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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 20:14

It's appalling he left you out and you have a right to be annoyed.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 06/01/2018 20:15

If your a Sahm I would be looking at gaining some independence and getting a job so if you do split up you will be able to support yourself especially as you will only get maintenance until the age of 16 if they are in full time education op.

ourkidmolly · 06/01/2018 20:21

That's a v weird set up indeed.

Touchmybum · 06/01/2018 20:22

You see this wouldn't even be an issue in our house, I would just assume I was being included. Maybe your 16 year old was afraid that you would want to tag along with her and her friends?

Have you considered actually asking either of them? A bit of active communication?

crunched · 06/01/2018 20:25

So many on MN would crictisise the non-involvement of DH with teenage DDs. Here is the exception to the rule Smile

HeteronormativeHaybales · 06/01/2018 20:26

Hm. Just to go against the grain/play devil's advocate for a moment, if a woman posted a thread on here about dropping her teen dd and friends off for a day out and looking forward to having some time alone at the shops etc, but that her dh was hurt she hadn't asked him along to keeo her company, I'm pretty certain the replies would be saying he's BU and perhaps controllingand she should go and enjoy her time alone. There's no reason why OP's dh might not want some time alone too. So in isolation, I really don't think this is so bad. But clearly there is more to this and I suspect, OP, that in a healthy relationship, in which you felt cared for and loved, this incident wouldn't have registered with you in the way it does. It particularly strikes me that you're not feeling rejected by him so much as 'pushed out and sidelined' from the family unit. How do you think he will respond to a very honest talk?

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 20:27

Birthday is fine. Buying himself a ticket for a concert you'd want to go to s cheeky. And affair well won't comment on that.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2018 20:27

It's not just the day out, though, is it?

Her DH also buys single tickets to events without her (one she'd like to go to) - not normal in a loving, respectful telationship.

You're right OP he's checked out.

Steeley113 · 06/01/2018 20:27

Could you not have offered to drive as well and she could have taken more friends?

BigBaboonBum · 06/01/2018 20:28

Sounds super weird to me tbh, unless he was just dropping them off

lookingforthecorkscrew · 06/01/2018 20:29

The whole set up seems a bit odd to me. Why didn’t you discuss this together? Why aren’t the presents from both of you?

It seems you’ve become accustomed to excluding each other from your plans.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 06/01/2018 20:31

You added you caught him cheating...this is obviously relevant to you as he is a fucking arse in all areas.
You should have planned the day together, he's a dick get rid.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 06/01/2018 20:33

If the plan was just to take the girls then it doesn't really matter though.

g1itterati · 06/01/2018 20:37

OP, is there any chance he presumed you would like a day to yourself? Or that you wouldn't want to go because you're not well?

Did you buy separate presents for DD, rather than from both of you? I think that's very unusual if so.

If he had an affair /cheated, could it be that you've withdrawn from him since or you're moody around him (fair enough btw), so now he's tending to avoid spending time with you?

Failingat40 · 06/01/2018 20:37

YANBU to feel miffed. He's obviously arranged it so he is meeting someone else 40 miles away from you while the girls are shopping.
There's no way a man would want to hang about like a spare part for that long.

The fact he even arranged a girly shopping trip in the first place is odd imo.

Who does he go to these concerts with?

I'm sorry but it does sound like he's with you for practicality/convenience but has no interest in you any more.

I'd be hurt by this too but ultimately it's maybe the wake up call you need to wake up and see your relationship for what it is.

sonjadog · 06/01/2018 20:37

But was there space in the car for you? Because if there wasn´t then I don't see the problem. If there was only room for DD, her friends and one driver, then I think it is is fair enough that you were excluded so her friend to come. He did say you could drive yourself if you wanted, so you could have gone along, but just not at the expense of one of DD´s friends.

However, it is odd that you didn't take the decision about who was driving DD and friends together and that you haven't communicated properly over this. As other poster has pointed out, there seem to be much large issues going on here.

ItsNachoCheese · 06/01/2018 20:42

He has engineered this to suit himself

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 20:45

Sounds to me as if your DP has pretty much 'checked out' of your relationship. You don't do things together. He doesn't want you around and goes to lengths to be away from you. Sounds as if you're a 'domestic convenience' for him. Have you ever spoken to him about what he's doing or asked him if he still wants to be in the relationship?

Not sure how you feel, but sounds to me as if you've sort of checked out, too.

Cuckooclocks · 06/01/2018 20:49

Erm sounds like he is treating you like a flat mate rather than a partner. Who the heck books a single ticket for a concert when they are in a couple when they know both of you like the act? Hmmm yanbu.

Cbaanymore123 · 06/01/2018 20:53

Sorry whole thing seems weird.

I've probably watched to many dramas but something dodgey comes to mind.

Straycatblue · 06/01/2018 20:57

Who is he going to the concert with ?

Because it sounds like others have said that he wanted time in the town to perhaps meet up with someone else whilst the girls were shopping.

And perhaps he is going to the concert with that person as well?

Could be totally wrong about the above but regardless it sadly doesnt sound like he wants to spend time with you.

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 20:58

Is he having an affair? This seems so strange

MadMags · 06/01/2018 21:13

I feel like I'm reading a different thread to everyone else!

Teen DD has a birthday day out. Dad drops her and friends to shopping centre, mills around a few hours, drops them home.

I don't see what's so heinous??? Obviously the cheating makes him a prick. But he buys his own concert ticket, OP buys her own presents for DD...they both seem to be living separate lives.

But OP not coming along to drop some teenagers to a shopping centre? No, sorry but that's just normal!

mathanxiety · 06/01/2018 21:24

The only time something like this has happened to me was when DD4 had a party for her 5th birthday, organised by stbxh with me completely excluded except of course for the little matter of addressing all the invitations and buying stamps for them.

This was after exH had moved out but before we had hammered out a custody and visitation agreement. When we went to mediation I told the tale of my exclusion (and also how DS had been roped in to format a printed invitation, in full knowledge that exH had excluded me from the process, which really bothered DS) the mediator's eyebrows rose considerably and she made it clear that that was unacceptable. She took time to explain to him what co-parenting looked like.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 06-Jan-18 20:45:47
Sounds to me as if your DP has pretty much 'checked out' of your relationship. You don't do things together. He doesn't want you around and goes to lengths to be away from you. Sounds as if you're a 'domestic convenience' for him. Have you ever spoken to him about what he's doing or asked him if he still wants to be in the relationship?

Not sure how you feel, but sounds to me as if you've sort of checked out, too

I agree with this ^^

Your DP is behaving as if he wants to cut you out of his life and take over the area of 'relationships with the children'. He seems to be going out of his way to slight you, which is hard to experience - however, involving a child in his game is despicable.

Cheekyandfreaky · 06/01/2018 21:35

I think you need to discuss the elephant in the room with your DH and then consider what’s next.