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Original poster

To really dislike ex's girlfriend for trying to meddle and harm my daughters?

286 replies

CantBringMeDown · 08/01/2018 08:57

ExH pays a larger amount of maintenance than most, but it's still "only"the set legal amount.
We have 2 dcs (dd11 months and dd 4.5yr old) he has 11 month old dd one full day including night then one evening and one day time.
He picks older dd up from school, takes her for dinner or to his home until 4:30/5pm then brings her home. This happens 1-3x a week dependent on his ability due to his very tough work schedule.
He also has older dd the same night as younger dd.
we both try to be flexible and coparent wonderfully.
A few weeks ago oldest dd started being very nervous whenever ex would try to buy her anything, she started scouring menus for the cheapest item and stopped asking for little things whenever she went into shops with ex - nothing major just the usual sweet or magazine she'd want. Ex asked if I'd said anything to her I truthfully said no. It's now come to light that, when ex left the girls with his GF she had a screaming fit at them (unsure how the youngest would've understood it but she had been very restless for a few days after) this has really effected eldest DD.
the gf said things like "your slut of a mother takes his fucking money every week! I can't fucking stand how irritating you are. Do you know how much you cost us?!"
I'm so angry and I really dislike the GF now. I don't know how ex plans to deal with it but would I be unreasonable to say she can never have the girls without being supervised by ex or someone else and ask him to limit their contact with her?
For further info, he's a high earner, she's a shop assistant. They don't live together. It's not like it's coming out of joint money. It's his money and we're happy with how things are. He has no idea why she has done this but I haven't been able to talk to him properly about a resolution yet.

OP posts:
DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 12:31

However if OPs ex thinks it's unreasonable to stop the contact with vile OW, then he is in fact not a 'decent dad' & yeah, i'd make him take me to court

So you'd blackmail him into dumping his GF by witholding his children from him? A court would not look kindly on that, and you could easily find yourself having to hand them over to 50/50 care, WITH the girlfriend.
People just don't think their silly advice through.

LightDrizzle · 08/01/2018 12:31

💐 I’m crossing my fingers for the next news you hear being that they are no longer seeing each other. If he’s the parent you think him, I think it spells curtains, I couldn’t respect a person who behaved like that and I wouldn’t ever want them around my children, he will be very worried about the effect on your 4 year old and the impact on her feelings when visiting him.

Many gf and stepmothers do NOT share her immature and selfish views; my then bf and now husband paid generous maintenance, in excess of then CSA calculations and later initiated and sole funded his daughter attending a private day school. His ex-wife was/is a relatively low earner and as his daughter spent about 60% of her time in her mum’s household, of course he wanted them to be able to afford things. I wouldn’t countenance a man who viewed maintenance of his children as something to be dodged and shirked to the best of his ability.

His girlfriend is just awful.

Mamabear4180 · 08/01/2018 12:34

No contact with the ex's GF definitely, for them or yourself OP. She sounds absolutely vile and it's bad for YOU and the children to be anywhere near her.

He may be a great father (as far as you know) but to allow his gf to humiliate you talking about vouchers and to leave the kids with her was out of order imo. He must know her better than you do so it was very poor judgement.

The children are now victims of emotional abuse, there is no way you can trust this woman again.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 08/01/2018 12:42

I'd be interested to know what your ExH said when his GF admitted she may have 'lost it' at his 4 yo and 11 month old!? Hopefully something along the lines of 'How dare you raise your voice at my children? Who do you think you are?'. Really worrying that this was something that happened when she was left alone for a short amount of time with the children. Like she'd been planning it.

Hopefully your ExH will either a) dump her sorry arse or b) never let her be alone with your children again. Do let us know what he says, OP.

mustbemad17 · 08/01/2018 12:42

DrMartha you have absolutely no idea what experience i have in this type of situation, so please kindly keep your sarcastic comments to yourself.
It's okay for a grown woman to abuse vulnerable children but it isn't okay for the mother to issue an ultimatum? OP has said her ex doesn't live with Ow, so there is no push for him to end the relationship, thus no emotional blackmail. It's a simple case of priorities.

