Have I been mean to this child?

[SureJan]

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

And it does isolate kids when they aren't disciplined. Mine are older now but the only friendships I discouraged when they were younger were ones were the parents refused to discipline their kids. I didn't feel able to send my children on play dates to their houses because I knew if their kid was hitting, snatching or otherwise being mean to mine it wouldn't be addressed. I also didn't like to have them over to mine because they were used to doing what they wanted and very difficult.
My kids have had friends who have behaved awfully (as have mine at times) but if it's dealt with it's never been a problem. If you're going to sit there and make out like it's fine for my child to be hit, pushed, teased or whatever then that's not ok.

And I have a child with additional needs who has displayed challenging behaviour. If they were snatching from another child I would physically have sat between them to prevent it. If I couldn't prevent it I'd have taken them home.

Whilst what the cousin did wasn't an example of good parenting I think there has been over the top unpleasantness about it from some posters

Totally agree. When you reduce yourself to the person who goes on line and hurls abuse at and calls a four year old little girl names, it's time to go take a long hard look in the mirror at who you've become.

The op sounds quite nice and self aware. She is not hurling abuse and calling this child names, why do other posters feel they need to? Why would you do that?

Amen to that, Corbynsbum. When my kids were friendly w a kid who consistently behaved badly I’d pull back for the reasons you said. And as my kids got older, they’d pull back as well.

One of my friend’s kids (for a while a friend of my ds) got how way by throwing strops, up till at least age 11 at which point my son didn’t want to hang out with him as he said “I’m not comfortable with how he talks to Marianne” (the mum).

We spent a fortune on tickets to Cirque de Soleil and the kid threw a strop about his mum saying he should have water instead of soda (he got soda), threw a strop after another treat event when we 2 mum’s and my ds and dd wanted to go to a cafe for cake and he wanted to go to Macdonalds. They went to McDonalds.

My ds avoided him after that.

And some of those kids, when they find out tantrums don’t work with teachers, become bullies to other kids as they need to get their own way for emotional fulfillment.

The cousin missed a bunch of teachable moments.

My kids have had friends who have behaved awfully (as have mine at times) but if it's dealt with it's never been a problem.

Very much so CorbynsBumFlannel. We pulled back from ex friends because of this. The children would slyly hurt mine, and the Mum either didnt see or refused to see it, then the children would lie about it when asked. It was never challenged, ever. My DCs matter too, I pulled away for their own sanity and mine. lizzieoak did you have the same friend as ours? Her child threw a strop when they got told they had to have a happy meal. They wanted an adult big mac and soda. They were driven back to the Mcdonalds later that night and given both. It teaches them nothing, other than if I scream/cry loud enough/long enough I will get my own way.

Your cousin was in the wrong. And what’s with the aggressive swearing at you in front of her child?

Ravingroo, being 4 doesn't mean the child is entitled to have whatever it wants when it wants and gets it if throws a paddy. The op was nbu the rattle was not the other child's and her cousin should have ensured her own child understood that and have it back.

No your not being unreasonable. That’s your child’s rattle and that could be the only thing that comforts your baby to sleep! Cousin needs to apologise for swearing. For all anyone knows you could be going through PND you don’t need that shit in your life