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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
CupOfFrothyCoffee · 07/01/2018 20:25

That child was FOUR. I know she seems a lot older compared to a 6 month old, but she is still a child. You were being very unreasonable for being so protective over a rattle your own child wouldn’t even miss

OMG seriously? Way to go to raise a spoiled little brat. OP YANBU, a 4yo should know that you can't just take other peoples things, your cousin is a shit parent.

AcademicOwl · 07/01/2018 20:25

Hard to tell without knowing cousin and child. But tbh, I find it weird that you'd kick off about a rattle? It's not like your baby is going to miss it. About a million miles easier not to escalate the situation, then get mum to bring it back quietly when it's not the centre of the row.
There's absolutely bugger all point having a row with a 4yo when they are in full on tantrum mode; it's very rare with mine, but on a bad day, when she's coming down with something, etc, she might have a barny. And the best thing to do? Ignore & minimise; but talk about it when she's calmed down. Then she can properly apologise.

Don't worry. It's all a learning curve. Just try not to fall out with your cousin about it. It's now worth it.

BertieBotts · 07/01/2018 20:25

Also - the cousin was the one who was mean, IMO.

You did a perfectly reasonable thing saying no.

The parent should have not set up an expectation that the child could do whatever she wanted. It is she who has caused the situation. It's not up to you to pander to her crap parenting in order not to upset her child. Poor kid though, she must be pretty confused!

happymumof4crazykids · 07/01/2018 20:25

I would never have allowed any of my kids to behave like that! Your cousin needs to step up and learn how to parent her child.

AcademicOwl · 07/01/2018 20:26

Oops. *not worth it. The falling out bit Smile

Atthebottomofthegarden · 07/01/2018 20:26

You did the right thing. If you hadn’t, the child would want to take something home with her every time she visits. And you would never see the toy again.

FrostyThirties0 · 07/01/2018 20:26

All those saying that you overreacted will be parents of the children that grow up to be CFs. They see no harm in riding your kid’s scooter when it’s parked up at the playground, will rudely announce your house is ugly or your mum is fat, will take gone the free buckets and spades provided at the sand pits, will run around and talk through films at the cinema etc etc.

It all starts somewhere! Telling your child no, that doesn’t belong to you isn’t hard but some parents really do believe their special snowflake should be allowed anything they demand or they fear the temper of their own child. Sad really.

vwlphb · 07/01/2018 20:27

Very lazy parenting on your cousin’s part and hilarious to see which posters would similarly indulge their precious darlings and not teach them from the word go that they don’t want take toys from other people’s houses.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 07/01/2018 20:28

That child is going to be a real treat at school!! And your cousin.
YWNBU

mathanxiety · 07/01/2018 20:29

You did the right thing.

You would not have seen the rattle again.

You did not owe your cousin the favour she was asking of you - i.e. handing over your baby's things to facilitate her taking the path of least resistance.

The child will pay for her mother's reluctance to assert herself. In the next year or so she will find she only gets one invitation to playdates with schoolfriends, no repeats. Your cousin will probably fail to see what the problem is and she and the child will end up with a huge ship on their shoulders.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 07/01/2018 20:29

You did this over a rattle? I find that amazing

I find it amazing that you think it's ok to teach a 4yo that they can get their own way if they scream loud enough. If OP went along with this nonsense she would be part of teaching the child how to get her own way, doesn't matter if it's a rattle or an x-box, same principle.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2018 20:30

chip, dratted autocorrect...

BewareOfDragons · 07/01/2018 20:32

Your cousin is doing her child no favours.

I know 4 year olds like that. Reception classes always have a handful whose parents clearly can't be arsed to actually, um, parent them! They're a nightmare to deal with ... clearly no boundaries or discipline at home and get what they want when they want it there.

imamum21 · 07/01/2018 20:32

i would have said no she cant take it either to be honest, there is a child in my family that is 7 and has tantrums because the child doesnt get there own way! like actual punches kicks screams acts like a baby. i blame the parents though as this child was always let off, constantly hits cousins aswell and never gets told off, if i tell the child off im in the wrong! if my child was doing something and the other child wanted it everyone tries to talk my child in to giving up what they were doing and im like no chance i do put my foot down. my child understands if i say no that means no etc.

AcademicOwl · 07/01/2018 20:33

Also; my response to this would completely vary based on relationship with parent. Because if I was close to them I'd be discussing said child within our time together and have an idea of what's going on with them (both as the child and within the family). I have no cousins so have no idea if you have that sort of relationship...

As for treating children like 'special snowflakes' you know you've hit Internet rock bottom when that phrase gets used lol

PurplePotatoes · 07/01/2018 20:33

Tbh you did your cousin a favour really because if you'd given in and let her take it home she'll just realise she can behave like that again and get her own way.
I have a (just turned) 4yr old and I'd have been mortified if she'd behaved like that not angry at You!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/01/2018 20:35

Child needs to learn sadly. The next time she wants to take something home from a library, or the toys in the doctors, there could be another scene. Maybe less after your intervention I would see what you did as a kind of public service Grin

strangerhoes · 07/01/2018 20:35

Why should you have to give away your child’s possession because your cousin is a shit parent? Yanbu

CorbynsBumFlannel · 07/01/2018 20:36

I'd have probably given her the rattle to get the pair of them out of the house and I'd be in no hurry to invite them back! Can't stand it when parents just let their kids behave as they like and do nothing to intervene. And after the foul-mouthed tantrum from your cousin you can see why her dd is the way she is.

Pennywhistle · 07/01/2018 20:37

It’s not about the rattle. It’s setting an expectation that this child can’t take things from your home just because she wants to.

She’s four, this isn’t an unusual rule, it will be in place at every house/school/doctor’s office/shop she visits.

I had a friend whose child’s hands and pockets I always needed to discreetly check before she left our house.

Another child’s tantrum is not a reason to become a doormat.

You weren’t mean. The mother was wrong.

Personally I wouldn’t have had such a discussion about it, I’d have just taken it out of her hands.

Bellamuerte · 07/01/2018 20:39

YANBU. 4yo needs to learn that she can't take things that don't belong to her. It's an important life lesson even if the item in question is insignificant.

WorldPeasAndSweetcorn · 07/01/2018 20:39

Cousin needs to parent her daughter

Screamer1 · 07/01/2018 20:40

I think there's a difference between thinking the cousin should grow a back bone and parent properly. Which is clearly true, and one issue.

And the second issue, which is was it worth having a row about? I personally would choose not to have the row. That doesn't mean that I think the cousin dealt with the situation properly, or that I would let my own child behave like that.

April229 · 07/01/2018 20:42

YANBU - She is ridiculous to act so rudely towards you, swearing at you, just because she can’t / won’t manage her child’s behaviour.

bobstersmum · 07/01/2018 20:42

The four year old would be lucky to get her mitts on my baby's toys without washing her hands first anyway because I'm a germ freak! Your cousin needs to grow up and sort her child out!