Oh & fwiw? A family member of mine successfully got supervised contact only with her DC dad via court because his new wife was a vicious bitch who reduced the children to quivering wrecks. As MN has shown countless times, one person's experience isn't a blanket rule

Alicetherabbit · 08/01/2018 12:45

OP hope that it all gets sorted, I think your exDH sounds like he wants the best for also so hopefully will keep her away. As for a four year old repeating, of course she could remember it, it was traumatic for her. My two year repeated, "what you doing you absolute idiot" , word for word what I'd said two days prior to a car that pulled out on me.....

GrooovyLass · 08/01/2018 12:46

Wow. Your babies need to be kept away from this woman, hopefully your ex will see sense and kick her to the kerb asap.

As an aside, for those of you who have said a 4yo wouldn't be able to repeat what was said to her. You'll be the lucky ones whose DC have never blurted out things you thought you'd said under your breath at inopportune moments...

ChaosNeverRains · 08/01/2018 12:46

Let’s not write the man off as a father just yet shall we?

He’s said he will sort it, he’s coming round to speak to the OP tonight. Withholding contact and court orders aren’t even on the cards at this point.

And to be honest the sentiment of the new girlfriend is by no means unique, even if the way in which she has expressed it is way out there.

Plenty of posts on MN from new partners complaining about the amount of maintenance their partners have to pay their ex’s and plenty of posters prepared to uphold their side of the argument. My ex also has one of those as it happens but the children are older. Now and refuse to have anything to do with her, which also means that they have no relationship with their half siblings.

But the OP’s ex does appear to have his children’s interests at heart or he wouldn’t have picked up in a difference in the behaviour of the eldest child. So worth giving the benefit of the doubt before resorting to demands and court orders.

Figgygal · 08/01/2018 12:49

Well she sounds delightful
I would be insisting on no contact with her until she could apologise and only then supervise contact with your ex until further notice.

Loyaultemelie · 08/01/2018 12:51

Sounds like you have good reason to be optimistic ex will handle the situation well. I'm just Shock at vouchers but he didn't rise to her crap there. It's a warning for him how she would behave though if they were ever to have DCs of their own she would expect yours to be completely pushed to the side and hopefully he will now be thinking hard, as he seems to be a good dad up to now

DrMarthaJones · 08/01/2018 12:51

It's okay for a grown woman to abuse vulnerable children but it isn't okay for the mother to issue an ultimatum?

Neither are ok. Surprised anyone needs telling that.

CritEqual · 08/01/2018 12:52

If this goes courtward then everyone will start scouring menus for the cheapest option. Terrible advice, especially given the op and ex have a cordial co-parenting relationship. I think having a sensible chat which it sounds like you're having will bear fruit.

Bear in mind this woman, and I'm not excusing her behaviour towards the DC for a moment just giving context. She was with him post breakup. You mention you dumped him so I doubt he was over the moon at being ejected from his own family, and I'm sure she probably saw the worst of him through that period. There may be conflicted emotions. Given dd 2 is only 11 months this is still early days for everyone. Agree ex's gf probably shouldn't be unsupervised with the kids, but I have the feeling that would suit her.

YearOfYouRemember · 08/01/2018 13:13

Even if the dd or poster had exaggerated, and I believe the OP, there is no way such young children would be around a girlfriend/friend who can't control their temper when with a baby and reception aged child.

friedchickenfrickin · 08/01/2018 13:22

I'm still shocked when I see threads like this. How the fuck does anyone have the brass neck to try and get involved in co-parenting when they aren't her biological children. Absolutely disgusting. It's not an episode of Eastenders, it's real life. This shit can affect children growing up so badly. You're absolutely right to put a stop to her seeing them op. I'm hopeful your ex will have the same opinion.

HannaSolo · 08/01/2018 13:27

I believe you OP - DS could have recounted such an incident at that age and also had an awareness that some items cost "pounds" and bigger ones cost "notes" I think it's just experience as I used to take him to the shop for a treat sometimes and he liked being given the money to pay for himself.

That said - what to do.

I think you're right to speak to your Ex. The problem is, whilst you can ask that she doesn't look after them unsupervised, you can't enforce that.

As such you need to find a way for him to come to the same conclusion.

You say he's a good father, so to a degree you need to put your faith in that. He's already witnessed the prior conversation about "vouchers" and she's admitted she "lost it a bit" with the kids - so this revelation isn't out of the blue nor is it without credence.

