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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:
Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 21:42

mad he wasn't just "dropping them off". It was a day out in a very nice, touristy large town, with lunch and dinner. A nice place to spend some hours in.

OP posts:
harrietsoton · 06/01/2018 21:46

At 16 I would prefer being with my friends rather than both of my parents, and would have a separate family meal at a restaurant or something. So I wouldn’t be annoyed with your daughter as it’s understandable that she’d prefer that specific activity with her pals. It seems like your husband was just a taxi/bank for her and her friends.

He does seem like he treats you like an afterthought though

Slanetylor · 06/01/2018 21:55

I find this totally odd. Why as a mother is not you organising your daughters 16th birthday or having some say in it at least. Have you organised a family celebration of some sort instead?
I just can't figure this out. Is if your partner who normally organises family celebrations?
I realise I'm being totally sexist.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 06/01/2018 21:59

Op are they embarrassed by you in some way. And I don't mean that to be nasty just trying to figure out why they seem as if it's them and you not included.very strange behaviour.

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 22:07

slane in the past, I've always organised birthday stuff-cinema outings, meals out, parties, whatever.

Strangely, DP has only taken an interest since he was caught out cheating. I suspect it may be out of guilt-grand gestures to obviate his past behaviour maybe?

To be fair, he's quite involved in other ways. He's never done any of the every day stuff though-school runs, parent evenings, dentist and doctor appointments, inset days, holidays etc have always been down to me.

He likes doing the "fun" stuff. Wink.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/01/2018 22:10

Could he fancy one of her friends or didnhe have a chance to meet someone there when your DD and friends went to meal?
I’d ask DD what they did all day tbh Confused

Slanetylor · 06/01/2018 22:12

Well if you have the means could you take her on a little treat to get nails done or a spa day or anything else you would both enjoy.
I don't think much of his commitment to this relationship though. I do wonder if he hasn't a bigger plan?

AdaColeman · 06/01/2018 22:14

Probably a bit of an ego trip for him being out in town with a gaggle of sixteen year olds!

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 22:15

drink the girls went to lunch as soon as they arrived, then shopping/mooching til around 6pm. They went to an Italian place for tea and got home around 8pm.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/01/2018 22:16

Was he with them during the shop mooching and the meal or went off, buggerthebotox?

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 22:22

Probably a bit of an ego trip for him being out in town with a gaggle of sixteen year olds!

I agree maybe that or a midlife crisis...

1DAD2KIDS · 06/01/2018 22:22

Would it be cynical to ask if he's more likely to spend more cash on dd and/or let her get her own way more than you?

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 22:26

drink he went off on his own.

pass and 1dad - yes and yes!

OP posts:
WildRosesGrow · 06/01/2018 22:30

Like another poster, I feel that if the Mum had taken her 16 year old daughter and friends for a shopping day out, and the Dad was complaining that he hadn't been asked along, then we would think he WABU.

I've got a 15 year old daughter. I would be surprised if my husband arranged a day out for her friends without me. Hypocritically, I wouldn't necessarily consult him first if she asked me if I could take her friends for a day out for a birthday treat.

My parents bought me separate presents most of the time (mind you they didn't have the best marriage so not necessarily a great example but also not automatically indicative of a problem).

OP - you are obviously upset and it is something you need to talk to your husband about. I wouldn't rely on what strangers on the internet think. You are bothered about your partner organising things separately from you, so you need to try and discuss it with him.

MadMags · 06/01/2018 22:32

But, he didn't have lunch and go shopping with them did he?

So, the car was full with him driving dd and her friends and when they got there, they left to do whatever, and he met them hours later and took them home? Or he spent the day with them?

I'm just thinking back to my 16th and I really wouldn't have wanted to go shopping for the day with my friends and my parents!

altiara · 06/01/2018 22:47

The way you write it OP sounds like your being ignored, but if I was your 16 yo DD and I had a parent driving me where I wanted to go and the car was full, i don’t think you really were. You would have to take 2 cars for you to have gone and one parent would have been alone as the girls would want to be together. So it’s not really a big deal. It would’ve looked to DD that the parents were muscling in on her day if you and DH then planned ‘your’ day on top of hers. BUT I agree is a bit odd it wasn’t discussed with you even if DH was to say I’m happy to mooch around and then do xxx and I am on your side as I personally would’ve preferred to go to and meet up for the meal at the end.

