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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to dd's birthday day out: aibu to be miffed.?

178 replies

buggerthebotox · 06/01/2018 19:11

Dd s birthday today. She's 16. DP had taken her and a few friends to another town (a nice, touristy one) to go shopping/ lunch etc. Town is about 40 miles away.

DP has been planning this with dd for a while. I was not invited.

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

I feel miffed. I feel I should have been invited and given the option to say yes or no. Am I being U?

I'm a bit poorly today and feeling paranoid and over sensitive.

It would have been nice to have been asked though.

NB: he has form for this type of thing. The other day, he booked himself a ticket to a concert knowing I'd like to have gone. By the time he said he was going, the tickets had been sold out, so I couldn't go anyway.

I've also caught him cheating (Not recently).

AIBU to feel pushed out and sidelined?

OP posts:

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 08:52

kittensinmydinner1 What about the concert though?

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 08:56

Not sure about this one. If I have to kill time somewhere, I suspect I would prefer to be on my own because I can then make sure I do things I like doing. If I'm with someone else, chances are I'm going to feel bad about dragging them round shops, museums etc that only I am interested in, and am going to feel that we have to go to places they like but which I may find seriously boring. I may well just want to sit in a coffee shop, park or library reading, which again I can't do if I'm with someone.

And it's not as if he actually said no, he said OP could come if there was space in the car or bring her own - which is logical if all the seats in his car are taken.

Completely off the point but - one and a half hours to travel 40 miles? Really?

BashStreetKid · 07/01/2018 08:57

Who drives 40 miles for a teenagers party

I would, I think. I wouldn't regard that as a massive hardship in order to give my child a treat for her birthday.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/01/2018 09:02

Octon it would be regular around hejre to drive that distance for teens to go shopping in a larger town and for it to be a treat not the usual day out. My dh would regularly drive dd and her teen friends to stuff and all her friends are the same . Its like they look on the dads as taxi drivers..a faceless person just moving them from A to B. As a dm they know l would chat and ask questions so prefer dads silent ways.
No way are any of these dads meeting anyone there. My dh would just drink coffee and mess on his phone. Its more a matter of the dds having their dads at their beck and call.
I think op you are checked out of the relationship. Understandably due to affair. You are seeing difficulty where perhaps its just simply being an unpaid taxi driver. Or if ye don't talk much putting in hours together would be awkward. Look at the whole relationship as on its own this is a non issue.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 09:04

I think dh is checking out of the relationship going to concerts on own when he knows you like the act op. It's awful of him.

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 09:10

The concert ticket is because he wants to go to a concert!

It's fairly obvious from what the OP has posted that the relationship has ceased. And not just because he cheated . But because OP has also stopped showing much interest in family life.

OP needs to have the talk. It doesn't sound like he will make the move. However maybe OP is not in the right place at the moment to make that massive life change either. I suspect from what she has written, DD could well choose to live with Dad. OP could be looking at being the one who has to move and then, strongly suspect would have to work and support herself .(although this is not known - she could be completely sorted financially for life)

Regardless of either scenario- it may simply be that neither OP or DH want to do any of this separation upheaval whilst DD still at home. Instead they are prepared to sit it out. Doesn't mean he wants to go to concerts with OP though. Especially if she hasn't shown much interest in family life and relationship is not happy.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 09:12

Yes but who goes to a concert alone when their wife loves the act? That's hardly an action of somebody who is invested in the relationship?

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 09:13

My dh would want me there. The fact OP's doesn't says to me he's checked out. She wanted to go so she hasn't.

Cambionome · 07/01/2018 09:13

Where have you got the idea from that the op has checked out of family life, kittens? You are totally making up your own version of events here.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 09:15

She's hasn't yet anyway.. although after this kind of excluding behaviour from her dh I wouldn't be surprised if she soon did check out.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 09:18

It sounds like op is showing a lot more interest in family life than her dh. She wanted to go on her daughters birthday trip and wanted to go to the concert. DH has checked out instead of communicating with OP like an adult about any issues. My advice to you OP is to have a discussion with your dh about why he is behaving the way he is. He's obviously too much of a coward to talk to you.

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 09:32

If she was engaged with family life this trip would not have been planned without her knowledge. What 16 yr old doesn't discuss this with their mum ?
No Cambionome not making up own version of events. Have seen OP post before. Can't remember which topic but remember her UN.

MrsHathaway · 07/01/2018 09:53

It's unusual that nobody has pointed out OP's vulnerability as an unmarried SAHP. I would have thought it's unusual for a 16yo to have a SAHP unless there are significant medical circumstances at play, or the family is absolutely loaded.

pinkdelight · 07/01/2018 09:58

OP is probably well aware of her vulnerability. It may have contributed to why she's stayed after he cheated and ended up with this separate lives unofficial arrangement.

mummmy2017 · 07/01/2018 10:11

Bugger your saying your left out of things, but also that you have your own life.
Maybe you need to make an effort as well, find something you can all do as a family.
Your saying you would have like to have gone out for the day, well what about asking DD to invite a friend and going with your Husband and letting the girls have a wonder while you go out for a meal with your partner.
Maybe 2018 is the time to change things and show both the people in your life you do want to be part of the party, rather than ignored.

Biker47 · 07/01/2018 10:14

Was the car full with your childs friends? He said you could come if there was room or if you drove as well, why didn't you drive there as well if was no room? Or why didn't you go if there was room in the car?

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 10:16

When I called him out on it, he said I could come as long as 1) there was space in the car or 2) I was willing to drive myself separately.

Biker47 OP was willing to drive herself separately.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 10:18

I got the impression op would have if had have been invited? It was more then not getting invited that was the issue.

PasstheStarmix · 07/01/2018 10:18

the

Biker47 · 07/01/2018 10:21

That was an invite though.

Biker47 · 07/01/2018 10:29

Obviously not the best presented invite and obviously more of an afterthought, but still an invite. Why didn't the OP drive there then?

kittensinmydinner1 · 07/01/2018 10:51

Well spotted MrsHathaway . I had completely missed the fact that OP was not married. That puts a whole huge different spin on the issue.
Having had a very dear friend go through this exact same situation, (4 kids 26 yr relationship no marriage)

OP needs to make some very urgent assessment on where she stands financially. Hopefully she has something in her own right. I had wrongly assumed they were married and OP would be entitled to half of all assets.
It's possible OH is hanging on to avoid financial obligation of housing DD. (Not saying he wouldn't want to House his child but would want to avoid the legal obligation which ceases - along with CM at 18).

Slanetylor · 07/01/2018 10:54

That's My take too. It sounds like he is setting up his own separate relationship with his daughter and also his own social life. Going to concerts without OP. I do agree OP that you seem a bit passive here. I can't understand why you are not treating your daughter on her 16th birthday. In whatever capacity.

pinkdelight · 07/01/2018 10:54

Fair enough question Biker. I guess in the end she was poorly on the day so wouldn't have gone in any eventuality, but it sounds like a much bigger issue in general. It's not just the partner, they don't sound like they operate as a family unit and this is the tip of the iceberg.

InAPickleToday · 07/01/2018 11:42

I still don't understand what he has done wrong regarding DD's birthday? Why didn't you drive your own car and go with him OP?

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