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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:
MadMags · 07/01/2018 11:43

If you're not married (which I also missed) then quite frankly, you're fucked unless you have your own money/protection in place?

Do you own a property perhaps?

A 16 year old doesn't need a stay at home parent, if you haven't been making your own money, you need to start trying immediately. Because if PPs are right and he's just waiting to dump you, then what will you do?

MadMags · 07/01/2018 11:46

He hasn't done anything wrong with DD's party.

The concert thing is a bit mean, and odd, but nothing catastrophic.

Yes, he cheated but OP forgave. I wouldn't have, but there you have it.

So nothing in the thread sounds a huge deal. To OP it is but I think that's a bit of a skewed vision, if I'm honest. Like she is insisting on painting him as the bad guy, and she the victim.

The worrying thing though is that she's in a very precarious position should he leave her or should they break up. That's what I'd be worried about in her shoes.

scrabbler3 · 07/01/2018 11:50

OMG, just caught up. The OP is unmarried, hasn't worked in 16+ years, and has one child who will be an adult in 2 years? Forget the party, this is the real problem.

OP, if he's planning to ditch you, you will need to prepare. Put money aside if you can and get a job asap. Good luck. Seriously, stop worrying about the party and start safeguarding your future.

1DAD2KIDS · 07/01/2018 12:57

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus but kitten and 1dad, he has cheated, he is a cheater

Has cheated doesn't = is cheating per se. That a jump to conclude with no sound evidence of this. Of course he could be (as much as the next person). I just don't see how people on here can say with such clarity he is cheating? I would stick with working on issues you know are going on rather that lost in the scaremongering of wild accusations.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 07/01/2018 13:14

I haven't accused anyone of anything. Why so keen to protect this man 1dad? If someone has cheated then it shows that they put their wants and need first and he is continuing to do so, whether or not that involves sleeping with other women. Selfish people do not make good partners which op seems to be finding.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2018 13:25

Surely he's just being a taxi?

And then is quite happy to spend a few hours on his own?

My idea of heaven...

Hullabaloo40 · 07/01/2018 14:39

I'm not really sure as to what he has done that is so wrong. OP was told that she could go if there was room, OP has herself said that she wouldn't let one of her DD's friends miss out so doesn't seem to be a problem there. I have a 15 year old DD who gets along brilliantly with her Dad and I'm a little perplexed as to why a couple of PPs have implied that he has an inappropriate relationship with his DD or he fancies one of her friends. He could just be a doting Dad who wants to do something nice for his daughter, nothing more nothing less. However and more important OP believes that it is a way of leaving her out and there will be a back story as to why she believes this but OP you need to speak to your husband, only then will you know for sure.

formerbabe · 07/01/2018 14:42

Is he basically acting as the taxi driver for them? If so, surely its a day out with her friends...why would you join in?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2018 14:54

Completely missed that OP isn't married. Absolutely need to seek legal advice, although you probably don't have any legal protection.

I have an uneasy feeling that the OP's partner is simply counting down the days until DD is 18 and/or goes off to Uni.

1DAD2KIDS · 07/01/2018 14:57

Why so keen to protect this man 1dad? the same a I keen to suggest we look for at issues related to what is going on rather that slipping of into speculation land. I think the issues on the actions we Know to be happening are best to focus on rather than speculation. I would say the same if it were you or anyone else on here.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 07/01/2018 15:17

I don't think it's speculation to say that a man who cheats and buys concert tickets for himself is selfish. He is selfish, demonstrably so. Up to op if she wants to be with a selfish man but they rarely make good life partners.

1DAD2KIDS · 07/01/2018 15:27

Well I think most will forgive for understanding the statement he has cheated, he is a cheater as you implying he's currently cheating not just being a bit selfish?

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 07/01/2018 15:44

Thanks. all for your responses.

I'm feeling a bit more chipper today and slept on things.

I've asked him to discuss plans with me in advance in future.

Some of you have got where I'm coming from. He often uses passive aggression as a means of shutting down discussions he does not like, and I'm not sure if I've quite forgiven him for his past cheating. I think my feelings of "miffedness" stem from this.

I don't think that he deliberately set out to exclude me on this occasion, having given it some thought, so I think IABU to have been miffed.

There's a lot of food for thought, however. Wink.

OP posts:
MaggieS41 · 07/01/2018 16:07

Get the fuck out of there!! What partner/dad organises their daughters birthday without their partner/Mum?! That’s just weird. But maybe not for a partner who is completely distancing himself from his DP - which basically means what I said earlier. Move on.

What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter?

