? Its not being precocious or something thats new for kids to be able to do at all. Plus 4yr olds can tell the difference between £1 and £2 why is that so difficult to understand?

Hope your ex tells her where to go op. The nasty stupid selfish bitch.