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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 07/01/2018 19:55

Was it worth the kerfuffle it caused?

Shannaratiger · 07/01/2018 19:55

YANBU your cousin should grow a back bone and discipline her child!

FluffyWuffy100 · 07/01/2018 19:58

There shouldn’t have been a kefuffle, the cousin should learn how to parent a bit more effectively.

RuLu · 07/01/2018 19:58

Maybe the cousin should have brought something to entertain her child?! YANBU!

Screamer1 · 07/01/2018 19:58

4 year olds can tantrum. Your cousin should have stepped in but I personally would have just said take it , if only to get them out of my hair.

RavingRoo · 07/01/2018 19:58

That child was FOUR. I know she seems a lot older compared to a 6 month old, but she is still a child. You were being very unreasonable for being so protective over a rattle your own child wouldn’t even miss.

Pickleypickles · 07/01/2018 19:59

YANBU

QueenNefertitty · 07/01/2018 19:59

Your cousin sounds totally and utterly feckless.

Ignoring a tantrum is an entirely valid way to deal with it - I use this when DS is going nuclear. He's entering terrible 2s ... at 16 months... and I'm handling most of the tantrums with excessive (feigned) calm, reassurance and if he's really going mad/ hitting/ biting (rare, but quite shocking) by actively ignoring him, stepping away for a moment until he stops being aggressive (then he gets a firm reminder that we use gentle hands, and a cuddle).

But this doesn't sound like she was handling anything. More like passive ignoring- i.e. Wasn't really present.

Unless you're very attached to her (why?!) I wouldn't bother with anymore play dates with her and her DD tbh.

Tokelau · 07/01/2018 19:59

I guess the child was a bit jealous of the baby, and her behaviour was understandable if so, but it was her mother’s job to deal with that. If that was my child she wouldn’t have got away with it! I would think she’d just get worse each time she made a fuss if it’s not dealt with now.

I don’t think you were mean, I thin you did the right thing.

ExhaustedPigeon · 07/01/2018 20:00

I have a 4 year old and there is no way I would have let her behave like that or allowed her to get near the door with someone else’s toys. Yanbu

QueenNefertitty · 07/01/2018 20:00

Sorry- I think you were being a touch U where the DD was concerned - but not at all about your cousin- your cousin was the problem here- not her kid or the rattle.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/01/2018 20:01

I have a 3 yo and an 8m old. I insist on kind behaviour from the 3 yo (with varying degrees of success). I don’t let him snatch, I do make him share etc. Yanbu. Sometimes small children do kick off but it doesn’t sound like she was even trying.

Dixeychick · 07/01/2018 20:02

YANBU! Cousin should have managed her child & whether child wanted the rattle or not, should have been told firmly by mother that it wasn't hers to take. Just letting her take other kids' stuff to avoid a tantrum - never mind swearing & kicking off in front of her child - now that's mean to the child. Don't feel guilty!!!

Mulberry72 · 07/01/2018 20:02

Your cousin sounds useless.

YANBU.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/01/2018 20:02

You were not BU
A 4 year old has NO need for a rattle FFS !
She is reception or nursery age and surely should be a bit better socialised

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 07/01/2018 20:03

Yanbu at all. I've got a 5&3 year old (also a 10 month old) and absolutely no way would I allow them to take something from someone else's home coz they're having a paddy! What does that teach them, they kick off and get something, nope! And at 4 yes, they're still young but they definitely know what they are doing, she didn't really want the rattle, she just wanted to see if she could. If your cousin wants to parent that way, fine, but you don't have to accept it.

Tistheseason17 · 07/01/2018 20:03

You were not mean.
Odd behaviour from cousin to not gently take rattle from 4 yr old. I have a 4 yr old, you can reason with them if you WANT to. I would not let my DC snatch a toy from a baby.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 07/01/2018 20:03

Sounds like you doing good at this parenting lark already!!
Well done. .
She may be happy to have a brat in the making but your dd doesn't have to sacrifice her stuff to enable her!!

Ohyesiam · 07/01/2018 20:04

You did this over a rattle? I find that amazing.
One of the biggest lessons in parenting is learning which battles to fight, and not to sweat the small stuff.
Odd that the 4 year olds mother did not stop her snatching toys and did not bring something to entertain her.

waterfall0119 · 07/01/2018 20:04

YANBU - my 2 year old DS does this all the time when we are leaving peoples houses - unless the mum says specifically ‘oh no take it and give it back when I next see you’ he gets it took off him and given back to the rightful owner. Your cousin was U for not disciplining her child better and stopping him from snatching from a baby!

ApproachingATunnel · 07/01/2018 20:05

UANBU! In my view when somebody asks your child -nicely, the way you did it - to returnthe toy that doesnt belong to then it a sure sign to the parent to intervene so that it’s done. Your cousin was undermining you in front of her child. Not cool. She was the rude one. Storm out of the house like that- fuck that shit. Is she usually a cow or just particularly stressed/tired at the moment?

Sherbertdips · 07/01/2018 20:06

I don't think the OP is concerned about the fact its only a rattle, i imagine its the principle of it, and the point is why should she give in to a child acting like a spoiled brat.
You did the right thing OP. If you allow this child to dictate and demand what she wants, then she'll never learn to respect others.

lynzpynz · 07/01/2018 20:06

Cousin might be content to not tackle her naughty behaviour, but she then has to accept other people won’t! Cousin should not have taken it out on you for not letting her child tantrum her way into taking another child’s things. Child is only 4, she’s going to push boudaries - up to the parents to enforce them.

hidinginthenightgarden · 07/01/2018 20:06

YANBU
Her child would have lost interest in it the minute she got home and saw her own age appropriate toys and the rattle would never have been seen again. I wouldn't have them over again if your cousin cannot be arsed to parent.

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/01/2018 20:07

You did this over a rattle? I find that amazing.
One of the biggest lessons in parenting is learning which battles to fight, and not to sweat the small stuff.

It's not OP's job to pick her battles with another person's DC though, is it? If my child played up like this at someone's house we'd have swiftly left with a thank you rather than some sort of protracted drama. OP was within her rights to say no; children don't die because they aren't allowed to take other children's toys from their homes, they just learn that 'no' means 'no' and probably grow up just fine.

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