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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
mehhh · 09/01/2018 07:24

Yanbu.... she sounds like a grabber and a nasty person! Should absolutely not be talking to your children like that!!

WillowKnicks · 09/01/2018 07:27

Bloody hell Astrid I'm more amazed that a grown woman would post 6 messages on a 9 page thread without first reading it, than a 4 year being able to recite back a conversation Hmm

RogueBiscuit · 09/01/2018 07:29

There's some really daft posts on here. People actually doubt that a 4 year old can string a sentence together? Glad Its worked out Op.

CaledonianQueen · 09/01/2018 07:34

I am so glad your ex has put his children first!

If it helps OP, my children were both very articulate from an early age (I taught ds baby sign language from 5 months) and at three he could name and classify almost every dinosaur that ever lived! He still had some sweet words that were his own, my personal favourite was hospible instead of hospital. At almost three DS recounted an argument between my DH and MIL to me and DH was dumbfounded as he was almost word for word right (using his own pronunciations of course). Those doubting the op really ought to take a look at a nursery class, there is an enormous difference in the abilities that each child has! Children learn at different rates! They always have and they always will! Having a vocally advanced four-year-old who can recognise her numbers and their cardinal worth is honestly not that unusual.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2018 07:36

So glad that he's seen the light and got rid of her - she clearly resented you and the children for fucking up her beautiful relationship with your ex, so it's good that he's seen that in her and chosen his DDs over her.

I have no problem believing that your DD was able to repeat the gist of what she said. Parrots at that age, they are. DS2 is just 5 and for the past year I've had to be really more careful what I say in front of him because he will bring it out again, word for word, at the most inappropriate times! He wouldn't understand what a slut was but he'd remember the word.

When I was 3, apparently my parents caught me saying "bastard, bastard" over and over, and then another time "su-i-cide, su-i-cide" because I liked the sound of the words. NO idea what they meant, of course, just liked the sounds.

Anyway - good outcome, hope he picks the next GF better!

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 07:38

My DD would have been able to recite that conversation as well OP.

ChaosNeverRains · 09/01/2018 07:48

I think you only have to walk into the average school playground to get the gist of what some four year olds are capable of remembering. Wink and even if she hadn’t remembered entirely accurately the GF had admitted to losing it in front of the kids, something which was entirely out of order esp given she doesn’t even live there.

I wonder whether some of the nay-sayers are so because they’re not comfortable with the idea that there are new partners/potential and existing step parents who are that obsessed with the amount of money their partner’s ex is getting or more to the point, they are not getting. But there really are. My ex’s partner is obsessed with money. More to the point, with his money, and she has had various screaming fits about it in front of my dc, and screaming fits about how much money she doesn’t get for her other kids in front of and at her own dc.

My DC are teens now so have decided on their own to have nothing to do with her. I don’t know what eXH’s thoughts are, but they have children together so it’s likely not that easy for him to leave if he wanted to. .

Glad your ex got rid of this one though.

HannaSolo · 09/01/2018 07:58

Glad to see it's worked out OP.

As an aside to the Astrids of the thread....

I'm not sure what's pissing me off more recently- the trolls or the troll hunters Hmm

If you have concerns - FFS report them. Don't derail a thread just to prove your amazing sense of trolldar. It's getting very irritating.

OlibobTop · 09/01/2018 08:14

I actually quite like it when I get alerted to the fact that it's a troll thread (not talking about this one).

I don't realise otherwise and I hate getting sucked in.

YearOfYouRemember · 09/01/2018 08:17

OP, hope your child went to sleep quickly.

It's lovely to see a father who does put his children before his personal life.

I'd post about how my dd could read at 2 but the troll hunters might faint Hmm.

Jigglytuff · 09/01/2018 08:23

Glad your ex has seen sense.

AstridWhite · 09/01/2018 08:25

Yes Soup I've had several, which is why I find some of this far fetched. It's not about the ability to remember a word, it's more a timescale and context thing. Neither am I questioning that some 4 year olds can read prices on a menu and understand that a higher number means it costs more pennies.

I am saying it's highly, highly unusual for a child of that age to even give the concept of cost any consideration when being handed a menu, even if they are ahead of their peers in numeracy.

If her father noticed this and the fact she was no longer asking for treats then why didn't he just ask his DD about it himself? he spends enough time with her. Confused

I am not saying the OP is a troll or a liar. The worst I would accuse her of is perhaps asking her DD very leading questions and putting words into her mouth in a bid to get the full picture and then getting a bit carried away with what she thinks her DD said happened.

