Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t send thank you cards if

240 replies

SylviaTietjens · 07/01/2018 10:00

The gifter was present when you opened the gift? We’ve just had pil to stay for 10 days over Christmas and new year. They went home on Tuesday and this morning dh got a text to let him know they hadn’t received thank you cards from dc’s yet.

Dc’s are 5 and 2 but are expected to write a card/ draw picture in order to give thanks for presents that pil watched them open, heard them say thank you for and then watched them play with. I’m a sahm and dh thinks I should have already done this. I’ve sent thank you cards (written by myself with dc1 writing his name in) to relatives that sent presents but pil were there! So they don’t need a thank you card surely?

Please tell me I’m not the only one to think this is madness. And that if dh thinks it is reasonable he can bloody well do it himself.

OP posts:
BraayTigger · 08/01/2018 18:40

Yes always write thank you cards (from myself) and do it for Dd. Have just spent a day over hols with DD making TQ cards and writing them. She is 2! But she understands why we are making them, and will grow up knowing it is important to always say thank you by note for a gift. I personally think it is rude not to send Thank you cards. My DH family do not and I do get a bit annoyed that my nephews receive a lot of lovely presents from us and their parents don’t get them to write thank you and unless we call them, we wouldn’t get a thank u at all.

Anyway, I think it’s an upbringing thing.

Pearlsaringer · 08/01/2018 18:45

The form that a thank you takes is irrelevant, as long as it is prompt, gracious and sincere. In these days of phones, Skype and email, a handwritten note is a nice tradition but no more than that. It is certainly not an indicator of good manners, rather an indicator of someone who wants to be seen as having them.

Robinkitty · 08/01/2018 18:53

My kids send thank you cards even if the giver was there when they opened them. One of the kids stocking presents were thank you cards, nice pens and stamps.
It's good manners and good practice with the hand writing, how to write a letter, how to post a letter etc.

Ginburee · 08/01/2018 18:55

My children send thank you cards as it is how I was brought up. It is a chore but I think it is important- especially to the older generation. My husband's elderly aunt sends the children £5 for thier birthdays and if she hasn't received a card within a few days she phones my elderly MIL who rings me.
If left to my husband it just won't get done.
My childish revenge is that whenever I write Her a birthday/Christmas card I always put 'Vera' instead of great Aunt Vera- my argument is that I write the cards and she is not my aunt. It really winds up the aged ones.
Back to the thank you cards, I have stopped buying for some people's children as I haven't received cards and I think that especially if you are not there when they open it then you need to at least send a text and acknowledge arrival if posted or passed on???

Bear2014 · 08/01/2018 18:56

We send thank you cards for all presents, whether the giver was there or not. It's a grey area though if the giver has already been thanked in person and it's seriously weird and rude to chase up/ask for a thank you card.

HermioneAndMsJones · 08/01/2018 19:06

OP I’m with you there. For me it just doesn’t make sense. I also suspect t phis will go out of favour, Just Iike all the Christmas cards are doing too.

I think your DH is right though. It’s important for his parents so HE should ensure that HIS dcs are sending a thank you cars to his parents. So he should be finding the cards, ensurevthe dcs are drawing/writing their name or thank you in the card too. After all, it’s not that hard is it?? So I’m sure he can handle it if it’s that essential instead of actually having a go at you

rookiemere · 08/01/2018 19:16

I hate bloody thank you cards. I don't know why they still exist in this modern day and age of modern technology. My friend dutifully sends one for every present I ever send - even though we're down to £10 per child for each birthday and Christmas so posting a thank you equals about 10% of the cost of the gift.

I say thank you in person to those I see and send a text or email to those I don't. If people wish to take offense at that and not send another gift, then great they can go for it.

SherbrookeFosterer · 08/01/2018 19:27

I always send thank you notes.

People like to receive them, it makes their day, and it only takes a minute.

treaclesoda · 08/01/2018 19:27

I personally think it is rude not to send Thank you cards.

How are people to know if it's expected? If people are from a culture where thank you notes are not 'a thing' do you let them know in advance that you expect one? Or do you expect them to somehow know without being told?

brownelephant · 08/01/2018 19:31

If left to my husband it just won't get done.

then it's not really important, is it?

perfectstorm · 08/01/2018 19:32

but I expect an adult to make the gesture. Because an adult is not meant to be self-involved, and knows the effort in the equation on the part of the host/donor.

but the op/op's dc did! in person

And I was responding to a poster who says her friend demands thank you notes from kids, but never writes any herself, so your point is...? Confused

IndieRar · 08/01/2018 19:35

A couple of years ago, after Christmas, I got a message from DF to say DSM hadn't yet received a thank you card for presents, after we were with them at Christmas, and was upset. So I wrote and sent one and then received a thank you card for the thank you card accompanied by a thank you cheese in the post two days later!

