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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
Fintress · 07/01/2018 20:44

YANBU, at 4 years old her mother should be teaching her that throwing a tantrum doesn’t mean you get your own way.

Foxedme · 07/01/2018 20:45

Your cousin is like so many parents these days... not being nasty but in my job I come across so many 4 year olds who've never heard the word no. You're fine to have acted how you did and cousin might moan about it at some point but she probably also feels embarrassed about her child's behaviour.
Cousin might be better at handling things at home but if she doesn't handle her child's behaviour out and about it's only going to get worse... plus snatching off a baby when you're 4 years old isn't on - this kid knows better!

OliviaMansfield · 07/01/2018 20:47

You were utterly unreasonable not letting another child take your childs toys home with them because their mums a wet lettuce. Said no normal person ever.

Jaxhog · 07/01/2018 20:47

YANBU. The 4yr old was behaving like a 4 yr old does. At least one with no parental disciplining. Why should you be put in the position of either having a guest steal your baby's toy, or in having to discipline someone else's child? Only person out of order here was your cousin.

QueenUnicorn · 07/01/2018 20:48

Was it worth the kerfuffle it caused?
Yes, because otherwise children learn that tantruming and screaming leads to what they want.
If the 4yo had politely asked then it would be a different story.

Weebo · 07/01/2018 20:49

Hrm, in your shoes I don't think I would have hesitated in letting her take the rattle simply to save my cousin from the stress of a tantrum.

Four is a bloody tough age for some children.

However I hopefully probably wouldn't have let it get to that stage - Although I think we all have days where there's no fight in us.

MissDuke · 07/01/2018 20:50

Of course your cousin was being unreasonable.

My dd went through a phase of this as a toddler and it silently annoyed me when people said she could take the item as I never allowed it so it made it harder when they offered.

So now when on the other end of this situation, I tend to whisper to the mum 'she can keep it is she wants, I don't mind' so the child doesn't hear! Then the mum can decide whether to persevere or give in!

I mind a toddler family member a lot and he snatches a lot off my dd which really annoys her. I get cross with my dd for not being more tolerant as she is older, but I suppose really I am doing the toddler no favours by letting him get away with it - I need to take a leaf out of your book op. I think you did great!

Hygge · 07/01/2018 20:51

It sounds like the bigger issue was your feelings about your cousin not parenting her child, rather than the rattle itself or the little girl.

YANBU to want her to discipline her own child, or to want her to stop her child from snatching things from your baby, or to say no when she wants her child to be able to take anything from your house to make it easier for her to ignore her daughters tantrum.

Is this likely to come back at you though the family in some way?

MandaraSugar · 07/01/2018 20:51

You 100% did the right thing OP - surely that's how kids learn they can't have/take whatever they please? Even if it does cause tears, they'll remember it for next time. Sounds like your cousin is a doormat for her DD and let's her get away with whatever for a quieter life.

eastlondoner · 07/01/2018 20:53

I'd have done the same as you. As a rule I never reward bad behaviour in children or adults!

GoReylo · 07/01/2018 20:54

Both of you could have behaved better. I can't stand people who stand in silence when their kids are acting up as if it's nothing to do with them, and she obviously does have problems disciplining her child, but if it was just a small cheap rattle with no emotional value it might have been easier to let it go...

On the plus side they sound like trying company and they won't be inflicting it on you again for a good long while. I'd call that a win Wink

tolerable · 07/01/2018 20:55

no.ynbu. .did cousin not bring bag of daughters toys along?at least then you coulda swiped one n insisted swap!!!!...it is petty,but mostly direct life is so..its not unreasonable to not allow anyone ever to walk in remove belongings and leave.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/01/2018 20:56

I had the opposite - a v small niece who got attached to something of DS's on a brief visit to our flat. I was happy for niece to borrow it and take it away with her, but SIL and BIL said no, niece has to leave it here, niece has to learn that she can't appropriate stuff in other people's houses!

Your cousin was being an ass and needs to learn how to be a parent, for her daughter's sake even if not her own sake.

