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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:
Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:31

cherry we don't go out much together (him and me, I mean). He's either working or at the football.

I have my own interests and friends.

Yes, he's dropping them off but as the town they've gone to is 40 miles away he woukd would have to hang around for a few hours until they were ready to come back.

DD is close to him and sometimes hangs out with him (going for walks etc).

OP posts:
MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 19:33

Oh my word I assumed you were talking about an ex!!

He was inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless and just plain weird. A 'normal' couple would have discussed it together and arranged to take two cars, 6 girls then had a nice day together while the teenagers went off.

I think he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to be around you. Sorry.

CherryMaDeara · 06/01/2018 19:34

Ah, sorry, I thought he was going to stay with them.

That's so strange, I would have thought he'd want your company while he waited.

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 19:34

OP, sorry to ask, but is there any chance he wanted to be around dd's friends without you?

I didn't want to be the one to bring this up, but I agree. If my DH had told me he'd arranged off his own back to take our dd and her girlfriends out I'd have told him it wasn't in the least bit appropriate and he would most certainly not be going on his own.

Pennypickle · 06/01/2018 19:34

I'm confused Confused

Did your dd invite her dad to celebrate her birthday with her friends or did her dad agree to drive her into town and drop her off to meet her friends?

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 06/01/2018 19:35

peppa eh? Different thread?

No, this one!

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 06/01/2018 19:35

This is what my cheating ex started doing before we split. He's thinking of you as separate and not as together IMO.

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:37

Sorry-not keeping up!

Really interesting stuff to help me get this in context.

nooka thanks-you've nailed it I think. That's exactly why I'm hurt, I think.

cherry no, nothing like that. He likes to be seen to be popular, I think.

I know it's probably a trivial thing in itself but it's indicative of his general behaviour.

Yes, he's cheated on the past, and yes, I'm having a long hard look at the relationship.

OP posts:
Pennypickle · 06/01/2018 19:37

Sorry Buggar - cross post.

If he dropped her off and has to wait around to pick her up to drive her home then I agree its a bit off not to ask you to go for a meal with him while you wait for DD.

Do you think he has made alternative plans?

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 06/01/2018 19:39

Sorry op but he has checked out of your relationship and just hasn't the balls to tell you.
No nastiness intended but when you forgave him for shagging about he lost all respect for you.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 06/01/2018 19:40

He has told you what he is like. He does what he wants when he wants, you will always come second. It's up to you how long you put up with it.

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 19:40

Oh... the pennies just dropped. Peppa has it nailed.

He dropped gotlsmoff so he had a sore few hours.

It was all his idea, and never once mentioned it to you. Then got arsey when you wanted to join them.

He's shagging someone nearby.

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 19:41

ConfusedBlush

He dropped the girls off so he had a few spare hours.

constantchange · 06/01/2018 19:42

YANBU. How absolutely bizarre.

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:44

mrsprim I've not thought about it like that.

pennypickle sorry to confuse.

They've gone on a day out, so not "dropping off" as such. DP has driven them there. It was his suggestion, as a birthday treat. I find it quite difficult to know what to do for dd's birthday, especially so soon after Christmas. I've bought her some presents, obviously.

He didn't discuss his plans with me, so I'm feeling excluded. Maybe I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Newrules · 06/01/2018 19:44

Why aren't you acting like a family?

StaplesCorner · 06/01/2018 19:45

On this day alone I am confused - either DH or I drop our girls at a party, we don't go together. We would normally ask DDs what they wanted to with (a) friends and (b) us - they both normally choose stuff with friends as favourite, and tolerate a meal with us!!

No way would DH and I set off together, with two cars, drop girls then have a day out or a meal or something, waste of time and money?

Sevendown · 06/01/2018 19:45

He’s probably hitting on one of dd’s friends.

scrabbler3 · 06/01/2018 19:48

You sound like flatmates not a couple, OP. He may be waiting for the children to go to university/move out, before leaving. It's possible that there is an OW, although he may have just been sitting in a bar, enjoying time out. There's no proof of any of this but if I were you I'd consider the worst case scenario and get your financials etc in order.

misscph1973 · 06/01/2018 19:48

That's a really bad signal to send to you DD, that he is not including you. They should be able to be close without excluding you. You should both be part of the birthday celebrations, you are both parents.

It's hard to say what goes through his head, why he thinks that's okay. If he still doesn't get it when you call him out on this ... Well, what is the next thing where you have to spell it out that's it's not okay? I predict that either you end up with a long list, or you stop before the list gets any longer.

StaplesCorner · 06/01/2018 19:51

Hmm, actually I think scrabbler is right, that's what I am doing TBH; but my experience of relationships is so dysfunctional I don't see anything unusual in choosing not to spend time together - is that what normal couples do?

But never mind me, OP, in any event it looks like he has form. What's your plan long term? Are you generally concerned? Were you expecting the relationship was "for ever"? Do you have other DCs?

Original poster
buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:51

I don't think he's made alternative plans, no. He'll mooch about the shops for a few hours probably, or go to a football match if there's one nearby.

Yes, I agree he's checked out of the relationship, probably. And yes, he has little respect for me.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/01/2018 19:52

I find it quite difficult to know what to do for dd's birthday

I'm a bit suprosed by this. I have 3 teens and they all know what they'd like to do for birthdays - they have their own ideas etc - didn't you ask her? You seem quite passive in this relationship

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 06/01/2018 19:53

So he and DD planned this day out together after he suggested it? And neither mentioned it to you at all?

I agree with whoever said this is sending out shocking signals to your DD about respect for you.

And concert tickets without including you??? Fuck that OP. I'm sorry to say it but you're being treated worse than a doormat Sad

MrsPrimAndProper · 06/01/2018 19:53

you've bought her some presents? On your own? Just from you? Not together, from her two parents? Do you realise this is a little odd?

OK, issues to think about...

  1. Birthday 'date' aside, he is deliberately excluding you. Have you always not acted together as a unit? Do you ever get invited on DH and DDs little walks etc? Are you close to your DD?
  1. His behaviour over the birthday is at best odd. At worst deliberately sneaky and malicious. He is either a) doing everything he can to make you feel excluded from his and DDs little gang, b) having an affair with someone near to the town they all went to, c) has a desire to be around either your DD, or one or more of her friends way more than is remotely appropriate.

The only way to answer the last point is to know what, exactly he did during these spare hours.