To cut off MIL for stealing?

[Beingthere]

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

Your DH should text back

'Do you think stealing gifts is aceeptabel'

Keep it in repeat

They just don’t let up do they?

I’d ask them why they don’t think withholding a child’s present is a problem. What don’t they understand about it?

Let them. It'll go on to something else soon enough - she will be diagnosed with a 'serious' illness (usually 'suspected' cancer) so DH will be tugged by the heartstrings back to her side/control.

I hope dh can see the suggestion that it is you for what it is. If he is not 100% by your side, it's all pointless.

Do you still have the message from the relative who did the cross stitch asking if you liked it, and your response saying that you hadn't received it (and the follow up message saying that she'd claimed the gift was unsuitable for a child)? If so, I'd forward those on to the relatives that you do still care about so they have the full facts.

your FIL's messages to your DH would qualify as harassment in legal terms, although whether he wants to get police involved is doubtful (would rather fan the flames I fear). Technically though if he wanted to, he could get a harassment warning issued to his FIL for that sort of thing.

Stay strong.

This is NOT your fault x

I would tell dh they are really damaging your mh and he needs to block them both.
No way should you have to deal with this bullying.

Coz that's what it is.

You are so much better off without them and their poison
Really glad you have support of your DH

Would DH block their numbers/emails? It is probably best he does, for both your MH.

ptumbi When DH read the message out including the bit "...and we don't think you know what we've done either", I immediately said "Oh, so its my fault according to them", so I don't know if DH would have realised what they are trying to get at without me interrupting. He's not replying though. And I don't think DH would ever blame me for their actions.

AHungryMum Unfortunately those conversations were by phone or I would.

Notasperfectasallothermners I don't know why DH hasn't blocked them but he says he's not going to mention any more messages because they are upsetting me. I've told him he has to tell me about any that mention DS.

They think DH is their property. Or their child to boss around. They always acted like that, telling him what to do and where he should live, but now it is super obvious.

Apologies - cross post with OP

OP - i'm glad Dh has your back. I think it's a good idea to stop him repeating their messages to him to you. Not needed - so long as he doesn't start to beleive their poison (hopefully he has a headstart on recognising this) and he can see what they are trying to do.

I wouldn't put it past them to start alienating you from his life. (they've already started with that text!) After all, you are the one standing in the way of him coming back to the fold/control. A bit of 'she is the problem', 'she is stopping ds from having grandparents and the wider family', 'she has problems with all of us' and 'Poor ds! No aunts/uncles/ grandparents/cousins in his little life'; and he might waver. He might question. Please be aware of how toxic this woman is - she would rather break up her son's marriage than let go of control, I'm sure of it.

I know you said he was pretty LC with them anyway - and that should continue. as LC as it can get!

I feel for you OP, unfortunately, you will likely lose the entire family. Please remember that narcissists are gifted liars, the lies they tell are so good that they actually believe them themselves. My MIL was so convinced of her own lies that she barefaced lied to the police officers who had watched (on CCTV) her crash into a parked car and abandon the scene, leaving no details. She didn't even register that they would have needed her registration number to find her very rural address. She ended up in Court for lying to the police and leaving the scene of an accident! She should have been jailed but she made up a story about her having an abusive DH who would have abused her if he found out about the crash (this despite him being on the other side of the world working full time, meaning she could have had it repaired and he would never need to know.

I know how hard it is when they isolate you from the entirety of your family. Unfortunately, in my experience, there is no limit to the lies they will tell to turn loved ones against you. My DH and I have been run down to the gutters, the awful things they have told his family members in order to turn them against us, was so distressing for my DH. My DH was almost driven to suicide by the vicious campaign that his parents ran through MIL's awful, flying monkey family. In the end, I blocked the whole lot of them on our landline, on our mobile and on social media. I had to intervene to protect my DH's sanity. I called my GP in panic as my DH was so low with their abuse and he was in an identical situation with his own family. He actually sat DH down, told him to concentrate on the family that mattered, the one he had created with me and our DC. He told him his story and said going NC was absolutely the best thing for him and his family and he would recommend that DH do the same. I was so grateful to that GP, he reassured DH that he wasn't going mad, that his narcissistic, sociopath parents were in the wrong, that he wasn't an awful person just for loving and protecting his family and dc. He arranged an emergency counselling session for DH for the next day and between that and the support from his G.P he felt so much better.