In your case I'd ask him to come over and speak directly to your DD. I think hearing what happened from her will highlight that this wasn't "losing it a bit" but a full on swearing rant at a small child that was totally unacceptable.

If he is as good a father as you say, he should be mortified hearing his daughter repeat those swear words and description of how she's a drain on his finances.

I don't know how he then could come to any other conclusion that he should dump her not allow any future interaction with his children.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 13:55

Be careful that you're not too reasonable. This women resents your young children and she has shown that she cannot be left alone with them. If your ex can see that she has her sights set on his money and that she feels she is in competition with his small daughters, and still stays with her, I'd question his judgement.

And if he does want to keep the relationship, the very least he can do is ensure your 4 year old is protected from any more bullying. If he says something like "I'll make sure she's not alone with them" it's not good enough.

Coyoacan · 08/01/2018 14:06

I would want to claw her eyes out, frankly.

My ex's new wife said something horrible (nothing like as bad or as traumatising as in this case) to my then three-year-old and I loathed her for years.

I can't believe Dr. Martha's opinion. From what the OP has said the father sounds like he will at least make sure the children will never be in the company of that woman again. But if he didn't, I would definitely limit contact and make him take me to court.

BatShite · 08/01/2018 14:16

Wow what a horrible cunt she is. Hopefully he splits up with her over this, any decent dad would surely...

ChaosNeverRains · 08/01/2018 14:35

People do need to think carefully before just advising someone to “let him take her to court.” The girlfriend is out of line, no question. However we are talking about a co parenting relationship for the next seventeen years here which will be totally obliterated if the OP A, just withholds access, and B, lets him take her to court.

And there are very few instances where a court will uphold the need for no access based on one incident, and what happens if the courts give greater access to the ex meaning that the OP loses out anyway? And even if they don’t, chances of co parenting successfully in the future will be completely obliterated.

This man appears to have his children’s interests at heart. It’s not for anyone here to say he should dump her or else. We may all wish that for the OP and the DC, but one of the drawbacks of no longer being with your child’s other parent is that you have very little say in what goes on in their other home. In this instance the OP has the ability to communicate with her ex, something which is lacking for many of us on here. That ability should be upheld over the need to start issuing demands and threats.

Coyoacan · 08/01/2018 14:51

Chaos, most people are assuming that the father will at least make sure that the children never spend time with the gf again. We all lose our shit with our children at times, but not so much that they are seriously upset for days afterwards. Would you want that for your children?

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 08/01/2018 17:35

Has he contacted you yet OP?

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 17:51

This man appears to have his children’s interests at heart.

It's not uncommon for part time fathers to have their kids best interests at heart, until suddenly they don't. If this guy stays with his girlfriend after hearing - and witnessing - the impact of her emotional abuse on his daughter, then he may be another man who puts his sex life above his children's welfare. Hopefully the OP will come back and update, and fingers crossed her ex will prove that he does have their best interests at heart.

Whiterabbitears · 08/01/2018 17:51

OP I believe your DD could remember the words, at 4 both mine would have been able to especially if its something that upset or frightened them. Your poor DD SadAngry

The GF can FUCK RIGHT OFF. How dare she? Your ex sounds a reasonable man and its clear she's jealous of his good relations with you and his kids. I would insist that she not be unsupervised around them and if he didn't agree to that then I would be rethinking levels of contact. Your DDs should not be bearing the brunt of her resentment.

HannaSolo · 08/01/2018 18:30

@TakeTheCrown

Yes that's true, but I think you have to start with the premise that his past behaviour is likely to be indicative of how he will deal with this issue.

As such work on the basis he will do the right thing before the OP goes in all guns blazing and talking about stopping contact or going to court.

Obviously if that turns out not be be the case then you need to be more forceful but I think you need to give the Father the opportunity to address this himself as a first step based on the OP's posts.

SmashingCucurbita · 08/01/2018 18:32

Op I hope it goes well and he gets rid of her. If he doesn’t I think your absolutely right not to let her be near your children.

I had a swimming lesson at the age of just four where the teacher threatened to fucking murder me, then kill my mum and siblings because I accidentally grabbed her swimsuit and pulled it down when I slipped under the water. I can remember her word for word and the look on her face so I can well believe your daughter could recite it word for word.