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 07/01/2018 16:23

I have a very solid relationship with dd.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 18:35

Worried about your situation OP. Close friend went through awful time a few years ago as was in (what appears to be) a similar situation.
4 kids 25 yr relationship. Not married. He 'didn't see the need'.. which you wouldn't would you if EVERYTHING were in your name. ?
He waited until 2 were at/finished Uni. One just finished A levels (literally the day he left school) and one 16 yr old.
He then only had to pay CM for two for 2 months then only one. ..

He married 12 Weeks after meeting his 26yr old Latvian girlfriend in Dubai 'on business' because it was important to her as 'as a catholic ' (this religious observance didn't extend to not shagging someone else's partner sadly). This made her the joint owner of my friends family home.

Please get some legal advice and fingers crossed you have your name on the deeds and/or other property. ? Please don't let this take you by surprise.

StaplesCorner · 07/01/2018 18:48

You were "miffed"?!

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 07/01/2018 20:19

kitten I've taken legal advice, of course.

I know I have no marital rights but I have assets and an independent source of income. It's not enough to live on comfortably and independently, and I'm looking for a job.

OP posts:
thebewilderness · 07/01/2018 20:58

I am so glad to hear that, bugger! I could be wrong but I do think the writing is on the wall.

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 22:54

That is much better news than I feared. - my dear friend had to return to the Work place at 58 having not worked since she was 32. She had no assets and no independent source of income and after the youngest reached 18 ex partner got his house back. So you are thankfully in a much better position.
Even had to go through the ignominy of being evicted as without this council wouldn't house her...

The kids don't speak to their df. Not to worry though - his new 'dw' wasted no time in securing her assets by 'accidentally' having a baby within 7 months of the marriage... he is now 61 with a 3 yr old.

Good for you OP with looking for work. I am sure it won't only give you a little more financial security but also a world outside your home. Increased social interaction and hopefully better self esteem.

It may also improve your relationship. I am sure there must be a degree of resentment from your DP. My own DBro has recently separated from his wife because she will not work . Their only child is 12and she wants to do craft classes and coffee with friends. DBRO cannot deal with the resentment anymore. For myself, I would kick DH into touch if I was working ft and he wasn't working at all . Regardless of income. I would at least insist that if we had sufficient funds to finance this type of lifestyle, I would insist it was fairly split with both working part time so both had equal leisure.

I would hope for the best , that the relationship improves but prepare for the worst.

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2018 05:09

Finding this confusing. I've dropped DDs to meet friends on their respective birthdays a good few times. I go off shopping, have a coffee whatever I feel like doing, until pick up time. Last time was in June..I sat in a relaxing cafe reading a book, chatted with friend on phone for a little while. Bliss. Why on earth would my DP need to be there? We're not joined at the hip because we're a couple. I don't always want my spare time arranged so that suited me, I just wanted to chill read have a coffee/chat for a few hours

Maybe you do nothing together as a couple or you want to be with him at all times in case he cheats again. But that isn't going to resolve anything

If there's no room for you in car no way should DDs friend have to miss the day out - it's DDs birthday not yours. You shouldn't expect that to happen. & you're not driving.

From all else you've said yes, you've a problem. But making DDs birthday a part of it isn't on really. It's all the issues with your DP, not whether he drops them off and picks them up. It seems you are leaving him so if that's the right decision for you then good luck at least you've decided

Quimby · 08/01/2018 08:02

Father is dropping his daughter and friends somewhere for her birthday and might want to mooch around the town for a few hours before driving them home

Mumsnet: he’s trying to fuck a 16 year old

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 08:27

Just as an example:

A few years ago a friend starting seeing this man, and she would often meet him in town. He told her he was with his teen daughter but she was with friends, so they had to be careful not to be seen, as he hadn't told her about her yet. She thought this was understandable, you know, give the relationship time to see if it worked.

Anyhow the one day she took a picture of them together. On the Monday in work, she was talking about it, and someone asked if she had a photo.

Turns out the he lived near this person, she didn't know him personally, but knew him by sight, and that he had a teen daughter, and younger son (who went to school with her child) and that his wife was a nurse who worked nights.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 09:09

Just to clarify I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but where others have said he could be cheating, I'm just saying that it does happen this way unfortunately.

Slanetylor · 08/01/2018 10:03

On the face of it a dad dropping his daughter and friends to their day out is not any issue. But in most families it will be the daughters decision. " I want to go to town for my birthday can one of you drop me?" No issue. But it sounds like dad organised this day out and decided he would take them. He is happy to spend all day pottering around shops and having coffee waiting for them on his own. ( really?). why not let one parent drop and the other collect them instead of spending all day waiting? why is mom not involved in the decision but asking permission to be involved? The whole thing doesn't sit right with me. It didn't strike me he was having an affair but it did strike me that he was intent on doing his own thing.

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