I completely believe that child overheard something about money being given to her mother though, or has had something said directly to her about it.

If she'd come to her mum at the time or shortly afterwards and said 'Mummy what does slut mean?' then I'd believe it. But it didn't happen like that.

Do I believe she heard the word once, weeks ago and has been able to recall it accurately without being led in any way, weeks later? No I don't believe that, sorry.

But I mean it when I say that she has done all these things then she must be exceptionally bright.

The other possibility is that she is used to hearing the word slut and has some understanding of what it means and how it might be used. That would be a different matter altogether.

evilstepmumagain · 09/01/2018 08:50

Wow if I'd done that to my step kids I'd fully expect their mum to smash my face in!
You're doing well OP me and DH aren't split up but I don't doubt he'd have a girlfriend not long after if we ever did. And if I was in your position I would be apoplectic! Horrible cunt I hope he dumps her sorry arse!!!!

BatShite · 09/01/2018 09:09

Great update.

PinkyBlunder · 09/01/2018 09:16

Astrid do you have experience of young kids because it doesn’t sound like it, you’re vastly underestimating them. You might like to watch The Secret Life of 4 Year Olds on Channel 4. There’s one particular episode where one of the children repeats a whole conversation whilst pretending to be on the phone and it went something along the lines of ‘don’t call again X I’ve told you before she’s not yours!’ How do you think specialists get kids to talk about abuse and crimes they’ve witnessed? 4 year olds are astute beings.

Anyway my 4 year old recites film scrips without understanding a word. She also knows the value of money and numbers - they learn that in reception class. She has help to read a menu but likes to know what all the words and numbers aren’t if she can’t read it herself. I’ve not only doubt she makes decisions on what I’ve been helping her to read. They also learn about context in reception class.

Glad your Ex has stepped up OP. Sounds like you both handled that situation brilliantly. Not sure I could’ve kept so calm and cool so kudos to you!

PinkyBlunder · 09/01/2018 09:17

She like she go know what all the numbers aren’t?! I mean ARE obvs Confused

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2018 09:21

I remember once telling my DS1 that if he didn't start to behave himself, I'd leave him out for the wolves. I was very upset and frustrated and it wasn't my finest moment by any measure. He was 3 at the time.

Six WEEKS later, he got around to saying "Mummy, you wouldn't really leave me out for the wolves, would you? are there any wolves here?"

Six WEEKS.

NeandathalWoman · 09/01/2018 09:24

I find it extremely hard to believe that's what the daughter or your EX's partner said. I imagine the exes partner just mentioned about not wasting money as she works hard for a low income and doesn't have an ex partner bombarding her wish cash each week. Sorry OP I don't believe it.

As he sounds like he has them a lot, do you think you could accept a lower maintenance and maybe work more hours yourself or just go without luxuries?

Just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean you should do it. I read a thread a couple of days ago about a man who has full custody of the children and she stole all his nappies, he mentioned that he doesn't make her pay maintenance and he's making do. I found it admirable, wish women could be like that.

NeandathalWoman · 09/01/2018 09:26

My Mum never took a penny from my Dad when she could have done. He would contribute to school trips, presents, clothes etc. But never was it an arrangement for him to just put mass money in my Mum's account, they're separated and he had me during the week, spending time and money on me then. Worked perfectly and was very fair.

Lizzie48 · 09/01/2018 09:27

It was the OP's own DD, NeaderthalWoman, for goodness sake RTFT!!

OlibobTop · 09/01/2018 09:29

I found it admirable, wish women could be like that.

Sorry, you sound like you think the majority of women accepting maintenance from their exes are money grabbing?

You do realise that there is an enormous problem in society at large with men not paying for their children?

The legal entitlement is f all IMO.

Lizzie48 · 09/01/2018 09:31

Anyway, in this case the two of them are happy with the financial arrangements as they are. It was none of the GF's business as they weren't living together anyway.

Original poster
CantBringMeDown · 09/01/2018 09:36

I should work more hours so my ex doesn't have to pay the legal minimum Grin (which by the way he'd be legally obliged to, even if it's not well enforced)
Wow, I've heard it all. I mean, shit, the troll hunting was one thing but this is just something else...
😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 09/01/2018 09:51

Can't believe some of the ignorant and goady posts on here. Some people clearly have no idea what intelligent and articulate school age children are capable of.

Great news that Ex has stepped up to the mark and dumped the bitch GF.

fallenblossom · 09/01/2018 09:57

NeanderthalWoman - What an apt screen name.

Well done OP. really pleased to read your ex put your girls first.