(It was camembert if you wanted to know what kind.)

swisspookie · 08/01/2018 19:37

Treaclesoda - in which cultures are thank you notes not ‘a thing’?

FaveNumberIs2 · 08/01/2018 19:38

I used to do this all the time when the kiddos were little. All I did was take a photo of them surrounded by all the gifts, then print off the pics with a printed message saying “thank you for thinking of us”.

Once they got mobiles, (age 11) I stopped doing it.

perfectstorm · 08/01/2018 19:39

Indie did you get a thank you present for the thank you note for the thank you cheese for the thank you note? Grin

April229 · 08/01/2018 19:42

I agree. At most I might follow up with a text with a photo of DD playing with the gift to say ‘thanks again she’s really loving this! ‘ or some such. I thought the whole point of TY Cards was to say thank you when they weren’t there to be thanked in person!

Bimbler · 08/01/2018 19:50

So you had your PILs to stay for ten whole days?

They're the ones who should be sending you a thank you card. Attached to a whopping great hamper from Fortum & Mason!

treaclesoda · 08/01/2018 19:50

Treaclesoda - in which cultures are thank you notes not ‘a thing’?

Well I'm from N Ireland and I'd never heard of sending thank you notes for Christmas and birthday gifts until I started using mumsnet. No one I know sends thank you notes, and my parents never did it (and they are very old fashioned traditional types). Thank you notes are for wedding presents.

trumptown · 08/01/2018 20:08

My in-laws are like this. I've always assumed it's a generational thing. It's perceived by them (both late 80s) to be the right thing to do, in terms of manners and etiquette. I assume it's one of the Debrett's rules. They're the sort of people who will address letters "correctly" as in "Mr & Mrs Colin Smith" or "Mrs Colin Smith".

They expect thank you cards from all their grandchildren even if they are with them when presents are opened. We do it to keep them happy, it's what they expect and I don't see why I should try to change their views or upset them by refusing. We don't send them to my family, only DH's!

We always get thank you cards from them, even if they've phoned already to say thank you. It does annoy me, but in the scheme of things, it's no great effort to send a little card to keep granny and grandpa happy.

Dorey27 · 08/01/2018 20:14

I always send thank you cards, whether they were present with the gift was opened or not. BUT I'm a crafter and love making stuff so this is all part of my hobby, if it wasn't- then I don't think I'd consider it necessary in your case. X

ToadsforJustice · 08/01/2018 20:25

My DC have never written thank you cards. We would say thanks to anyone that gave our DC gifts as they were handed to us. That’s enough.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 08/01/2018 20:28

Pearlsaringer Mon 08-Jan-18 18:45:38

The form that a thank you takes is irrelevant, as long as it is prompt, gracious and sincere. In these days of phones, Skype and email, a handwritten note is a nice tradition but no more than that. It is certainly not an indicator of good manners, rather an indicator of someone who wants to be seen as having them.

I totally agree with this. We've seen everyone who gave presents over Xmas, and each has been thanked in person. I will therefore not be insisting that cards are also written, there's no need. But then, I come from a family that did the same.

And for all those insisting it's good training, I've no idea what for. I'm seen as very polite, and I get complimented on my DC's manners. Not writing TY cards has not caused my DC to turn into rude thugs. If we go to stay with someone, or when younger the DC had a sleepover, they took a gift along when arriving and thanked properly when leaving.

Etiquette is not an immutable set of instructions. Etiquette has evolved, and as the world changes, will continue to evolve. The modern ways of communication are changing things, changing the ideas of what makes good manners. A TY card is not the only way to express good manners, and I'd far rather have a phone call where I'm sincerely thanked and we have a genuine chat, than a stilted card written because the person has been forced to.

Myunicornissparklyblack · 08/01/2018 20:47

I'm rather proud that I actually got my kids to write thank you notes this year! Having meant to for overlong and never managed it. But not for those they thanked in person. That's weird imo. I do think it's a dying fashion, which is a shame as I worry gifts didn't arrive. However my nephews text or call to thank us, which is fine too. As long as a thank you given who cares how!

Nitrobetty1 · 08/01/2018 21:18

I think thank you cards are very old fashioned & very much hope they die out with the generation of people who still expect them. A thank you in person, an email or a text or digital photo is more than adequate. I think the OP’s PIL’s sound complete bonkers. Silly old fools need to realise how busy modern life is for parents especially if they work full time.

Llangollen · 08/01/2018 21:56

Silly old fools need to realise how busy modern life is for parents especially if they work full time.

yeah... funny how so called "busy people" always find time to comment on internet forum. You can be modern and have manners, and take time to teach them to your children.