Be prepared for the awful lies to emerge! My inlaws hated that my FIL's Mother (DH's Grandmother) supported us and was so genuinely happy for us. So they decided to tell my DH's Grandmother that he used prostitutes. The poor woman was in tears on the phone to me, asking how I could marry a man who would do that. I was pregnant at the time and so, so angry. I reassured her that I knew my DH's sexual history and that while he was no virgin when we met, he had absolutely not and never would use prostitutes. I told her that it was lies, to turn her against us, as they were so angry that she continued to have a relationship with us. They hurt a vulnerable old woman to poison her against us. That is the depths of evil that they are prepared to sink to.

Narcissists will say and do anything, to destroy every relationship you have with family. My MIL even tried to turn my own Mother and Father against me, telling the most appalling and disgusting lies. Luckily my Mother had my back and they picked the wrong Mother to try to turn against her daughter. Hell hath no fury like my Mother when anyone tries to hurt her daughter!

Would it be possible for you to get your husband to change his phone number? Maybe you could coincidentally find an amazing deal for a new mobile contract next week? and, you know, it's often a bit of a faff taking your old number with you so maybe it would just be easier to let them give you a new one...? He probably wouldn't pass on new numbers if you've decided to go "NC?" I'm joking. I think.

Their hideous texts should not be something he has to protect you from, he shouldn't be reading them either, you both need to go nc, no messages received at all!! You are a team and they are really bullies.

I hope you've warned DH about the things posters here have suggested that they might do, like faking illness. If he's forewarned, he'll find it a bit easier to deal with, as he'll be expecting it.

I think he should either block them now, or change his number.

Thanks again everyone. I've just read through the thread again because it all seems a bit unreal now. Having the flu doesn't help!

Nothing to report. Either they have stopped contacting DH or he's not saying.

I don't know why he hasn't blocked them (if he hasn't, I presume not). Maybe because they are his parents, I don't know.

Anyway, it is DH's birthday next month so we will see if anyone sends a card or whatever. I usually handle the birthdays for the ILs (don't know why, I'm more organised I suppose) and have decided to just reciprocate. If anyone other than his parents sends DH a card, then we will send them a card on their birthday. If anyone other than his parents sends a gift (rare occurrence anyway from DH's siblings and wider family, usually just gets something from his Ps) we will send a thank you card. If MIL and FIL send something, we will ignore it.

Good luck OP. Do Birthday Presents not go through MIL then? Only christmas?

I hope some of the wider family can see what's happening to you. And make their own choices. I really want MILs house of cards to come tumbling down!

Your plan with regards to card and presents is a good one. Sounds like you and DH have this nailed.

Now that you have been able to step away from the ILs, give yourselves a bit of downtime. I don't want sound over dramatic, but you both need to recover from the years of this madness.

ptumbi They did in the early days. MIL would collect a box of presents and cards from DH's sibling's and send to him. But as the families got bigger it sort of petered out. In the end DH just swapped cards with his siblings (if they remembered) unless it was a milestone birthday. I still sent presents for the children's birthdays though.

So in theory he should be getting some cards at least...

Yanno there’s usually a reason when a persons family doesn’t want to see them or visit often. Like they’re not very nice people for eg.

^ This.

Weezol I desperately need to get away but no chance at the moment.

I keep thinking of the times that our lives were disrupted because MIL was controlling from hundreds of miles away. Once DH needed a tool and MIL said her and FIL would buy it for him for his birthday. They did, bit didn't send it. I had to work really hard to convince DH to get it himself because I knew she would never send it and his project was literally at a standstill until he got it. It wasn't even expensive but DH was unsure whether he should buy it himself because of MIL!

You’re so much better off out of it.

You can’t reason with batshit, and you certainly can’t reason with nasty and toxic.

Please try to give yourself some space. Do things that you enjoy. Don’t let them live rent free in your head. You’ve been through a lot over many years; don’t underestimate just how much damage that can do

She sounds just like my mother! Apart from her three daughters (me being one) none of her two sisters, their kids, grandkids and g kids speak to her. She has argued with all of them and alienated everyone. I can’t stand her. Have just finished dashing up and down after work to look after her as she is 78 and had bad flu, and she has been nothing but a bitch. Sorry to hijack your thread OP.

They called the police.

Apparently it was a "wellness check" or a "welfare check" or something, I'm still a bit shaken up. The police said DH's parents were concerned they hadn't heard from him. DH was so angry. Calm while the police were here but angry. He told them that he was estranged from his parents and they knew it and they were just wasting police time. He told them he would email his parents and cc in the police station so they would know if they tried it again. The police said that wouldn't be necessary now that they had seen him. There was some other stuff about passing on information but I can't remember what they said.

This is just intimidation. Calling the police on your own son because he won't reply to their texts. What next?

They sound bonkers OP