To think you don’t send thank you cards if

[SylviaTietjens]

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

My MIL is obsessed with cards - I do it because I know she likes it but she sends us so many cards - she gave us all (& the dog) individual cards even though she was here! They get binned, then she sends a thanks for having me card...drives DH insane and I really shouldn’t pander to it but apparently receiving cards gives her a lot of pleasure (she thinks I feel the same way sadly). 😫

@SylviaTietjens I get my DDs to just send thank you cards to everyone. Whether they were around for the opening or not, you get a card. I get them printed up with a photo of the kids on the front so I suppose its a photo as well as a thank you and I wouldn't want anyone to feel they have been missed out.

Thank you cards ARE a pain, and it DOES (to me,) seem ridiculous to send thank you cards to people who watched their present being opened, but, I think we should remember that older generations were brought up with different values, and it doesn't really take that long to send a card if that is what's expected.

One of the things I'm guilty of is allowing my DD (9) to have a mass gift opening session on Christmas morning. We end up with piles of presents. But if I ask her afterwards what she got from Auntie Lulu, she wouldn't have a clue. Even if Auntie Lulu wAs in the room at the time.

Which is one of the reasons why I insist that she writes thank you notes to everyone. It makes her think about the gifts she's received, who has been thoughtful enough to give her something, and the item they gave.

And I know that my parents, Auntie Lulu, MIL and others love getting a drawing and personalised note through the post. They generally phone dd to say thank you for the thank you card!

It's a faff, I agree. But the benefits to recipient and giver are worth it.

We actually ditched cards altogether this xmas, all accept a couple of elderly relatives that we never see.

The whole thank-you cards things drives me crazy, SIL sends them for everything. One of my BF’s mums sends thank-you cards to thank-you cards, no joke!

No one has ever passed comment and if they did I’d tell them just to not bother buying anything, you’ve normally had to go to the trouble of providing a list or even get the presents in the first place, failing that it's something awful that has been bought for the sake of buying something.

If the present is opened in front of the person then there is absolutely no need, if someone isn’t there then I just drop them a text to say thank-you but this is really only one great aunt. I think really it’s only immediate family that should be buying presents otherwise it just gets out of hand, kids get too much these days and they don’t appreciate it.

I got the kids to write cards to everyone who gave them a present - even those who were there. I like them as they show that time has been taken out of someone’s day to thank me. A text from a mum when the kid is over about 5 doesn’t do it for me but everyone does things differently. I’ve learnt to relax and I’m not bothered if I don’t get a card / letter anymore but do get cross if I am not thanked at all!

I always had to do thank you letters as a child so my dc are suffering in the same way they're too little at the moment so I send a postcard from Touchnote with a fairly brief message on the back.

I agree if they've been there in person a thank you card is not absolutely necessary but I think the recipient likes the photo so I end up doing them for everyone. I was a bit baffled by the one I received from my mum though, that seemed unnecessary. I haven't written one from me and dh!

We have a rule - no thank you notes to family. Much easier that way. We usually open any family presents in front of the giver, but if not I would always text a thank you. Sounds like your PIL might not be keen on this sadly, but your DH could ask them.

But I always make my DC write thank you notes to godparents for presents. I could send a text, but I think a note directly from the recipient of the gift is nicer.

Surely it's basic good manners to write a thank you note? And good training for later life to teach your children to do it? I hate modern "manners".

I agree with you, however my inlaws do not. We received thank you cards from my nieces and nephews, even when we were there to see them open the presents. Every time, I feel subliminally criticised for not doing so myself (and yes it would effectively be me doing them, as the children would not dream of doing it unless prompted strongly).

I do send thank you cards to people who we have not seen. This is usually only 1-2 people as we see most people over Christmas.

"Surely it's basic good manners to write a thank you note? And good training for later life to teach your children to do it? I hate modern "manners"."

I had a disagreement with a friend who says pretty much the same as you, but would not dream of sending a thank you card herself, or expect them from adults. So what is the 'training' for? It is training for Mums to know their place IMHO - forcing the children to do pointless tasks in order to prove she is a good Mum and her children have 19th century 'manners'.

