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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 07/01/2018 20:18

Steeley is it not up to the MOTHER to take smwth8ng her child can play with when she sine the OP only had a very young child and therefore it was unlikely she would have any suitable toy for her child?

When Dc1 was that age, I would have had paper in the house but not pens/colouring pens/cravings for a 4 yo to play with. You would have found a fountain pen though....

dorislessingscat · 07/01/2018 20:18

YANBU and I can't believe the posters who think otherwise.

But don't blame the 4yo, blame the parents.

theabysswithin · 07/01/2018 20:19

YANBU. The kid was probably attention seeking and her behaviour is understandable. But the cousin should have laid down the law and stepped in.

I would never let my kid take anything from someone's home unless it had been very clearly indicated to me that she was welcome to take it. Cousin was rude and entitled not to make her DD hand it over -- should have done it without even having to have been asked. I would have been mortified to have behaved like that.

wifeyhun · 07/01/2018 20:19

YANBU you don't get to keep something just because you have a tantrum. It is a babies toy!

cathycake · 07/01/2018 20:19

I think you have escalated something that could have been handled so differently.

Don't sweat the small stuff

Andylion · 07/01/2018 20:19

That child was FOUR.

Yes, but how old was the child’s mum?

Old enough to know that she should be parenting her own child, I assume?

FinnegansCake · 07/01/2018 20:19

YANBU. Your cousin isn’t doing her daughter any favours by not teaching her that she can’t always have what she wants.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 07/01/2018 20:20

perfectly Many young children wouldn't know it's wrong to take things that's why we teach them.

Steeley113 · 07/01/2018 20:20

@HermioneAndMsJones but as parents were humans and sometimes forget. I’ve always got paper and a pencil/biro in I could have set a kid up with. Basic stationary really?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 20:20

Yanbu she is 4 not 14 months, she has to learn. What is she going to do when her dd stArts school. There woukd be no next time, she would not be welcome again!

UnitedKungdom · 07/01/2018 20:21

Mine (4, 3 and 2...not the 4 and 3 yr old anymore because I put my foot down years ago) have always tried to take things from people's houses. Yes it causes a mighty tantrum at times but by God if they start tantrumming I definitely take it from them and hand it back. I actually hate when people see them kick off and then say 'as sure they can keep it, we've loads' as it teaches them to manipulate other adults with bad behaviour.

YWNBU. Your cousin is a rude dick. But possibly a rude dick who is struggling so I probably wouldn't hold it against her too much.

BearLeft · 07/01/2018 20:21

YANBU.

However, it might be worth approaching cousin gently and offering general support and kindness.

She may well be struggling in ways you're unaware of because the vast majority of people would have been mortified by this and dealt with it.

She sounds like she isn't doing too well currently.

You were entirely right but be kind.

JuniUmiZoomi · 07/01/2018 20:22

My DD has known you don't take things that don't belong to you since she was ooh, one year old? It wouldn't occur to her to ask to take something from someone's house. What a scene! Sorry your cousin was so rude to you, you were totally in the right OP!

Lightningbolt82 · 07/01/2018 20:22

Sometimes when people are hosting they are focusing so much on petty things that they forget that the visitor might be having a shit time and doing their best with the few resources they have with them. You should have done more to entertain the bored 4 year old (just a baby). What did you expect the 4 year old to do? Sit there politely watching your baby play? If I were you I would have let the 4yr old play with anything I had and not worry so much about the parenting of your cousin. Just my opinion.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 20:22

The mum woukd not be welcome again with said child. The criticsm is on tge mother, not the child.

Original poster
SureJan · 07/01/2018 20:22

Thanks everyone. I know it was only a rattle, it's barely even on baby's radar at the moment not like his favourite toy or anything - so I do feel mean that me not letting her take it home caused her such a meltdown. But, what if it had been something more significant, my phone or something expensive? I don't think cousin would have asked in that case tbf, she probably just thought oh it's only a rattle that won't be missed. But it was the principle of it that made me say no.
IMO cousin has never been the best at discipline, but I think she gets embarrassed at kick-offs & maybe feels shy at telling her DD off in front of people, I don't know? I gently told her DD don't do that/put that back etc with the hope that cousin might take my lead & step in but she didn't. I don't feel comfortable telling off other people's kids so maybe shouldn't have done that, but I feel like when they're round at my house I'm allowed to expect a certain level of ok behaviour. I really don't want to be too judgemental of cousin as I know I've got all this to come, but I thought it was off of her to deal with it how she did. And I'm not impressed with her swearing at me & flouncing off!

OP posts:
Whiterabbitears · 07/01/2018 20:22

OP you are right on this I would do exactly the same. Kids need boundaries and to learn right from wrong, even over small things. No means no and it sounds like the cousin is scared to say no in case of tantrums. She's making a rod for her own back.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/01/2018 20:22

I have a 4 y.o and a couple of baby nephews. And friends with younger children.

When visiting I take suitable toys for ds. Occasionally he may spot a baby toy and announce “I love this!” for several seconds but generally if given a choice between a rattle that does nothing and a mouse that he can programme to go through a maze he is not going to look twice at the rattle.

And if he did try and take someone else’s toy I would be very unimpressed but he knows he can’t!

Pengggwn · 07/01/2018 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winifredgoose10 · 07/01/2018 20:22

Yanbu. There is no way i would let a four year old take a toy from my house. I would 100% expect their parent to be the one to enforce this though. How awkward for you. I'm sorry it went so badly with your cousin.

khajiit13 · 07/01/2018 20:23

YANBU. I have a four year old and id have no problem with being blunt with him and explaining it's not theirs to take home and I'd ask them to hand it back. I wouldn't ask a third time and I'd remove it and hand it back myself. She's a lazy parent

PeonyTruffle · 07/01/2018 20:23

Oh good lord, no YANBU, my just turned 3yr old knows better than to even pull a trick like that.

Stand your ground and don’t let her take your DS toys

BertieBotts · 07/01/2018 20:23

YADNBU!

Cousin was acting strangely. I can't believe that people expected you to let her take it!

Cousin should not expect you to know how to handle a 4yo tactfully because you don't have a 4yo yet. If cousin did not want her 4yo upset, she should have dealt with her/explained appropriate behaviour herself!

It's ridiculous and the fact it's "just a rattle" isn't the point - would the 4yo be allowed to take something from a shop without paying because she's only 4? Of course not so why is she allowed to just wander off with your child's possessions.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 20:24

lightening that child came with her mother, she is not op responsibility. Mother should have come with things for her dd to play with or amuse her. Op has her hands full with her baby FFs!

Santasbigredbobblehat · 07/01/2018 20:24

I surprised people are defending the cousin.
YANBU, I would never let my 2 or 4 year old behave like that.

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