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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
Summerof85 · 07/01/2018 21:20

Ywnbu. Cousin should have told her own child to give the toy back, it wasn't hers. I wouldn't be asking them back any time soon!

Rebeccaslicker · 07/01/2018 21:21

I feel sorry for the 4 year old. She's going to have a lot of lessons about sharing that she's going to have to learn the hard way at school if her mother doesn't step up and teach her.

MotherofaSurvivor · 07/01/2018 21:26

I cannot stand people who ignore their child having a tantrum when out or in other people's houses!!!!! Absolutely DISGRACEFUL and lazy parenting

MotherofaSurvivor · 07/01/2018 21:30

Please send your Cousin the link to this thread!

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 21:33

Totally agree with op, by giving into her, what is she teaching her child. That behaviour won't be allowed at school, so there is no time like tiger present to learn. Op has said ther child is often like this, with the mother afraid of correcting the girl. Why should op be entertaining tge girl, tge mum should come prepared with things, she sound be observant enough to call it a day, once it's evident her dd is getting bored and irritated.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2018 21:34

Do Just remember that with parenting like this she will not be terribly mature so don’t automatically assume she will act her age or similarly to an adult.

madeyemoodysmum · 07/01/2018 21:39

At four she should be old enough to understand basic rules (Barr SN)
Cousin was in the wrong She is setting her dd up to be a little madam if she lets her get away with stuff like this all the time.

greenlids · 07/01/2018 21:41

A 4-year-old is quite old enough to be able to learn and understand that they can't take something that doesn't belong to them, just because they want it.

You were right to stick to your guns OP

altiara · 07/01/2018 21:42

4 year olds aren’t babies! They are school children who are more than capable of understanding baby toys are for the baby and of not having tantrums. Sounds like your cousin missed multiple opportunities to parent their child. I also wouldn’t have let them have the rattle, I just know it would’ve been thrown on the floor within seconds never to be played with again.
Would also have thought a 4 yo DD would be happy interacting with a baby and passing them toys. (Am possibly spoilt by the brief happy time when DD was 3 and helped look after baby DS - until he stood up and decided she wasn’t telling him what to do)

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2018 21:49

I remember years ago, before we had our DDs, we had friends to stay at our house. At that stage they had 2 DSs (they have since had 2 DDs). Their DS2 was 3 at that stage and very demanding (it's since turned out that he has epilepsy). He saw my DH's model trucks, Eddie Stobbart, not toys, and got it into his head that they belonged to him. He went on about it, saying 'mine' and in the end my DH said he could have them. Our friends groaned and said, 'No way, you'll be making our lives much harder.' They had been saying no to him all weekend so didn't want to be undermined by my DH saying yes.

We learned an important lesson, the importance of consistency with young children.

Hatchinganegg · 07/01/2018 21:50

I'm shocked that anyone thinks you are BU

Encouraging this sort of behaviour in a child is a terrible idea. Where does it stop? What happens when the toy isn't "only a rattle" but instead a cherished toy?

You wouldn't expect an adult to walk out of your house with something they fancy. So why is it OK when it's "only the children?"

Four year olds will want things they can't have and will tantrum over it. Dealing with their behaviour is part of parenting, nobody enjoys it but tough. Your cousin sounds like she can't be bothered to parent her child and expects you and and your child to lose out to save her trouble

You did the right thing op

anothernetter · 07/01/2018 21:56

YANBU. Your cousin was very rude to you and needs to step up and parent her child. Why should her kid get to take your baby's rattle home. That would have sent completely the wrong message as it would have been giving in and rewarding bad behaviour. It's not rocket science and your cousin should realise that. Good for you for having the guts to stand up to her (your cousin) and saying no. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough. We've got relatives who have two badly behaved kids and honestly it's a nightmare every time they come round. The parents make no effort to discipline them and we don't feel comfortable speaking out so we limit contact with them. It's just too stressful!

JaneEyre70 · 07/01/2018 21:58

The rattle wouldn't bother me but I'd have major issues with someone who said the F word in front of their children and mine Hmm

MuseumOfCurry · 07/01/2018 22:05

Your cousin sounds rough and I'd avoid her in the future.

She's been obviously useless, but I would have the rattle go. It's not your battle.

frigginell · 07/01/2018 22:05

I don't think the behaviour of either of you was ideal. Her mum should have brought things to occupy her, considering the age of your child and the fact that you wouldn't have much, she should have stopped the snatching immediately and it was rude of her to demand to take home the rattle.

You should have made a good effort to occupy the child (she was a guest in your home). Did you offer paper and a pen or cartoons on tv for example? And it was rude of you not to say yes to her taking the toy. It may have been a mistake on the mother's part, but it isn't up to you to judge.

I regularly offer small children toys to borrow till next time. They're usually sad to leave and this works as a nice sweetener for their parents when it's time to go. It's a shame when friends have to end their visit dragging a sobbing child to the car. The toy usually means they leave smiling and are also confident that they'll definitely be coming back (to return it).

FlouncyDoves · 07/01/2018 22:08

My two year old knows to share and take turns as I’ve taught her how.

YANBU. Don’t have them round again.

Mumof3boysxxx · 07/01/2018 22:09

You were being completely reasonable. Children can be taught from a very young age that they can enjoy sharing their friends/cousins toys but those toys live at their friends/cousins house. Next time they come to play at the house, they can use share the toy again. This can be taught in a kind, gentle but firm way. My 4 year old wouldn't dream of trying to take someone else's toy home, and if the situation arose would teach his baby brother this without any prompting from me as he knows what's right and wrong.

cathcath2 · 07/01/2018 22:11

YWNBU - she needs to learn that she cannot take other people's things. "Oh she's only 4!" Yes and she'll be in school next year (if she isn't already) with other children who will soon let her know how unacceptable that is to them. Her mother is not doing her any favours.

DoubleAces · 07/01/2018 22:12

Congrats, you taught your niece an important life lesson......."You can't always get watch ya waaaaant!!" Muhahaha

Allthewaves · 07/01/2018 22:13

My 4 year old is in reception, he's possible asd but knows not to take people's toys

Hebenon · 07/01/2018 22:14

YANBU, I wouldn't have accepted this behaviour from a 2 year old, never mind a 4 year old! I'm sure she forgot all about it ten minutes later. It's not kind to take other people's things and it is never acceptable. You were totally in the right.

del2929 · 07/01/2018 22:15

yanbu!

your cousin needs to discipline her child. end of.

dont feel bad

dancinfeet · 07/01/2018 22:16

She is four. A good age to learn that she can't have everything she wants. YWNBU.
At this age they have to learn to share, and that some toys are not theirs to take, just because they want it. Otherwise reception classrooms and nurseries up and down the country would be bare from everybody taking home whatever they fancied!

MoKnickers · 07/01/2018 22:17

You wnbu. I’d have prised it out of the kids fingers cone hell Or high water.

Original poster
SureJan · 07/01/2018 22:21

I didn't think to provide paper/pens, but she chose what she wanted to watch on TV (kids channels) and was allowed to play with the toys we have.

OP posts:
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