I don’t get some of the extreme reactions on here? I think PILs were a bit rude to mention not getting a card but I think yabu to be so annoyed about them wanting to receive them.

I would still send a Thankyou card even if they were there in person, and do regularly. My DD is 4 and I’m 30, so not ancient by any means. I was bought up thinking it’s polite and I know my grandparents always appreciated receiving them when I was a child especially if I had drawn them.

Also it is annoying your DH wouldn’t do it but women do usually end up doing them don’t they. They shouldn’t have to be the only ones but it also really isn’t a big deal for him to ask.

I also think it’s a bit extreme to start talking about the trees of all the uses of card and paper it’s got to be one of the smallest!!

Sorry, I'm going to be in the minority here. Just about to settle in and write my thank you cards. I will be writing to both parents and parents in law to thank them for their hospitality over the Xmas period and everyone who gave DH and I a present whether they saw us open it or not. Expecting DS any day now... next Xmas I shall write on his behalf for all presents in addition to my own until he is old enough to write his own thank you letters. It's just good manners in my book.

I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this.

Fuck that. Was DH working every day over the holidays? Why should you do the (entirely unnecessary) work to satisfy his parents' unreasonable demands? Your DH can wrangle thank you notes from your kids himself, if he thinks it's so important.

It's exactly what I said. I was brought up to write thank you letters and still do so. My son was also brought up to write them and he still does too.

Also while my DS used to make thank you cards when he was younger, now that he's a teenager he usually just rings up the friend/relative/whoever and says thank you, and has a chat. I think that's fine.

xmastraveller why are you the one expecting to write thank you letters on behalf of your child? Why isn't your DH planning to do this?

Surely it's basic good manners to write a thank you note?

Only if you believe that only people who do things 'your way' have manners.

YANBU. Although, generally I do make DC do them for immediate family as my siblings do with their children, but more because DM and my siblings expect it than because I think it is necessary.

And sending a reminder/complaint about not getting a thank you card is very off, I think.

Worst of all though, SAHM or not, this pursed lips disapproval always being directed at the mother is very irritating. If your DH thinks it is very important his parents get a card, he should take charge of it with the DC.

Will somebody think of the TREES!!

I had a disagreement with a friend who says pretty much the same as you, but would not dream of sending a thank you card herself, or expect them from adults. So what is the 'training' for? It is training for Mums to know their place IMHO - forcing the children to do pointless tasks in order to prove she is a good Mum and her children have 19th century 'manners'.

I'm more irritated by adults who don't send a Facebook message or text thanking me for something/hospitality than I am if a child doesn't. I know a child just means the adult has made them, but I expect an adult to make the gesture. Because an adult is not meant to be self-involved, and knows the effort in the equation on the part of the host/donor.

Don't care if it's electronic or not, but no message of any kind just strikes me as rude. I agree adults who demand politeness from kids, while not displaying any, grind my gears, and for the same reasons.

Messages from adults, I mean. TBH I very rarely get thank yous from kids, and that doesn't bother me. They are children, and it's not done on their initiative either way.

but I expect an adult to make the gesture. Because an adult is not meant to be self-involved, and knows the effort in the equation on the part of the host/donor.

but the op/op's dc did! in person

I have written a thank you card (and said thank you for the thank you for hosting us card they sent grin) and let dc2 scribble all over it to personalise it. Dh said he’d do it, but I know he won’t and pil will blame me for being rude so it’s easier just to bloody do it myself.

Put them all on notice that you have done it this once but every time from now on, its down to him. Make sure you tell PIL so they know that if they dont get them then its down to him.

This is how the Wife Work shit starts, put a stop to it unless you want to be responsbile for this for the rest of your life. From now on you deal with your family and he with his. DH and I do it like this and despite working FT he somehow manages to cope with the stress of it.

I'm a stickler for thank you letters but am with you on this OP. But if it's important to your DH's parents, DH should organise it surely?

Next time you see them, cheerfully apologise for the misunderstanding and make it clear that in your family and most others TY letters aren't required if the giver has been thanked in person. Tell them that DH will be in charge of TYs in future so that no more mistakes are made.