Touchmybum · 07/01/2018 20:56

4 year olds have tantrums; cousin shouldn't have expected to keep the rattle; you got a bit unnecessary over something essentially trivial. Not sure it was worth falling out over. I think I would have fumed quietly and let it go.

berwickswan · 07/01/2018 20:56

I particularly didn't like the tantrum - the one from the cousin,that is "thanks for fucking nothing" while throwing the toy, rattle in this case, on the floorAngry. Jesus, what parenting..

OP, you were definitely right in insisting the rattle was handed back. Shame you weren't backed up by the mother.

LadyBunnysWig · 07/01/2018 20:58

It's absolutely ridiculous.
The rattle wasn't hers, therefore she does not get to decide where it goes or who 'looks after it'.
Just because it's easy to take toys from a baby doesn't mean that we should allow it to happen.

OP your cousin is ridiculous and you'd do well to keep her at an arms length

Marcine · 07/01/2018 21:07

I am a pick your battles kind of parent, but not letting my 3 or 4 year take things that don't belong to them is a battle I'm prepared to fight.

I am an early years teacher and have had this exact scenario at school with parents expecting their child to be allowed to 'borrow' classroom resources to stop a tantrum!
I have done the same as you with a firm 'no, school toys stay at school'.

You might say 'its only a rattle', but what if it was your own 4 year olds favourite doll? Or your tablet? The value of the item is irrelevant, the point is you don't get to take something that doesn't belong to you if you scream enough to embarrass mummy.

OhCarrieMathison · 07/01/2018 21:10

You are not BU.
My children have at times caused a fuss and wanted to take things and the host has said "oh, it's ok, Greg can take it" but I will always say no, it was to have a shot and maybe they can have a turn next time we visit.
I would never expect someone to just give them something as they were having a tantrum.

OhCarrieMathison · 07/01/2018 21:11

Not sure where "Greg" came from "they"

Topseyt · 07/01/2018 21:11

Of course it was worth the kerfuffle it caused. Children cannot just help themselves to whatever they take a shine to in other people's houses. What a silly question.

OP, you weren't at all unreasonable. Your cousin was. She didn't have the backbone to discipline her child for behaving like a horrid and entitled little brat.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 07/01/2018 21:12

Sometimes when people are hosting they are focusing so much on petty things that they forget that the visitor might be having a shit time and doing their best with the few resources they have with them. You should have done more to entertain the bored 4 year old (just a baby). What did you expect the 4 year old to do? Sit there politely watching your baby play? If I were you I would have let the 4yr old play with anything I had and not worry so much about the parenting of your cousin. Just my opinion

And there it is^ the most bonkers post on this thread. When my DC were 4, I wouldn't ever have visited someone without having a bag of entertainment with me...colouring book, crayone, books and some toys. Why on earth should someone else do this for me? Unless it's a house with same age kids, the cousin should have known the OP wouldn't have age appropriate toys for her DD.

Original poster
SureJan · 07/01/2018 21:14

Maybe cousin was having a particularly bad day & felt I could have helped her out a bit by letting the rattle go. I agree it does sound ridiculous to cause such a fuss over a rattle.
But I thought I was doing her more of a favour by saying no to her DD, by showing her that you can't help yourself to other people's stuff - but maybe it wasn't my call to do so as it isn't my child, and maybe cousin felt I was being a bit pompous trying to teach her DD. That wasn't my intention.
Cousin & I aren't very close & I probably won't see her for a while, but I won't hold this against her.

OP posts:
OhCarrieMathison · 07/01/2018 21:15

Agreed CupofFrothy.
The cousin should have had some things that she knew her DD would like. Worst case if she had forgot to pack a bag she could maybe have let her play on her phone or asked cousin if she could play on a tablet or watch a cartoon.
Or maybe used a negotiation when time to leave "if you leave rattle we could stop at shop and get a small treat"

Greensleeves · 07/01/2018 21:17

Finding it slightly amusing that your adult cousin had a tantrum and actually threw a rattle on the floor

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 07/01/2018 21:18

AcademicOwl

Your post is all about how you deal with YOUR DD...are you missing the point that OP is talking about someone else's child? And as for this...

Don't worry. It's all a learning curve. Just try not to fall out with your cousin about it. It's now worth it

Talk about patronisingHmm