WrittenandGrown · 06/01/2018 22:55

I feel the same as several PPs, that your DH likely was meeting someone else in that town for a few hours.

1DAD2KIDS · 06/01/2018 23:11

buggerthebotox then I suspect it is as simple as this. Your savy 16yo knows which way her breads best buttered. He no doubt likes being popular and cool. I wouldn't be upset per se unless he intends to spend the family silver on her.

I'm not convinced on the whole doing it to meet another woman scaremongering, despite having cheated before. But of course that is the MN default setting.

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 07:50

A rare spark of logic on here 1dad2kids (although sure to be lambasted for stepping of the MN default script that whenever a man is alone he must be cheating)...
I have some concerns about this set up though and it's not the DH and DD.
OP - you sound very detached and unengaged from DH and Dd... and family life in general. You said you had been a SAHM for 16 yrs and you have only one child. Are you perhaps struggling with this ? Does DH resent this ? I can't tell you the level of resentment I would have towards my DH if he had been a SAHD to one child who was now 16 , leaving all financial responsibilities to him. Maybe he is very happy with this - but it doesn't send a great message to DD.

You may not need to work for financial reasons but do you get out and do volunteering for example? Do you get much interaction with other adults. ? Does DD /DH see you as someone who is uninterested in joining in with day to day stuff ? You sound a bit depressed.
Do you think DDs behaviour and lack of discussing stuff with you , is simply because she thinks you won't be bothered/interested and DH is the lively outgoing go getter ?

It does sound like he has left the relationship, however is hanging on to the marriage for the sake of the child.

In two years she will be an adult/off to Uni and no maintenance payable. If he is planning on leaving then, is there enough equity in your house to buy two homes ? Is there enough money saved so that when split in half , you need never work. If so then it's not a major panic,
You just need to make sure you have equal access to everything on the day you separate. It's all very well being entitled to half - you don't want to be in the position where you have to wait for a court to enforce that right.

If you will not be in that secure financial situation , then you need to get your skates on and start retraining as you will need to look at how you will be able to support yourself in less than two years . !!

InAPickleToday · 07/01/2018 08:11

Regarding DDs birthday day out, I can't see what he's done wrong at all? He hasn't arranged a day out with DD excluding OK, he's giving DD and her friends a lift so they can do their own thing.

He said to OP she could come.if there was room in the car. So that depends how many friends DD wanted to invite. He also suggested she drive her own car there if there's no room.

What's the problem??

Is it the fact DD and DH have arranged this together without you? Because if a mother and daughter had arranged a lift for a day out without including the father no one would bat an eyelid!

ButteredScone · 07/01/2018 08:24

Why didn’t you discuss your DD’s birthday in advance? ‘What shall we do for DD’s 16th?’ Would be a fairly standard approach for most couples.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 07/01/2018 08:31

but kitten and 1dad, he has cheated, he is a cheater Confused

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 08:35

And is it standard for dads to book concerts to go alone when they know their wife likes the act?

octonaught · 07/01/2018 08:49

Probably meeting another woman in this town. Used Dd's birthday as an excuse. Who drives 40 miles for a teenagers party

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 08:49

That doesn't mean every time he drops Dd at the shops - that he's shagging someone !!

It's fairly clear that DH AND DD seem to have a relationship. It is far less clear if OP has opted out of family life. She sounds very disconnected.

There aren't many Mums who 'don't know what to do for their DDs 16 th' .. especially a SAHM as there has surely got to be a huge amount of time available to discuss. plan etc. With I assume , no money issues to constrain planning something nice. ( the assumption being that if money were tight then OP wouldn't have been at home for 16 yrs with an only child ) unless there is something going on here that is pretty major but not yet mentioned such as mental or physical health problems preventing Work . Amd issues like OPs self esteem and own mental well being may therefore be a bigger contributory factor in the relationship breakdown than a father dropping his Dd in town for a shopping / shagging trip.

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