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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:

StaplesCorner · 06/01/2018 19:53

To be clear my DH would never want to be with my DCs anyway, so it kind of resolves itself that DDs and I decide what to do and where to go. But clearly OP you would have liked to be with the family so that's not on. How is your relationship with DD in general, is it ok? Is it just him that's the problem?

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 19:53

It's weird you wouldn't both be there. I would have just gone; you had a right to be there.

Cambionome · 06/01/2018 19:54

This is exactly what my stbx started to do...

He often arranged to go out with ds1 and ds2 to rugby/ football without me - no problem at all as I wouldn't have wanted to go. However, he began to arrange more and more things with them, not just without inviting me but without even letting me know what was happening. I even caught him on occasion trying to shush ds2 who had innocently mentioned something that dh was arranging.

I found it really upsetting even though I knew the marriage was already on the rocks (for a variety of reasons); it's just so unkind and disrespectful.

It proved to be the final straw, and we separated at the end of last summer.

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 19:55

Also my dh hates shopping, he'd beg not to go! He'd go to the lunch though.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 06/01/2018 19:55

Sorry OP, could you clarify something: is he spending any time with her on this day out or is it specifically just the lift to and from?

InsomniacAnonymous · 06/01/2018 19:58

Did you ask your daughter what she wanted to do for her birthday? If you didn't, but your husband did, hence the trip, maybe they both think you've got no interest in doing anything.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:58

I'm so grateful for your observations. No, I do not want or need to spend time with him , or dd either. She's old enough to know what she wants, and I've always encouraged her to be independent.

I'm also concerned about the message our relationship is sending her,especially as she's old enough now to ask questions about relationships.

She's an only child.

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 19:58

Most 16 year old girls would hate hanging out with dad for the day as well as their friends. When I was that age that would have cramped my style bigtime. It's a bit strange, wouldn't she just hang out with her friends?

Cambionome · 06/01/2018 19:59

It's the excluding that's the problem here. He is deliberately arranging stuff without the op, and doing his best to make her feel unwanted.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 20:00

Thanks guys, I'm really not keeping up with the replies now.

wherethefuck yes, that's it.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 06/01/2018 20:01

Agree that he's checked out of the relationship. Do you really want to carry on with this? He sounds very selfish.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 20:02

insomniac yes, of course I've asked what she wants to do for her birthday. I've offered a party-she's not interested.

OP posts:

Pennypickle · 06/01/2018 20:03

Did you all discuss, as a family, the plans for DD's birthday - as in...

You - Have you thought about what you would like to do for your birthday DD?

DD - Yes. Me and some friends are meeting in town to look around the shops and then go for a meal

DH - How are you getting to town?

DD - Would you take me and some friends friends daddy? We can meet the others there

You - That would be fine. Maybe your dad and me could have a look around the shops and go for something to eat while we wait for you. What time do you need picking up? BTW is there anything in particular you would like me and dad to get you for your birthday at would you prefer we give you money to spend when you look around the shops?

Did you discuss this as a family OP or was it just sprung on you that dad would drop DD off and you were not invited?

Seems a bit odd that you bought her presents from yourself tbh....

I dropped DD off in town to meet her friends for her 16th birthday. DH picked her up afterwards. I don't think its odd that you both weren't needed for drop off and pick up but there seems to be a lack of family communication?

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 20:04

OP you don't want to spend time with your DD? Is that what you really meant?

Are you ever proactive in your relationship with her? As your relationship with your family always been like this?

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 20:05

wherethefuck he's taking them. It's a drive of say 1.5 hours. So taking, dropping, waiting for them, taking them to eat maybe then coming home.

They've just got back.

OP posts:

Theimpossiblegirl · 06/01/2018 20:05

OP, you need to take back the control, don't just sit back and let him leave you out, or wait for your DD to tell you what she wants.

Be more proactive, chat to DD about doing something nice together, make it happen, she may think you're just not that bothered.

Your partner, on the other hand, needs talking to, and if he carries on treating you with no respect or consideration, I'd ask him to leave.

InsomniacAnonymous · 06/01/2018 20:07

Just a question, OP, it isn't you who's checked out of the relationship, is it?

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 20:07

mrsprim I spend loads of time with her! Sorry to sound passive: I didn't mean to imply I don't enjoy her-I've been a sahm for 16 years!

OP posts:

Bananasandwicheseveryday · 06/01/2018 20:08

The only time I had separate presents from my parents, was just before they split and then, of course, from that time on.
DH and I have never even thought about us each giving our dcs separate gifts and any celebration is always open to anyone of us who wants to attend. I probably wouldn't want to go to a football match and dh would be unlikely to come to the ballet. But you can be sure, that if any such event was planned any of us who wanted to go, would do. We certainly would not be trying to make each other feel awkward for wanting to come!

I'm afraid I'd be concerned about this, given his past history. Sorry.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 20:09

penny it's not a local town. It's 40 miles away.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 06/01/2018 20:09

My ex tried to exclude me from his little planned outings with the dcs too, to the extent he even, when it was decided that the whole family would be getting bikes for xmas and I gave him all the inside legs for all four us to make sure he got the right sizes, when xmas came there were only three bikes. No bike for me

PasstheStarmix · 06/01/2018 20:11

Why did dad want to hang out with your dd and her friends on a girly shopping trip? Surely you'd have been the better choice to take them or at least to go together. I'm surprised your dh didn't feel awkward?

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 20:11

OP in that case it seems to be a simple case of you being married to an arsehole.

You haven't answered questions about how long it's been like this for. Not that you need to, other than to yourself.

But really, showing your nearing adult daughter that's it's OK to put up with this level of disrespect probably isn't great for her future happiness.

Pennypickle · 06/01/2018 20:13

penny it's not a local town. It's 40 miles away

Yes that's the part I'm having difficulty with. Surely if its 40 mils away your DH would have appreciated some company - seeing that its easier to stay there and wait rather than return home and then pick up?

thebewilderness · 06/01/2018 20:14

Your partners behavior is outrageous, controlling, manipulative, and teaching DD lessons about intimate relationships that will do her all manner of harm in the future.
No, you are not being unreasonable to be angry with your passive aggressive asshat.

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